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I was reading at the weekend. This was the lesson I learned, and thought I'd share it with you....
There are some people who are very critical of others. They spend a lot of time telling us what is wrong with us. These people are not deserving of uor loyalty...
Be careful when you hear someone doing this....
If you decide to listen be sure the other person is really talking about you. (They may not be!) Do his/her statements really have to do with you, or is he/she projecting him/herself onto you? Be mindful of where the other person ends and you begin. Another's pain or sorrow belongs to them. You may be compassionate and empathetic of course, but it is not your pain and sorrow. The loyalty where you lose yourself and become submerged into another person is not in your best interest.
I too have been reading a lot lately, but it seems that I was so upset, nothing would sink in. I was so submerged in my A, I was drowning. He used to criticize me, and it used to hurt. Now, I understand that he does it to make himself look better, and I really can tune him out when he starts that (thank-you HP!). Guess I haven't lost my detatchability totally, lol. I have been reading 'Co-dependant No More' by Melody Beattie. Last night, I hit the chapter that was written for me! It was so perfect, at the perfect time. I have been the perfect co-dependent! I am going to re-read that chapter this morning just before I go to do something for me. This is MY day, woohoo!! Thanx for the post! Love, TLC
yes, I agree so much! I'm drowning in the criticism...or was...up until now. trying desperately to understand it, but I now realise you are right.....energy spent criticising me means that there is less left to focus on him...also it makes him look better.
I'm trying very hard to tune out when he starts. I pray for strength too. Sometimes I'm okay, I can tune out. Sometimes, I find it hard to allow him to criticise. But I'm getting there! Enjoy your day AM
I read a lot from The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie. I always, always get something out of it that I can apply to my life.
Thanks, annmarie, for the reminder to keep ourselves separate from others. I especially try to do this when confronting my 18 year old daughter about her behavior. She often says that I'm projecting my fears about my husband, a sober A, onto her, and that I should just trust her. My comments to her are actually based on HER behavior, which is questionable due to her lying to me many, many, many, many times! I see her trying to take the focus off of HER and putting it on me, as my A did when I'd question him about his behavior. Life is all about psychology, huh...
Thanks for the post. I have also been caught in the trap of becoming enmeshed and consumed with the A's criticism's. He goes through these moods that everything in his life irritates him. He begins taking my inventory and sharing with me all the little quirks and "issues" that I have that drive him crazy. I have gotten so wrapped up in trying to defend myself, taking responsibility for my stuff but feeling so stripped afterwards. I have come to realize after doing this back and forth thing with him for 4 years now that he's in a mood. He's irritable, maybe wants a drink, or doesn't really know what he wants. He begins that "stinking thinking" talk with in himself and projects those nasty feelings onto me. I used to get so hurt and offended. Now that I'm getting healthier I realize it has nothing to do with me. We both have irritable quirks and habits that get on each other's nerves. We're not perfect people, but honestly his frustration is about what he's not doing in his life. I'm just the person he likes to blame for all his problems in life. I'm getting really good at saying, " Wow I didn't realize I had that much power", and " I really hate that you feel like that". It really helps me detach from the comments and the mood that he's in.
Take care,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Two thoughts come to mind for me, on this subject....
First, my very favourite saying: "what you think of me is none of my business".....
Second, and my sponsor used to remind me of this one all the time:
Don't "should" on me... I will not "should" on others, nor will I accept people "shoulding" on me. People can keep their "shoulds" to themselves, and we are all responsible for our own "should".
Have a great day
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
What a great topic. I am now finally getting it. I will say that if I am hungry, angry, lonely and tired, then I'm not spiritually centered. If I don't take care of myself first, I will fall back into old behavior....doubting myself and taking the criticism.
I had to be separated from my A for a year to "really" see things as they are and not how I wished them to be. I can now see clearly enough to know when other people's stuff is not about me. Thanks to my sponsor and the fellowship.
Twinmom....that's exactly me too....I coudn't put it quite as eloquently as yourself but that's how I feel too. Somehow, I have been confused with defending myself and setting boundaries etc....I couldn't find the fine line. It's getting clearer now though...
Tom...I have already been using your advice "what you think of me is none of my business..." (that confuses him!) It gives me time in a heated conversation to gather my thoughts, and also gain a clearer perspective.
Kathi.....I had to smile....I see you have an eighteen year old psychologist in your house too....sounds very familiar! Wise words though. I agree with everything you said.
I have been struggling lately to find where I end and my A begins....how our thinkings and struggles are intertwined...and where the crass criticism is coming from. When we physcially have time...days...apart I find I can see it clearer. It helps me grow. I notice he's doing a lot of that "stinking thinking" lately. He's struggling with early sobriety and can't handle a wage packet in his pocket really. As soon as he gets money, the beermagnet dances in his brain as far as I can see. I've observed this...He will instigate arguments so he can get away...I'm sure you all know how it is ! Anyway, up until now, I somehow felt a bit guilty...maybe I said the wrong thing...shouldn't have argued....should have put my headphones on!...detatched...etc ....etc....
I now realise I do not have to take the criticism, because much of it is actually his pain, his hurt....projected onto me. I am not all those things he said I was....
I feel better now....
Thanks for all your replies and support as ever AM
Very good topic, annmarie, and thank you for bringing it up.
Such a good reminder for one who tends to "believe" what others say, thinking they have my best interest at heart, when in reality that is not the case or their motive.
I put a lot of distance between me and my younger sister because of this. She felt that I should give to her more when I had nothing to give. I had no money to be buying her children presents but really that is all she wanted me for. Then she would criticise me because I was not earning more - I was just meant to be a giver who was silent. There are other people in my life who mirror that namely my boyfriend.
