The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Still on the relationship rollercoaster but then who here isn't, or hasn't been? I'm really just looking for some advice here.
She is still very unstable when it comes to her emotions, almost manic depression. As you may remember from previous posts her alcoholism came to a head when the police had to be called and she was arrested for her behaviour towards the officers. That was 4 months ago.
Last night we had an argument about nothing really, that blew up out of all proportion. I was unable to detatch this time and got caught up, finally pushing her away from out of my face with a finger to her shoulder, she didn't even lose balance. I am sure this was what she was angling for by invading my personal space quite so blatantly. She can now say I am capable of abusing her. What a laugh. One of the reasons I called the police 4 months ago was so that I couldn't be accused of abuse while restaining and disarming her of a knife.
That is one thing. After I calmed down later on I apologised sincerely for my action. She wouldn't accept it. I explained that was her issue and that the important thing was my need to apologise. It was not given in order to be absolved. It was given as a statment of fact. She on the other hand demanded I accept her apology for the manner in which the argument was begun in the first place. She couldn't see the double standards.
Anyway the crux of my dilemma here is what happened subsequently. After we had talked it out and things had calmed down, out of the blue, she came to me and brought up her arrest. She had never mentioned this before. Ever.
She was arrested at 2am and was held overnight until she was sober and calm. In the event she was not released until after lunch the next day. In the meantime I went to pick up her daughter at the bus station of another town. I was not at the police station when she was released. She came home in a taxi. I am now being castigated for not being there for her. Let's forget the times I HAVE been there both before and after that day. I know that this will now be brought out again and again when she wants to rub my nose in her self pity. There is a small catalogue of scenarios she trots out at these times.
My question is this. Do any of you folks have any tricks you employ to let this emotional blackmail roll off you? Obviously discussion is not an option at these times. I routinely retire to another room and pick up a book to help deal with my feelings/issues. Usually she respects this and leaves me alone. Recently though she has seen how this is helping me retain a certain calm where once I would get dragged into arguments. Occasionally she will now follow me and keep on at me. Last night was a case in point. These arguments are her life blood. She seems to thrive on the discord they produce. I don't want to seem to be ignoring her when she is talking at me but I truly have heard everything she says time and time again. I can sit there and not say a word but she just seems to wind herself up even tighter then, answering for me, putting words in my mouth, making herself even more pissed off with me.
I do realise that I am the butt of all her frustrations because I am the one closest to her. I realise I am not the bad man she will paint me at these times. I just want to know if any of you old stagers have any other secret remedies for avoiding the confrontations alcoholism throws at us? It is so dispiriting having to continually detach from the person you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with. These relationships sometimes produce a more profound loneliness than when we were single. One is forced to undertake things alone in order to avoid, or remove oneself from, confrontation. Such a deeply unfair disease on all involved.
Besides not trying to argue with someone when they are drunk (I always use to forget that one), dealing with emotional blackmail is hard. I tried very hard not to engage the A when he was drinking, but sometimes I was so that I just had to get it out of my system.
The only thing I can offer is for you to remember this: You are kind, loving, caring human being. Deep in your heart you know the person you are. (If you weren't that person, you wouldn't have picked up her daughter at the bus station.) You are entitled and deserve every happiness in the world. Someone once told me to look in the mirror and tell myself "I am a good person, I deserve to be happy." I thought that they were crazy. But I tried it for a week, and you know what? It worked. I started believing that. That's when I found this sight and began my healing. It was like a went off! Bingo that's it!
Remember too how sick she is. It doesn't justify her behavior but it does explain it. The other trick is to walk away from the situation. Don't engage in it with her. She might get the hint that her tactics to make you feel guilty aren't working.
Love and blessings to you my friend.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Piper Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
She has not lifted a drink since she was arrested in April. She suffers from alcoholism...the alcohol has been removed but we are all still dealing with the "isms". The attitude is what made her lift the drink. Even though she no longer drinks the attitude remains and crops up more or less at the same rate as when she WAS drinking.
It sounds like your relationship is one where the rules are constantly changing. In my experience, where there is little stability in the relationship, there can be little trust, little feeling of emotional intimacy. It's as if one is Alice down the rabbit hole--"wait, I wasn't going THERE! Where's the bottom? What's this? What on EARTH??"
I think the biggest thing one can do in these situations is first and foremost to look at oneself. What is my role? What is my side of the street? When I focus on myself I don't feel a need to "Fix" another. I don't feel a need to do anything. I only feel a need to do the next right thing for myself.
I think also something I sensed was the reality that be your partner a "Dry drunk" or a "traditional alcholic" it was help for *her* -isms you were seeking. And again, if I am trying to "cure" someone else's whatever's (quirks, -isms, et cetera), I'm really trying to save them from themselves, reguardless if they asked me to or not. For me, nothing sets me up faster for a resentment than doing something that wasn't asked of me and expecting credit for it. I will never get credit for things that I was never asked to do and will always be resented for it, by myself and by the person who I did it for; I will resent myself because I will see myself as a martyr not getting adequate credit, and I will be resented by others because they will see me as doing for them what they 1) could do very well for themselves or 2) what they didn't want done to begin with.
that I just had to get it out of my system.
went off! Bingo that's it!
It sounds like your relationship is one where the rules are constantly changing. In my experience, where there is little stability in the relationship, there can be little trust, little feeling of emotional intimacy. It's as if one is Alice down the rabbit hole--"wait, I wasn't going THERE! Where's the bottom? What's this? What on EARTH??"