The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been gone a while on vacation and had a week of getting back to normal life (that means laundry, grocery shopping, unpacking, etc, etc.). I have missed you and your posts so much.
I have been thinking of your wisdom, shared here and in online meetings, as well as from my trusted friends... about my relationship with my father that has caused me so much pain. He essentially ignores me and my family yet is an attentive husband, father, and grandfahter to my stepmother, her son and grandson respectively. My step mother is the alcoholic in our family; Dad never went to al-anon; she was a mean drunk for 5 years but has been clean and sober now for almost 20 years in AA but of the last 2-3 years not practicing her program. Lots of family issues too long and complicated to go into.
I was having some suicidal thoughts that stemmed from this pain (my father's lack of attention and involvement in our lives) back in June. Since July, I have been on an anti-depressant, gotten back to al-anon meetings and literature, am praying and mediatating more, made an appointment with a counselor, and have reached out to close friends for support. The response has been very much to the effect that my father has a problem, that the things he does and does not do are not normal... and it was very validating to me to hear that from some of you and from some of my close friends.
I have also taken some steps to take care of myself: I got my hair cut today (something I put off for 6 months at a time); I made a doctor's appt; I am going to have a pedicure next week (yup -- I can't believe the splurge, but I'm going to spend time with a girlfriend having my feet massaged and buffed and painted! I can't wait!!) :) As the only "girl" in our house, it seems like such an indulgence to do these things, but, I realized today after my haircut that I miss me -- the girlie part of me. I felt refreshed and energized with my new "do". I feel really good that I'm going to the doctor and even better that I made a counselor's appt. Most of all, I feel good that I had the courage to tell my husband that I need some time to myself to do thses things and have taken the time to follow up. He was a little impatient when I got home tonight, but I was so appreciative that his impatience soon passed. It feels good to take care of my own needs.
As I type, I'm having an "ah-ha!" and that is: that in this relationship with my father, I just have to let him be. I can still love him (and I do) but don't like how he treats me and my kids. Keeping this in mind, I have a choice; I can decide how to have him in my life: 1) I can eliminate him from my life by not contacting him; 2) I can limit the time I spend with him, accept him for who he is and what he has to give; or, 3) I can keep killing myself to understand him and try to "fix" whatever is wrong between us. Hmmmmm....
I think I'll go for option number 2!
A friend reminded me today that as a daughter, I've done nothing wrong. I am a nice person, a thoughtful person. I do right by people; I've done right by my father, my stepmother, my step brother. I have nothing to be ashamed about. My behavior has been totally ok/ normal/ functional in those relationships for the most part.
She did say that I am very forthright and sometimes that throws people -- maybe it throws him off, he doesn't seem to like confrontation and honesty. I am honest. I try to be authentic. What you see is what you get. When I have a relatinship with someone, I want it to be real, you know? Not polite and superficial. If we have a problem, let's talk about it and make it right.
But, on the other hand... I do have a more superficial, polite relationship with some people. Usually, they are acquaintances or people I'm not too friendly with but have to work with or something.
That is my dilemma. How do I accept that level of a relationship with my father? My father???
Expectations. I expect a parent to love his child. I expect a parent to take his child's needs seriously and to attend to them, no matter how old the child is. I expect a parent to be loyal to his own blood relatives over someone else's kid.
I can have those expectations for myself... but I am slowly realizing that I cannot expect that from my father.
sad.
My husband reminded me tonite, my father has never really been there for me as a parent.... and as I think about it, it's true.
I have fabricated a father in my mind that I've wanted him to be and a relationship with that parent that I long for. He just doesn't have it in him to be that kind of father. My problem is hanging onto the hope that one day he'll turn into the father of my fabrication.
He is a nice person to talk to about the weather, but don't talk to him about problems at work or marital issues or anything personal.
He enjoys/appreciates a good meal here, but don't expect him to bring anything or do anything special with the kids to make his visit special to them. So, why invite him unless I have to? (I'll continue to do right by him so that when he dies, I have no regrets.) When I do invite him over, I have to think of him simply as a family friend. No expectations, just glad to see him once in a while.
Detach: Get off his back (don't expect anything from him); get out of God's way; get on with my life (put my energies where they are needed -- into my family and being the kind of woman, wife, mother, friend, and worker I want to be and do with my life what I want to do).
Sounds good? Big steps for this little girl finally growing up. Realizing that your parent is not there for you is hard. Sad. I guess I have to deal with that sadness and let it go... hopefully the counseling will help me with that.
ok, well, I've written alot...thanks for letting me process this all out through the written word. Sorry this is so long... if you've read to the end, you should get a reward!!! :)
well, ala-pals, I love you and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for the heartfelt words of encouragement and wisdom you have given me. Most of all, thank you for the hope for a new life -- an easier life, and doing things in an easier and softer way.
When something is missing from our lives, you're right, we build up idealized images of what we want, rather than looking at what we really do have. I think, too that the idealized image is better than anything ANYONE really has - I know when my marriage was so bad, I would imagine the husband I should have. Gentle yet strong, wise yet funny - an impossible vision. I imagined that all the happy marriages around me were not only happy, but blissful. I was always so surprised when the people I knew who were NOT married to A's would say something that showed that their husbands were sometimes petty, or selfish, or acted like jerks. The reality is, every human has some problems, and every human relationship has its flaws - even good ones. When we come to accept that, and stop pining for what we don't have, and really looking at what we do, we can start to see our lives clearly.
