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Hi everyone, im new here. I am seeking advice and support as I am a daughter (23) of an alcoholic, she finally admitted to me she still has a problem, she has always said it was in the past.
she is currently in hospital undergoing detox (which she has had before) I wondered if anyone can give me advice on how best to support her and encourage her to stick with this, she has relapsed many times but this time is slightly different, she wants to get in contact with my younger brother but he doesnt want her to get in contact with him, he looked after her for a very long time through her drinking, no food for him in the house, etc etc, they got evicted as she spent money on drink, he had nowhere to live and ended up in a homeless hostel very heartbroken that his mum just left him.
She has tried to get in touch but he refuses for me to give her his contact details as he doesnt want that responsibility anymore which i can understand as i now have it.
she lives in bristol and we dont, its a good 2 hrs away and i dont have a car. she knows noone in bristol and lives in a council flat.
she threatened to take me to court if i didnt give her my brothers information so i refused to speak to her for about a week as it hurt my feelings to think my mum who ive supported and gone out of my way to help through this horrible addiction could think of that, i know it was alcohol fuelled but it still hurt, anyway so she then left a message on my answerphone saying i didnt wanna speak to her and neither did my brother so she was going to kill herself as she had nothing left, i knew in my heart she wouldnt and she didnt she must have jsut got drunk as i got a call from the hospital and she fed me a load of rubbish about epilepsy and i told her straight i didnt believe her and if she was gonna lie i woudlnt have this conversation so there she did it admitted to me she was in detox at hospital and she still had a problem she said she was ashamed and didnt want to admit it. can anyone give me advice on how to handle it, i dont live close by so she cant very well tell me she is going to ARA in bristol but i can never tell.
Hello Sara--I want to tell you first that you are in the right place. I can tell you're in a lot of pain. Please hang around.
There is nothing you need to do about mom right now. You already said yourself that she's spouting nonsense. Have you ever contacted your local Al Anon? If not, I really recommend you do so. Go to meetings in your area, and you'll meet people who are going through or have gone through exactly what you're going through. They can give you their experience/strength/hope. They can also introduce you to the program of al anon to give you some strength to feel some peace.
I am so glad you're here! Please keep coming back. And don't worry about mom. She's in a good place. She's with professionals who can attend to her unique needs and her problems. (((SARA)))
Welcome to MIP - So very glad you decide to join us and post - hate that you are dealing with this painful situation right now, but I do hope that you will find the courage to take care of You - You are important and deserve the right to life Happy, Joyous and Free.
In Al-Anon, I have learned that "Hurting People, hurt people" - Because your Mom is suffering from this disease of alcoholism then she is hurting the people around her. The alcoholics in my life have done the same thing. They still do, but through this site, attending Al-Anon meetings, working the 12 steps with a sponsor and other recovery friends, I am learning to set boundaries and to not accept unacceptable behavior.
Your Mom is a grown woman, she is responsible for herself. Let the treatment center she is seeking help from help her - they are best qualified to give her the help she needs with this disease.
Please keep coming back and let us know how you are doing - hope that you will be able to find an Al-Anon meeting that you will comfortable with and be able to start a journey of recovery for you - You are special and You deserve it!!
Keep coming back - it works if you work it,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Thanks so much, its so nice to talk to people who understand, unfortunately the closest al anon meeting is in another town and i dont have a car, and after work public transport is a nightmare. Thats why i came on the internet, i really wanna go i wish they could open one in my town, im sure there are ALOT of people in aldershot who could benefit so much.
its a shame. you are all right that she is currently with the best people, shes in a local hospital i think an ambulance must have been called and then she asked to go on detox. i think i am just pre- worrying if you know what i mean, worrying before thigns happen. Im so used to dissapointment that i wish and wish she will just snap out of it one day and i try to be there to catch her when she falls... thats why i try to prepare myself for when she does come out as ive no way of telling if she has or has not drunk as we live so far apart.
she made a friend whilst in detox i have her number, is it wise for her to get in contact for support? she speaks very openly to me about alcoholism but i wondered if it was a good idea, she mentioned she wanted to take mum to meetings.
Hi Sara, I just started coming in here too. But I am 51 and have gone to Alanon meetings alot in past years. My bio father was a A and I didn't see him till I was 30. By then he was sober and a radical AA member for the rest of his life. I went to AA meetings with him and Alanon with my stepmom. I haven't in recent years because my father is dead now. I have a good friend that is getting sicker and sicker with A. I am very sad about it. She did try a few meetings last week but I guess she needs to end up in the gutter to hit her bottom.
Here you are darling Sara at your young age still worrying about how to help her. If that only worked. You cannot control her drinking. You don't realize it but because you are a adult child of a A you have your own issues to deal with. I would still call Alanon and tell them if their is anybody who comes from your town goes to that meeting if you could catch a ride? I would BET their is. There, you will find support and love for what you have been through with this mother of yours. Take care!
Oh Sweetie, I hear in your post about trying to "catch" your Mom when she falls - You are way, way to close - we all are - we are way to close to our loved ones to be able to really help them. It is such a fine line between helping and enabling - Even after almost 3 yrs of working a hard program of recovery (al-anon) I still have a hard time knowing if I am helping or enabling. I have to bounce my thoughts off another person in recovery to know if my thinking is healthy or not.
I understand not be able to attend f2f meetings - Can you attend the on-line meetings? I do not have access to on-line meetings, but several people here do - they say that they are wonderful - Can you obtain some of the Al-Anon books? There is also great books like "Getting Them Sober" - can't remember the author - Help me out guys - who is the author? "Codependent no More" by Melody Beattie
Hope that some of these suggestions will be able to help you - not everyone is able to make those f2f meetings, but that doesn't mean that you can't find a way to feel better and take care of you.
Keep reaching out -
Rita
__________________
No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Welcome, It can be very hard to see the people we love in so much turmoil. I believe you found these boards for a reason...to find comfort and healing for yourself maybe...
I'm trying to recover myself at the moment and have to keep remembering that it works one day at a time.
there are a lot of caring wise people here who I'm sure will be able to help you as they did me.
keep coming back, and find your way forward for yourself
" i told her straight i didnt believe her and if she was gonna lie i woudlnt have this conversation so there she did it admitted to me she was in detox at hospital and she still had a problem she said she was ashamed and didnt want to admit it. "
hi Sarah , just to say well done for that ... your assertiveness got her to admit to what she was doing . I admire your ability to stand up for yourself like that , and good luck with the rest of it , probably will sort itself out with the help of this programme like alot of things do ,
Alcoholics have great ways of putting us in the middle and causing chaos. I am sorry you are going through this. At the same time being a child of an alcoholic can bring up many issues. I know I was boundaryless for most of my life. These days things that used to floor me don't anymore. I do my best, that's about it. I can't do anymore than my best. I know an alcoholic (my boyfriend, sister and more) would like me to kill myself for them in effort. I no longer do that.
I can't imagine a better place for you right now. Your mother can tap into a great network with AA they are in the phone book, meetings 365 days a year. There is an enormous wealth of stuff she can access if she wants to. I think that is the so key thing, if she wants to. They are so good at making it all someone else's responsibility.
Please keep coming back. And don't worry about mom. She's in a good place. She's with professionals who can attend to her unique needs and her problems. (((SARA)))
