The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Gosh, I love this program!!! When you show up, and you open up your heart and mind, something comes to you. Tonite in the online meeting, I had an "ah - ha!" as folks were sharing about resentment and getting over it.
In the past, I have struggled to work step three b/c I didn't understand what it meant for me to "turn my will over to the care of God." Through more recent years, I have found for myself that I have been able to work this step when I think of turning over my willfulness... meaning, surrending the way I think and the way I do things and my attitudes and my beliefs and perspectives and sometimes, painfully, even what I want.
In tonite's meeting, I realized what everyone was saying was so true for me too: resentment, anger, and pain about the past keep me from living in the present; my anger & victimization, etc. repells people; resentment and anger keep me from living a normal, happy life.
As I was thinking about one person's question about how to let go of the resentment, it occurred to me that the 3rd step could apply. And I am so right there w/ alot of pain and resentment toward my father and some other family members right now!! Right now, I am being very willful (almost stubborn) about feeling my pain. It's mine! I deserve it! I have a right to feel crappy and hurt!!! (???!!!). I also really want to understand why -- why did my mother neglect and abuse me; why -- why did my father abandon me emotionally? (Now that I am a mother of two adorable boys -- there seems to me NO reasonable, acceptable answer to those questions. No one in his right mind should do those things to a child). Can I tell you how many hours I have talked about this father thing?!!! Can I tell you how many sleepless nights I've suffered trying to figure him out?!! Can I tell you how I've agonized over examining everhting that I've said or done that would warrant this kind of treatment from him?! Can I tell you how many times I have looked at myself and felt so empty and deprived and cried in such deep pain?!
But, .....maybe what God wants me to do now is turn over to Him not the pain, not the answers themselves, but turn over to Him the not knowing the answers or understanding the whys. Maybe God wants me to turn over my willfullness in holding onto this pain as well as trying to figure it all out.
Maybe turning my will over means looking at the situation differently than how I've looked at it before. I've looked at my childhood and see and feel the pain -- over and over and over again. But, maybe God wants me to ask myself -- as a result of this kind of childhood, what did you gain? well... I am strong. I am focused on what I want and go for it and get it. I am perseverant. I have high standards for myself and my kids and my home and try to work on having "happy and normal." I am compassionate and loving and generous. I pay attention to others (esp. children) and try to understand and meet their needs. I am independent and can take care of myself if I have to. I can reach out to others and find love, guidance, encouragement, friendship, and fun w/ others outside of my family of origin. I can make decisions. I know what to do. I am a talker and am self-aware, so I get help and I reach out. I am honest and forthright with people. These are all good qualities -- I just have to make sure they are appropriate and in balance.
Maybe turning my will over means giving up wanting what I did not get as a child from people who couldnot and still cannot give it. Maybe God wants me to focus on getting the good, normal, and happy life from others in my life.... like my sons who make me laugh and do things I never had a chance to do... like spin in the back yard and fall down dizzy with laughter, like a watergun fight on a hot summer day, and like a close warm snuggle on down pillows in our "big bed." You know, those kids look at me with such love in their eyes? They don't see one flaw, they never criticize, they have not one mean bone in their bodies, they have no hidden agendas, they don't abuse me; they are just livin' life, enjoying it and showing me how to do the same and they are ALWAYS there (sometimes too much so!! lol!!), carefree, happy - usually! My 22 month old son, Ben fills my heart and gives me so much joy and pleasure -- more than my father's superficial words and gestures ever could. I have so much fun with them.... I can experience with my own kids the childhood things I should have and that can fill the void I feel. So, I CAN let go of what I didn't get from my parents because I have it all right now in my own home!!
I'm not sure I can forgive my parents. I'm not even sure what forgiveness is...though I read in a post "Forgiveness is for us." I don't know, is forgiveness letting it be? -- accepting whatever it was and Letting it go-- Not letting the pain of whatever live in me anymore? I don't forget what they did -- actually, I think remembering my childhood helps me be a better wife and mother b/c I do exactly the opposite of what they did. I don't know that I can forgive them, but I will try to work on that step 3 -- and see if turning over my way of dealing with my childhood pain helps me to actually let go of it and be free of it once and for all. Free of pain and resentment, wouldn't that be so nice?!
Anyway, it's late; I'm starting to ramble; thanks for letting me share.
For me, your post comes right on time! I really appreciate your thoughts and share about working Step 3. I am working steps 1-3, and I have really struggled with turning my will over to my HP. The way you put it, though, turning my willfullness over to HP makes SO much sense to me! Your post made me think about how I do things in my willfulness: A big, big, big, part of my willfullness is believing that if I just think about things enough, read enough, and come up with an intellectual answer that I can solve things--usually mind you, I am trying to solve other people's problems LOL. Trying to read everything and present the TaDa! answer to those in my life is a life-long habit I picked up as a survival tool in my A-family. Now, grant you, it has never, ever, ever worked--but I still gravitate to it like a bee to honey. LoL. Slowly, though, through the program I am learning more and more to connect my head and my heart and to find ways to connect my head and my heart to my spirit and HP. I've been really struggling with how to handle a tough relationship in my life--I keep running through all of my usual ways of solving things--your words, to hand over the answer, my way of doing things, my willfullness to HP really helps me find a new way to think about my situation. Thank you for giving me the push I need turn my willfullness over to my HP and to listen for the spiritual answer to my dilemma.
