The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well, he walked in here this morning, sober as a judge, took a shower, and went to bed. Guess he's slepping now in my compfy bed, just like nothing happened.
Ya know, when this 'other being' invades his body, it always finds ways to hurt me. I know I am having real problems with detatching 'cause it still hurts so much. The lies, I think are the hardest part for me. I am a very honest person, and forget that others aren't, so I guess it's called gullible. He knows he can pull the wool over my eyes so easily.
My ex was a big-time liar every day of his life, so I guess they can spot me a mile away with that big sign on my forehead saying:SUCKER.
The total lack of respect he shows me when he's planning the latest binge hurts too. He wanted me to help him put the camper on the truck while he was drunk. Now I know why.DUH. There is no power or water in his cottage right now. Well, today, I will offer to help him put it on while he is sober. I LIKE being alone, was kinda relieved yesterday that he was gone, then thought of the peaceful life I could have without him, or any man for that matter!! After this, I don't want any sort of relationship with any other man. I'm sooo tired of being used and abused, and no matter how much I scrub my forehead, I can't get rid of that sign. Thanks for listening, I don't know whereI'd be without all you guys! Love Ya, TLC
when you start to do things for yourself more (I've started walking, just for exercise), and consciously put yourself first more. I hadn't done this for years and found it hard to get used to. Then the sign starts to weaken...
when my self esteem started to improve...lots of people noticed...and they started to treat me differently...maybe with more respect.
look after yourself now. you deserve it. you know you do really....we sometimes just forget to put ourselves first.
I know it's very hard to slip back into normality when theA decides to "forget" all that has happened. But if you put the focus on you rather than him, and try and decide what you would like to do for you, it gets easier to cope with.
Remember he is not a bad person really, he is a sick person. His illness sometimes makes him do things you or he can't understand.
Hate that you are going thru this hurtful time - please be especially good to yourself - treat yourself with loving, kindness - your A may not be well enough or healthy enough to be nice to you, but that doesn't mean that you can't be nice to you - So treat yourself to something nice - A long, relaxing bubble bath, special phone call to a good friend, a good movie out with a good friend, nice meal out, whatever is going to take care of You.
After all you are special & You deserve it,
Rita
__________________
No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
You are very right! You actually Don't need anyone. You and your HP have it all. Having others in my life is a choice not to be made lightly. Who, what, when and why all are a part of my choice process. When I didn't do it this way I most always ended up with one alcoholic or addict after another. (I am a caretaker of sick people and need to include myself.)
One of the many helpful tools I learned in recovery is that "NO" is a complete sentence. I practiced and learned how to say "NO" when I mean't "NO" and yes when I mean't yes. This way I get to decide what is going on around and with me. If I don't want another person in my space at any one time I get to say no to them or myself. Try it...It works?
Keep coming back and practice, practice, practice!!
hey now wait a minute. you have done nothing wrong. Sucker sign or not.
Did ya read my post? I really know that we fall into the monster and we did not expect it. It isn't like we have radar and know they changed.
Sometimes the monster tears us up before we can get our feet planted again.
Geez T really how wierd is it? We love someone and next thing ya know they are really someone else. How insane is that??
Yes of course it hurts. But we can control that. We really can.
When you realize it is the monster, not your loved one, you can let it go. It has no weight.
If you have a stranger stand in front of you and tell you all kinds of horrible stuff about you, You don't care, its is like,"whatever!"
But if it is the A monster, we give it so much power. So what we need to do is get to where it is like it is with the stranger. We don't care what the monster thinks....
When it was pummeled in my head, again, the A monster treating me so bad does not hurt at all. What brings me to tears is the sweet letter I have and the memory of seeing my husband for the first time in almost 7 years,behind glass, that i lost to the monster.
T remember that awful behavior is not him. it was the man you care about that got into your bed. Why should he show he feels bad? It was the other guy. He has been taking the blame for the monster for as long as he can remember.
Now he just feels horrible guilt and tries to live with it. He can't so he will use again.
Part of an AA program is forgiving yourself.
My A sees how bad the monster hurts me, then when he is him, he cannot face me.
Well hold on tight hon, you are not alone.
As far as not needing a man. We don't that is the whole point. We have to set up our lives, taking care of ourselves. if a man comes along who is a good one, then he is icing on the cake.
I tended to beat myself up because my boundaries were not good. Being in al-anon has helped me tremendously. I work pretty hard on detaching from the A and his chaos (there is always chaos). Learning to say no takes time. Please don't beat yourself up. In a "normal" relationship giving is part of the process, with an A one has to carefully consider what one gives because the demands are constant.
My A is probably off drinking at the moment. I try to detach from it. It is his responsibility to deal with it. I have given up rescuing him. I have also given up believing his lies. I do think I bought into the lies tremendously. I was very used to being lied to as I grew up in a family where lies were commonplace. I also had my own denial to work through. You are certainly not alone with these issues. I hope you will be kind to yourself and understand that anyone who lives with an A really struggles. They are impossible to live with and that is why we have a program to learn to do it without self destructing.
