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Well I have probably said this before a million times. But again it hit me.
Ok now I get it. again. The mean A or monster does not love me, in fact hates me and everything to do with me. Tells everyone lies about me, they believe it becuz they do not realize it is not the man who I married.
My A husband, loves me, adores me, would kill for me.
Another reason to leave immediately when it is there.
I was so shocked that I missed seeing my husband out of jail, that I got myself locked into the insanity when I went and saw him. Now i gotta remember again, if it is the monster, be strong enough to walk away.
When this hit me again, it stopped me from wanting to contact him again. Becuz if my husband ever comes back, he will contact me.
This is why alanon is a lifetime thing for us too. We are not perfect and need reminders and support.
I do have one question or just well what ever, they are two different persons in one body. But they must cross somewhere, at least my A does. Becuz he will not tell me he does not love me even when he is the monster.
I suppose he knows as soon as I hear that, I am gone forever. I always told him, if ya don't want to be with me then don't. I dont' want anyone around me if they do not want to be.
I found some comfort in this. I know my husband is in there somewhere. Becuz as many of you tried to tell me, I did see him. He IS there. I thought he was allll gone.
(((((Deb)))))) Hope you are feeling better from your recent bout with bronchitis. That stuff sucks! I get it a lot, and it knocks me off my feet for a week or so, then I cough for a coupla months after. Bleh!
I hear people write about their A not being mean, well that is a foreign concent in my relationship with my AH. When he gets past a certain point when drinking (and that varies from day to day) he transforms into a beast. The handsome, kind, funny guy who would give any one in need the shirt off his back, who brings home sick and abandoned baby bunnies, cats, birds, and who would kill for me, leaves.
In his place stands an ogre. Raging, wanting to destroy everything. Yelling, cursing, threatening. Well, you know how it is. Your H sounds a lot like mine. Mine does not cheat, either. Other than that, I do not recognize him. His veins bulge out, his face is red, he is loud, arrogant. Even his speech changes into a cursing, "uneducated-just came down out of the hills" almost a cartoonish "hillbilly" sounding speech. I don't have anything against hillbillys or whatever, heck my own daughter thinks I'm a hick, some of the things I do. The point I'm getting at is the transformation. I do not recognize this Ogre standing there in front of me. Remember "The Hulk" where the guy changes? Kinda like that. A mean Hulk.
I have learned thru this program that I do not have to tolerate this behavior. I calmly tell him I am leaving for the day/evening/whatever if he doesn't stop. Or I tell him to leave. We have been apart many times due to his alcoholism. Most of the time, he just leaves without me even telling him to.
It is so hard to watch someone you love change like that. That is interesting what you said about the personalities crossing somewhere. I'd never thought of that. To me, it was always one or the other. But I think you must be.
Glad to hear you are taking care of Debi and the Eden babies. You are a special person.
If you're like me, you will keep saying the same thing over and over for 2 million times. That's a sympton of my disease, I have a very thick skull! LOL.
You are right, your husband knows where you are, and he will contact you. It is best to just leave "The Hulk" where he is for now. Rest in the knowledge that inside that sick man you see right now, your husband loves you still, and you can continue to love him. That is a lesson I finally learned, is that my husband does not even need to be here for me to love him. I can remember the good times, the fun we had. He is a prisoner in his own body. Alcoholism is so confusing.
I definitely deal with a Jekyll and Hyde too. When I met him he was sweetness personified. That did not last long. I was hooked in though and not able to leave. That is my issue the leaving because god knows I have had enough red flags and more flags than a UN meeting. I also know I wanted to give it a fair shot. I have and more and then I found al-anon and started working on me. Now I am plan b night and day.
