The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I wanted to thank you for your post to me. Yes it is true we can love them even though they are not here.
Well the A would have to know what the monster in him is doing, or he/she would not feel so guilty.
When I hurt, and he is him, he always says to me, "It tears me up to see you so hurt."
So can you imagine how horrible they must feel when they realize it was them that hurt us?
I mean ya know, if it were a dog, of course I have to use an animal analogy,
I adopted this very sweet dog, we played and went places, had a great time. Had our problems with him chewing my shoe straps and taking my hair brush out the door.
Then one day he shows his teeth and growls at me! what??? I think maybe he is sick? So I stay away a bit and give him his space.
Then he is nice a loooong time again. Then BAM! out of nowhere I am petting him and he bites me.
Ok it is not like we know when they will change and we have to back off. It only makes sense we would find ourselves in the middle of it sometimes. Then later remember ohhhh that was the other guy.
It isn't like we have a warning on the top of their heads, that they are now the monster.
Becky my alanon sis, sometimes it is all a nightmare isn't it? I wonder sometimes, if it is easier for people who are not interested in alanon, and can just get a divorce and go on.
I know there are more of them than we realize.
Thank you again. love,debilyn
ps still have the bronchi crap. I have asthma. Last time it stuck in me 9 weeks. ug
((((Deb)))) wow, was I surprised when I looked at the topic column and saw my name! Thanks!
I know my A knows what the orge inside him does, that is why he doesn't want to be around me much when he is getting drunk. And I believe the guilt just adds to his guilt so the more the drinks, the more he has to drink.....crazy.....
Your post got me to thinking about when I was about 8 years old. I wanted a pet so badly, but my Mom wasn't too keen on animals. She likes them, and doesn't want anything bad to happen to them, but she just is not an animal person. Anyway, one night this little stray cat showed up on the doorstep. Mom let me get a box, and an old towel, and I fixed it up a bed. We got it some food and a water dish. Mom said it could stay as long as it stayed outside. I went out and fed the cat everynight, and it was friendly. One night, my beloved cat attacked me, (maybe it just wanted it's food) but I ran into the house screaming and crying about how much I hated that cat. It had been mean to me, so I was done with it. My kindness had been repaid with claws and teeth. The next morning, I took the towel out of the box, threw the box away, put away the food and water bowls, and I was done. No second chances. Good-bye cat. Have a nice life!
During my previous marriages, I have always been the one to leave. One time too many of making me mad, I'm taking my toys and going home. Buddy, you screwed up! And that was that. No looking back. Done. I can have fangs, too, sometimes.
With my current husband, I am so totally the opposite. It seems like no matter what he does, I am so ready to forgive. And he is not the first A I have dealt with. But something is different this time. I have not been able to close that door. I figure I must be truly in love or truly nuts. Maybe a little of both. I know the man he is when the Ogre is not in residence.
All I know is I am so thankful for the Alanon way of life. I was drowning in sorrow and confusion. Beating my head against the wall. You know how it is! And you know, I have been the one who got out, got a divorce, and "went on with my life" 4 times! (but pre Alanon, I just picked another A. Never could figure out what the problem was, now I know. And I will need to work Alanon for the rest of my life, no matter what.
You just keep doing what you are doing and put the focus on you. You have so much to offer. We do not know what tomorrow will bring. I think that is why for today I am choosing to stay with my A. And you are staying with your A in your heart. Because you love him. Even if you cannot live with him the way he is. I understand it completely.
So glad you are my Alanon sis, Deb. We have much to learn from one another, much hope and understanding to give. Hope to hear from you soon!
I can have fangs, too, sometimes.
I know the man he is when the Ogre is not in residence. 