The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
TRUST a big word. I had/have issue with trust. I ask myself, is it only my A that made me feel i cant ever trust anybody, or was the issue deep down in me before i knew him? Anything in childhood, first boyfried, second boyfriend, all the boyfriends? There is a question for all of you, how do you deal with this, what do you want, what are you expectations etc.
I kind of forget about the whole lying every day and left the door closed behind me. I dont talk about it. Me and my hubby agreed we wont take out the skeletons from the closet once he is out from treatment centre. Its been nearly 4 months and it worked. Im thinking, was it easy way out for him or me? He cheated, he had the quilt and couldnt deal with me and my nagging. Once he was in, he saw the opportunity and way out.
I'm happy we had fresh start, but when i can actually trust? They say it takes time, i know that, but do you really get over someting that horrible and humiliating? Do you forget about the whole thing? I would love that, but i know one day something will come out of my mouth and we be in that pass again.
yes i am too in the same place as you right now........
TRUST is such a strong word... im not able to trust any man... and too like you.. i dont know if that stems from growing up without a father or from past boyf. who treated me like crap... when my "A" cheated on me... i left him... my whole world fell apart because he was my soul mate... i loved him with all my heart and soul.... and cudnt fiure out how it cud all have gone sooo wrong... or how he cud hurt me like this..........
i dont want a boyf. at the moment.. just want some "me time".. i need to find ME again.. and what makes me happy. i cant ever see myself in a loving trusting relatonship... i know that reflects badly on me... that i have very low self-esteem... but im bright, intelligent, i talk to anyone.... always kind and helping others... and i love going out dancing and having a laugh.. so how come i have such a low opinion of myself????
my mom was always loving when i was a child... always told me i cud be whoever i wanted to be... and that i was her world... she was very proud of me and only wanted me to be happy! my past boyf. neer put me down...mentally, physically or emotionally... and my A was never abusive to me in any way... he was kind, loving, affectionate and always told me i should better myse;f instead of staying in my supermarket job..when i had a college qualification.....
so how come my trust is sooooooooo low... or non- existant???
Is it possible that as we grow older, we are loosing some ability to trust? We are loosing hair, good looking skin, gaining orange skin and wrinkles. Is it insecurity from not been young teenager anymore?
Give yourself some time with that. It's taken me a bit of time to do that. I don't trust the disease he has. But I do trust him to make the choices that are in his best interest. It's part of detaching with love. I have given him over to his HP to look after him and guide him. The rest is up to him. Let Go and Let God. We're doing fine, and the burden on my shoulders is much lighter. I too don't dig up the past. What's the point? If he wants to talk about it, we do. But it's about healing and going foward. Why wallow in the past?
Take the past, learn from it and move on is what my Mom & Dad use to tell me. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Aloha Daisey!! Thanks for the subject. The lack of trust can be a consequence of the feeling of fear, shame, guilt, low self esteem and a bunch more. I had to learn what feelings were first and then what trust was and what it wasn't. I tried to trust the alcoholics in my life as if they were completely foolproof trustworthy and would always fulfull my expectations and wishes.
Where did that come from??? I was asked what was the consequences of my trusting the way I was? The answer was the consequences were often terrible. I had deep resentments, feelings of hurt, anger and rage. I was cynical and skeptical, standoffish and a loner a lot of the time. There is more of course but this is a keep it simple program so I'll go with the short version.
I learned in Al-Anon not to trust the alcoholic or for that matter any other person with expectations they could not measure up with. It's called "qualified" trust. If they have it I have a reasonable chance of having an expectation or need met with them. If they don't have it - go to someone else who does have it and I would not feel hurt, angry, hateful, spiteful etc.
If I trust someone for something and they don't come thru? Forgiveness and grace works wonders in this situation. That's usually the way my HP has worked with me. I couldn't lose by practicing it.
By the way the definition that was given to me for feelings and which I still use today is, "An inward reaction to an outside event."
My husband and I are married 28 years. The drinking was strong in the beginning of the marriage, he quit (without treatment) for over 10 years and started again. He went through an outpatient 2 night/week treatment last spring and was drinking as he went through it. Then, again early this summer, he went through a 4 night/week outpatient. I had a very hard time trusting at first and was finally starting to feel good about myself, him and our marriage. Last week, I found out he is drinking again and I feel so hurt! I know that I am not supposed to feel that I am the blame for his drinking but I cannot get it out of my mind that I am the blame. I keep thinking, "what could I have done differently?" I can say with all honesty that I gave all that I could during these past few months and for the first time in many years, I felt wonderful about myself.
I immediately went into a shell. I want to sleep and be left alone. I do my job during the day and as soon as my work day is done, I want to go to bed, shut the shades and have the whole world leave me alone! In my mind, I am thinking, "why can't they just quit calling me, let me rest?" I think I apprear to be a strong person, maybe I am strong? I don't know, but people do not realize how weak and hurt and alone I feel right now and how much I want them to go away! I went to an Alanon meeting last night. I usually go on Wednesday nights to a small group which I love dearly, but I needed to go to a meeting and just be there. Of course, when it was my turn to talk, I cried first. I did this at family night at treatment at first too, but it got better as things seemed to get better here at home.
My dilema is that I told him that I would not stay in the marriage any more if the drinking started up again. I meant it! Now, he says he is sorry and he slipped but I feel that he is sorry about me catching him drinking, not the actual slip! I do not trust him at all.
Our life had gotten to a point of being two totally seperate lives livng in one house, sleeping in one bed. Sex was gone. It was finally at the point that I was feeling good about us and wanting to give myself freely again. Now I wonder, how much of this past few months have been lies? Was he saying what I wanted to hear to get what he wanted?
He's never been abusive when he drinks. He just isn't there for me. We have 3 grown children and a 15 year old. Our 15 year old knows what is going on and thankfully, he is accepting of what I do and trusts me to judge what is best for he and myself. He doesn't show anger at his father and is very close to me, although he loves his dad alot too. I have always been the one home with our children as my job allows me to be the "caregiver". So, I just needed to vent here as well. I know that life cannot continue in the fashion it is going, I cannot function on this note.....one way or another, I am not going to live with a drinking alcohalic. He will either be forced to leave or stay sober. There are no in betweens on this subject. I just hate the fact that he still gets to dictate my life, although I am practicing the Alanon slogans and feeling like I have some control, not as much as I want to have though.
Any suggestions? I just want this drinking to stop and a sober partner, or just the drinking to stop and have no partner? See, he still gets to choose, I guess? Right?
thanks for posting...I agree with so much here. I think I am in a shell too...I do not trust easily. I think for me it's a protection thing. I've been through some bad times because I trusted...now I try to be more careful. I know sometimes I overprotect and miss out and maybe deny myself happiness. I am aware of this now though....and I think that's the first step towards making the situation better for myself....
I think we should be protective of ourselves, being careful of who we give our trust to. For me, it's gradual learning, a slow process. I trust in my HP and allow him to guide me, I'm getting there....
What a great topic. It is something I need to think about a great deal. Like many children of dysfunctional parents I tend to throw trust at people or be suspicious of everyone and everything. I do trust this program implicitly and trust the words of many of the people here. I feel more intimate with many of you than any significant other. That makes me realise that I have always viewed many many relationships as trade off's. Of course one person who is often left out of my own trust equation is me. I do not trust myself. I have had extremely bad judgement. The issue for me is in learning to have better judgment.
