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hi guys , great to see you here ! and love to read and reply on this board when I can. Anyway going on from what I said last time I started a thread , the guy that I was seeing actually admitted to half-cheating . You'll have to use your imagination about what that means I think. And he also said that he would find it difficult to change that about himself. Well I was very upset especially as I feel I'm pretty lenient about alot of things for a female. He was also spending alot of time with a woman that he was obviously very keen on and I warned him that it was on the way out with us.
then I started dating a friend and although it's in the early stages we've said that we're committed to it , and this guy has alot of qualities that I look for . Well then ... my ex claims that I should be working things out with him ! I don't see that I have an obligation to it really , I didn't mind so much that he wouldn't 'commit' I said as long as it was 'exclusive' , but if it's not that either I can't see somehow that I'm waiting for an uncommitted person to learn not to half-cheat. His doing that made me feel that he wasn't who I thought he was and I don't really want him trying to 'compete' with the new guy , it's not a football match ! especially also I've estimated that he doesn't really want me , you know that he wants me to be there for him but that he'd lose interest if he succeeded in getting me back , he has other women hes interested in that he goes out with and I feel its a case of 'wanting what you haven't got' , you know ? He's also now denying the half-cheating but I don't believe him now. I didn't expect any of this to happen ... like I said it's not what I thought it was ...
but ... I do want to be on good terms with him especially as we have to work together sometimes unavoidably and are sometimes in the same recovery groups. Whether or not he is and A or not I don't know but I'm here because I am an Alanon member long term adult child etc , lots of experience with As , and this is also to do with my patterning and somehow how do I get into things like this that are complicated , well thats not so unusual I guess , but the way I react to things is with guilt I think , fear and maybe still sometimes lack of skills to communicate how things are . Its like there is a cloud over things at the moment making me look as though it's me thats confused , which I'm not , I think maybe my ex is making it look like I am , or maybe he doesn't realise that but what I do usually is that I do actually care about the few exes that I have , I don't always break all contact , not always totally if theres scope for some bit of friendship , and anyway in this case that isn't entirely possible .
I've said more about the ex here than the new person because thats an issue that I want to bring here , the new situation seems to be going well so I don't feel the need to write about it ,
hi again , ok sorry maybe this is a bit complicated to answer on here and not used to the online version yet . But thanks for the space anyway. Just wanted to add to it if that's OK ... what happened next wat that our friends got together and decided that our exes deserve another chance ! funny because some of them though differently beforehand ,
Anyways that's a bit confusing in my case as I thought my ex was sort of seeing someone else. And I've gotten to know her a little , and that would upset her if I was to 'give him another chance' . A chance at what ? I don't always mind things being 'unclear' but then you can't say they are clear if they're not ! And I found it offputting the whole half-cheating thing and the vagueness about it etc , that is where I would want a straight answer . Although all these people make brilliant friends actually ,
It seems whatever I do is wrong , either I should or shouldn't have committed to this or that and then someone else will come up and say hey but you're being disloyal to someone else now ! reminds me of nursery school - I remember reaching for a jam tart and the girl opposite said in a loud voice ' actually ... I was going to have that ... ' yes but I didn't know she was !
So I guess it goes back to one thing - either you're in a commitment or you're not , and I don't have an obligation to any unclear unspoken arrangements !
I have spent so much time giving my s/o chances. Really I need to put my needs up there but I learned not to as a child. I certainly think its great for you to say I don't want to pursue this any more. I am like superglue in a relationship. I go out with real wounds and amputations.
thankyou maresie ... well I never thought it would come to anything like that ... its a complex situation that's all , perhaps I'll update it again sometime . Sorry to hear that you've been through that I don't get into that kind of situation any more since I've been in recovery ... llol Vickyr x
