The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I’m not one to reach out for help but my wonderful sponsor is tied up with a very sick family member and I don’t want to burden her. I am lost and I don’t where to turn.
My 76-year-old mother called me yesterday and told me that she had arrived home from a trip early and that dad had been drinking. They got into an argument. I’m not sure if he hurt her or not but she felt the need to flee the house. They have been married for almost 56 years and this is the worst it has been. She is now staying at a safe house for battered women and is afraid to go home. She needs to get into the house to get her meds, but is afraid to. I would go and get them for her but if he is home, he will think that I am taking her side. I feel so torn.
My dad called me this morning to ask if I knew where mom is. I had to lie to him and tell him that I didn’t know but I did tell him that she called me and told me that she was safe. I am the only child that lives in the same city as they do, so I get both of them trying to involve me in things. I want to support my mom but I really don’t know how to do that without getting involved. I really can’t handle the “he said, she said” conversations.
I am so sorry you're in the middle of the family stuff going on with your mom and dad. That must be pretty hard on you!
I really don't know what you should do, as I've never been in that situation before. I just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you and will keep you and your family in my prayers.
One thought I did have, however, was to find out if she can get the police involved in getting her meds. Maybe that sounds far-fetched and unnecessary, but that's the only thing that popped into my mind. Plus, if she has been hit or hurt in anyway, I would think the police should be notified. I know when my daughter's dad wouldn't let her come to his house, the house she grew up in, because he was mad that she didn't want to live with him anymore, he wouldn't let her have any of her things out of her bedroom. My attorney said that since it was in our court document that she can have any of her things, that if he didn't comply, we could have a sheriff escort us to the house to pick them up.
Shadow, I am sorry to hear that you have been put in the middle of this unpleasantness. I'll keep you close in my prayers.
Now...your post should stand as a warning to anyone who is on the fence about putting up with abusive behavior from an A. How many of us; certainly not I, wants to be living in a safe house, afraid to go home to get the meds at 76 years old? What a terrible future to contemplate. I hope you have given others a reason to think what life could and may well be in their old age. I am keeping your mom in my prayers and positive thoughts too. God knows she needs His help.
As for you, I know how hurtful it all must be; just keep yourself at the top of the list of concerns.
With sincere caring, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
((((((((((shadow)))))))))) i very sorry to hear what you are going through right now. that must be really hard. for your serenity is there someone else that could perhaps get the meds? im glad your mother is safe, she is very smart to go to the safehouse. i have not been in a situation as difficult as yours but can relate to the taking sides. i would refuse to listen to the back and forth talk and just focus on spending my time with my loved ones separatly doing what we enjoy......with no talk about the other person. i dont know if any of this really helps but dont forget to take care of you, as that is most important. im here for you like i know you are there for me and my prayers are with you. feel free to email me anytime. ((((((((hugs)))))))))
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stay in the now...dont look forward, dont look back....your life is what you make of it
I am sorry to hear about your mom's trouble and your dilemma!
What lmt said about the police doesnt sound far fetched to me at all. I was once involved in a similiar situation where we had a person staying with us for a day or two whom was "hiding" from her husband for similiar reasons and she too had medication she had to leave behind. A call to the police here, and they went by and got them for her..even called her from the house to make sure they were getting the right and all the medications.
First off, *never* be afraid to call your sponsor. Speaking as one who *has* sponsored, it was the joy of my day to hear from the young ladies I was working with. To share in their lives, no matter what was going on in mine, was just a joy of god. Honest!
Second, in light of how your mother's well being is at stake, I feel that you did the right thing not disclosing her location to your father. You can go get the meds yourself, and honestly tell your father you aren't allowed to discuss your mother's private life with him. Or you could simply tell him she's in a safe place where he isn't allowed to contact her. *Please, be certain her medical needs are seen to. Other wise, she'll be in worse shape than she already is!*
Lastly, try to get the whole story, with *every* detail. If medical or legal intervention is called for, you can borrow our courage to see it through. We won't let you go through this alone! we love you honey!
This has got to be hard on you. So glad that you reached out for help. I am at a loss when it comes to suggestions. But I would think that if she was in a shelter then they should be able to suggest ways for her to get her meds and other belongings out of the house and to her. I know our local shelter has a legal advocate that can offer advice for the clients of the shelter.
Trying to not get into the middle sounds like a great idea, especially since this is your parents. Just remember that you are doing the best you can with what you have.
Try to find some time to take care of you!
Sending Hugs, support, and prayers your way!
Yours in Recovery,
Mandy
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
