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Well, I'm having another one of those days. I just can't seem to get inside myself to help myself. Rehash, we're married 28 years, my A was sober (no treatment, just AA) for quite a few years and started drinking again. The past 5 years have been crappy. Lots of lies and deceit. He went through treatment OP-2 nights/week last year and was drinking while going through treatment. Things got worse and I finally said, "out, I've had enough" and then the tears and "I need help" came so he went through 4 night/week treatment. I am sure he was sober for the 2 months of that and is in aftercare, one night a week. He never was a violent or mean drunk, went to work and did his job, but just got more and more careless. Caught him drinking last Friday and I'm just so hurt and angry. I guess what hurts me is the lies again and how I feel that he made me feel like a damned fool. Even during the day when I suspected him of drinking, he blew in my face and I could smell the booze, he continued to lie. I finally caught him sneaking the booze (he hid it above the medicine cabinet in the bathroom-you have to stand on the toilet to reach it!) He just doesn't get the fact that I am so emotionally tired!
He wants to just call it a "slip" and me to accept and try to support him again. But, I just can't. Maybe I am selfish but I have done that over and over for many years. I got married to him at 17 years of age, only man I ever made love to, I feel I have given the best I could .
I went to an Ananon meeting Monday night and cried my eyes out in front of a bunch of strangers. They were compassionate, don't get me wrong but I just feel so foolish and stupid and wore out! My usual group meets tonight and I know I NEED to go, but I am feeling like I don't want to go and unload my feelings. I mean, I've been doing this, going to the meetings by myself while he was in treatment along with doing family care while he was in treatment and I unloaded alot and now I feel like not only did he slip, but I slipped! I am mad at myself, how could I trust him again? I am feeling like I have no value in life, even though I know i have 4 children that love me more than words can say. When I am down, I just want to sleep. I want to be left alone. I avoid the kids, I don't even want to tell them about this mess again. I confided in my 28 year old daughter on Saturday and she said she is tired of hearing about this over and over again. She basically said I need to be done with him if he is drinking again. I know that she means well but I don't want to talk to and unload on her anymore, she is tired of it all too.
I also feel that if I stay in this relationship, he has won this game of cat and mouse that he keeps playing with me. You see, I have threatened before to leave or kick him out, but I haven't carried through with it. I did kick him out about 10 months ago for 4 days but my sister had borrowed my car and had a car accident and totalled it out so he basically got to worm his way back in again. In treatment this time, he said he KNOWS I AM SERIOUS about it this time, if he drinks again, we are done! They never had family time in treatment last year with the 2 night/week program. I guess I was not serious enough about being done with him if he started again or is it that he is still playing the game the A's play with us? I wish the A would know how it feels to have someone you love and trust and want to be with tear you down to feeling so low that you do not want to be around, to make you feel so depressed and alone.
I'm sorry I am babbling but I just need to vent. I feel that I love him but to him, this is a game and if I keep playing, I am enabling him. And, then who am I to complain, I keep letting him stay and continue to do this. If I kick him out, he says he knows he cannot stay sober. His saying, "I cannot stay sober without you". My comeback, "you are not staying sober with me". GOD, I HATE THIS DESEASE!!!!!
I just want peace of mind and I am willing to do whatever I need to do to have that. I know I am a good person, I love people, I give of myself whenever I possibly can, I just want some peace!!!
You just wrote my story before I got into this program. God I get to the feel all the feelings again without the one feeling of dread that it will never end. I had to work for the peace of mind and serenity just like my sponsors and everyone else in the program that was there for the same reason and to support each other. What a family!!
I even learned that my alcoholic had the same wish we have, "I wish the A would know how it feels to have someone you love and trust and want to be with tear you down to feeling so low that you do not want to be around, to make you feel so depressed and alone." Without moral judgement you can substitute alcohol for the "A" and know what the alcoholic is feeling. They are addicted to alcohol not their spouses and family. I know she loved me. I know she was addicted to alcohol. Huge difference and consequences.
I hate the disease also and it doesn't care. It is bigger than you and I and our alcoholics and families and the whole planet.
There was and is a way out for me, you and countless others There is a solution for your greatest want. "I just want peace of mind and I am willing to do whatever I need to do to have that." "Abandon yourself to God as you understand God..." Work the steps. Get a sponsor. Help others who have been or are in you situation with your ESH.
"I know I am a good person, ( yes your are) I love people, I give of myself whenever I possibly can, (yes you do it doesn't get returned in the disease of alcoholism.) I just want some peace!!!" (you can find it here. Keep coming back)
Forget feeling ashamed of crying before this family. When I did it almost killed me. Shame is not a real feeling for being sick. (Oh maybe only with Superman and other super heros. You are not a super hero.) You're daymama, you're not feeling good and you're trying to feel better. "This too will pass (a great Al-Anon slogan) and you will be feeling great. Just, "Keep coming back"...and practice, practice, practice.
Seems like alot of us long time marrieds are hitting a late in life bump. I have been married 32 years to a sober A. He moved out last year. There have been many ups and downs in our marriage. From my standpoint, in spite of the drinking, sobriety, dry drunk syndrome, other addictions, I have benefited from my marriage. However, I have paid a price for not having better boundaries. And this disease is powerful.
Alanon teaches us to focus on our own recovery. We become as sick or sicker than the alcoholic. I have learned to make decisions one day at a time. My AHsober was in an AA program and choses to not work a program now. It is too hard and too painful for him to face his issues.
I cried at my first Alanon meeting in front of strangers. I was so hurt and angry. I am so glad they were there because they had been where I was. I have made alot of progress. This disease is exhausting but thru working our programs we can step away from the insanity.
Please go back to another meeting and another and another , they understand the tears no one thinks your foolish and they accept u jsut the way u are, only place in world where I know to find that un conditional love we keep hearing about.
Confiding in our children is not a good idea they are too personally involved find some al anon friends who are not emotionally attached to listen to you and offer solutions. Your describing what we call our insanity , we keep doing the same thing over and over again expecting that this time it will be diff. Nothing changes til someone changes.
