The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
i am still so new to this. i'm still trying to understand how the alcoholic still suffers from their disease even when they're not drinking. part of me speculates that he uses it as an excuse so he can act with total self-indulgence. part of me knows it's part of a bigger disease that i don't fully understand yet. he's also an ACOA and a child abuse survivor, so part of me is much more familiar with that, i can understand his issues with intimacy. what i can't understand is the "drunken" behavior ... escalating into insults and swearing, and then later he swears he never, ever said those things. tells me i must be crazy. that alone would make me kick him to the curb, but *always* the next day, or hours later, he says he does remember a bit, or even if he can't remember, he believes me, and he makes amends.
tonight, it's going around and around in the crazy circles that's making me feel like i'm drunk! semantics, deflection, mimimizing, redirection ... whew! and every time i detach and take a step back, his reponses get worse ... yet i have nowhere to go, i'm disabled so i can't just go out for a walk or ride in the car like i really want to. he knows i can't go anywhere right now, to get away from the arguing, other than to set limits, or to get on the computer and ignore him.
anyway, so i got to the point where i was successfully detaching, letting go, on the inside reaching out to let my HP help me, on the outside maintaining polite distance from my A. then WHAM ... he called me "extremely abusive" AGAIN. i asked, "what did i say that you find extremely abusive?" and he does the "half-sentence-oops-i-forgot" thing, yet again. this is the fourth time he's labeled me an abuser. he was a drug and alcohol counselor, also trained to work with some domestic violence, so i've trusted him to know what abuse is and isn't, you know? why would a sane man say these things to me, unless i really am abusive? the examples he does give, they always turn out to be me simply disagreeing politely with him, nothing near abuse. so i end up journaling endlessly, hours upon hours, praying, going through every little thing i've said and done, trying to find the abuse in my words and actions ... by then he's worked out whatever's made him act "dry drunk" and everything's ok again.
IS this "normal" sober A behavior? or is this something else entirely?? tonight i feel on the edge of insanity. i was an abused child. i've been in abusive relationships. for me to be an abuser, to be called an abuser ... it's my worst nightmare. i think he knows that.
This all sounds so familiar. Sounds like you are doing your best. Detach and imagine that everything he is saying he is saying about himself. Which in fact I believe they are.
I was not raised with my bio father, so I was not around during his drinking years. After we met when I was about 30 I went to many AA meetings and Alanon meetings. My father was sober for 30 years before he died a few years ago. I found him to be self indulgent and selfish. His wife stuck it out with him by becoming a member of Alanon. I have a few thoughts on this nutrition and drunks. Have you noticed how they crave sugar? My doctor told me once that he believe 60% of alcholics are clinically depressed and need anti depressants. I think there is a physical need for the booze, but also it is a mental thing as well. I belive anyone who is with a drunk needs alanon. Now that comes to me. I am so miserable tonight. I just need to vent. I have a girlfriend who is a alcholic. It has gotten worse. She had a brain aneurysm a few years ago. She has some issues from it but is basically okay. We were single together but I got married five years ago. She is also a ACOA. I have watched her have really messed up realtionships over and over. Miserable in her single life looking for the white knight. Recently she got involved in a online realtionship which turned out to be a Nigerian scam..Yes they have infiltrated the dating sites. Even after she knew it was a scam she would get drunk and pour her heart out to this person. A week ago she tried to wire this scammer 1500.00. The next day she realized that was insane...Plus I had sent her a email and told her she was getting way over the top out of control. She has several men who call her for booty call. She just bounces around trying to find a place to spend the night and it is so pathetic. This week she started attening AA and I was so happy. I miss my friend. We can not hang out because I don't drink. Friday night she went out and today she is going to some friends who live on a boat and all they do is drink all the time. I am so disappointed. I cried. I wouldn't be surprized if she has aids. Her children have had it with her. I am so sad.
My sister also is addicted to pills. I have lost my sister to addiction as well. I feel like I don't have any friends.
I guess I will start going to Alanon meetings. I am so tired of listening and trying to help. I am a sucker. These people who do these things are blind to how hard it is on the people they care about.
My stepmom said she got well when my father was drunk at a press dinner and he insulted Rosey Grier and passed out face first in his spaghetti. She kept talking and enjoying her evening..he woke up about 20 minutes later.
Raven, have you bought the book "Alcholics Anonymous?" It's also called "The Big Book." It's a great beginners manual for people trying to understand alcholism and how alcholism works with alcholics. An additional help (I really need to sit down and read this, I know) is "Getting Them Sober." But all of us agree, that to truly understand the concept of a human being hostage to a disease is "The Big Book." Barnes and Nobles will have it. Promise. Start there.
Tiger, I am not sure you are talking to me about the big book. I gave that book to my friend. I have read parts of it and have spent many nights at AA meetings with my father. I think I need to go back to Alanon. I was never a official member but I am really in pain over my sister and my friend. Thanks for being here guys. Glad I found this place.
hi Zyperiris, it's a little confusing because you posted in a thread i started but it looks like you might be better off starting your own thread, to get more responses. you can copy what you said here, then click "new topic" and paste it, that'll do it :)
doxie wrote:
Detach and imagine that everything he is saying he is saying about himself. Which in fact I believe they are.
thank you, Doxie! that part really hit me. because a few times i've sat there wondering, "hey, is he even talking about me?? it sounds like he's describing himself!" but i didn't know how to respond. i mean, i felt like i had to defend myself each time. detach, detach, detach ... i'll get it eventually!
*nods* Tiger2006, i have the Big Book. the language about wives/significant others is a little archaic, i understand what they're saying but sometimes it's hard to identify with. sometimes, to be brutally honest, it sounds like the BB is advising that non-A's have to be martyrs practically, or at least be superhumanly patient and indulgent of their A's behavior. sometimes i even get into a foul (thankfully brief) mood of "hey, when do i get to act like a loon and have someone indulge ME?!"
Actually, ((Raven)) That's how I felt too. I was like "Oh, you *HAVE* to be kidding." But if you look carefully, there are some lines in the chapter "To The Wives" about leaving the marriage; I think what I had to come to understand was, at the time of writing the Big Book was written for an audience where you *Stayed*. Today, many AA's say "If she hadn't left, I wouldn't have ever realized *I* was the problem." *shrugs and shakes head* The Big book, to me, is hands down the best insight into how an alcholic thinks and ultimately what leads them into the grip of their insanity. Some of the spouses of A's could also give you some literature recommendations.
i asked, "what did i say that you find extremely abusive?" and he does the "half-sentence-oops-i-forgot" thing, yet again. this is the fourth time he's labeled me an abuser.