The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
No, I didn't make my meeting because my a/bf called and asked if I could bring his son home, he would tell me why when we got there. Figured he wanted to talk to me so I agreeded. When I got there he told me he had been talking to a friend who had lost his nephew in a drunk driving accident Saturday night. he had been drinking and that's why he called and ask me to bring his son home. I tried to talk to him about us and he turned it all into about how it was all me and the fact that i am going thru menopause! I said what ever, I just want to be your friend and have a realationship with your son. I told him I would not spend the night at his home any more. Ask me to stay for dinner and a swim in the pool. Swam in the pool with his son while he watched ,then helped him cook supper. Of course he was drunk and stoned. I drank 5 beers that i brought with me while I played games with his son on computer. He sat in living room and watched tv and drank beer. Then tried to talk me into staying the night. I said no and went home.
I read all your stories and I really appreicate all the readings. They mean alot and they help.
I really don't think at this time I can just walk away from him.
he has already called me twice today which I find suprising. If I can just learn to detach and not let what he does bother me and go on with my life and take care of me, I will be ok.
The scary part is that if I do that it means I will be changing and he won't and that will lead me on a path away from him. I am so sad!!!
But, I guess it was meant to be. So I am gonna stick to my guns and not put up with any bull from him and let him make me out as the bad guy. I know what kind of person I am and deep down so does he.
So like a couple of you said may be 2,4 10 years from now things are always possible. But, I guess I am trying to get into something that I have NO way of knowing about, So right now it's ONE DAY AT A TIME!!!
Right now the hardest part is trying to get the image of him and his mother in law out of my head.
He is also facing a felony charge for killing an alligator and a DUI with pot and pills in his possesion.
I have also learned that everyday of your life brings change nothing every stays the same with an A in your life.
Thanks and I'm still gonna try the F/t/F meeting soon. I read alot of Alnon literature and books and am continously researching all I can about alcholism.
While reading your post I was envisioning how different it would have been had you gone to the meeting. (My earliest sponsors told me that if I was gonna "What if" I also had to "What if not".) The what if not is what actually happened.
I use to drink with my alcoholic also. It was one way I thought I would help her, by teaching her how to drink. I had a problem with her drinking and thought my drinking was not a problem. Today I know a whole lot different.
Of course if you had gone to the f2f meeting even your post would have been different. There are only two types of meetings we need to get to. Those that we want to and those that we don't want to.
I agree with Jerry, we make choices. We don't have to beat ourselves up over them, just accept the responsibility of what we do w/ the consequences & learn... otherwise we repeat the same lessons, only I find HP makes them more difficult or challenging until we learn.
I believe everything is about growth. Like you said the only constant in life is change. Most A's don't want anything to change, they spend a long time insidiously "breaking in" enablers, choosing us carefully & it is a lot of work. Of course they don't want to start over, they don't want things to change. Just look at nature, it constantly changes building up & breaking down again.
My mother used to tell me this as a child, "In life there is always pain, pain of growth or pain of decay, you decide what it will be."
The fact that u set a boundary & stuck to it, is what made him call (I'm not surprised) you changed your behavior & his changed too.
We say, the 3 C's: We didn't cause it, cannot change it or cure it BUT we can control ourselves, change ourselves & cure ourselves. We are told that we cannot change another person but when we do make a change it does create a ripple effect & often does affect another person. We don't make changes hoping to manipulate others but our changes can effect others. They have to stop & think, regroup.
It is said insanity is doing the same thing & expecting a different result, clearly you didn't do that. Kudos for sticking to your boundary.
When it comes to A's our issues are so different than theirs, I use JADE; I do not justify, argue, defend or explain ~ even A's in recovery cannot really understand how it is for us.
Seems to me you have taken the 3 A's to heart: awareness, acceptance & action. We have to take care of ourselves first or we are no good to anyone. It's like the O2 mask, put on your own oxygen first, then help others. No one can force help on anyone anyway. I took my first marriage as a lesson in everything I did not want. Now when ppl are manipulative or controlling screaming bells go off & I react quickly, I am very sensitive to it.
I choose for myself & I will ultimately do what I want to do, period. I don't think ODAT ever goes away, al we have is the present, sometimes I have to go minute to minute, right now is all I have... this helps me a lot b/c I have OCD & get extremely anxious focusing on the future & can have an anxiety attack thinking about a project or what it is that I even want. Now is a gift, the present is a Blessing.
If you ever can't make a meeting, there are 2 a day in the chat room here at MIP & other sites have them virtually 24/7. I don't like to go out, I feel not anonymous when I do & ppl can follow me out see my vehicle et cetera, see the license plate, my face, I feel I am more honest, open & gritty when I go to on-line mtgs. thanks to the computer there are so many resources for us.
Progress not perfection, my steps last year were so microscopic, I even rejoiced in those!
love, -KoL
-- Edited by kitty at 03:13, 2006-08-17
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
