The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Summer is always hectic here. The kids are all home and this year the older ones have jobs. The little guys keep me busy, either with the pool or baseball and everything else that goes with summer.
With summer winding down, I am looking forward to fall and sad that the kids are all going back to school. I am probably one of the few nuts in the world that loves having them all home with me for the summer.
I have not been here in a while, been too busy and we have been having constant power outages as well, but you are all often in my thoughts.
My husband finally got a job. Actually a very good one, benefits and everything. It is an hour commute. Since he now gets benefits, I should be willing to stop having my company provide tehm. I pay for them out of my pay. I haven't as of yet. I am afraid too. My company is phasing out the benefits and if I let them go, I can't them back. So I am watching and waiting. He takes offense to this saying I think he will mess up. I don't want him to, but his track record is not good. I am afraid to pin our families well being on him. I can't until he proves he will stay at this job.
We still fight constantly about his Mother. She expects him to do everything for her now, and he accomodates. He does her yard work, grocery shopping, stops at her house a few times a day and spends several hours each evening with her. He says she likes to hear about his day and needs someone to talk to. I get angry and the kids get upset because he comes home so late and then goes to bed. He comes right out and says he doesn't want to hear about my day or the kids day, only her day.
I still get to do everything here, on the upside, the kids pay to have the yard done, but I get angry because they pay, while he is over doing hers. I know I am mean and heartless when it comes to her. I admitt it, I don't like the woman.
I have done a lot to take care of me though. We refinanced the house and paid off all our bills. The house now has my name on it, so I do not have to fear his mother. I put some of the money form the refinance inot a savings account and now there is a nest egg. The stress of not being able to pay the bills is now gone, and I do sleep easier. I even bought myself a dependable vehicle and had the older kids cars brought into shape.
My husband no longer has to depend on his Mother, but now he feels he owes her everything. The tables have turned and it is worse.
I have still made no decisions but I finally have all things taken care of, and all my ducks are in a row. If and when I make a decision, I can do it without fear. Right now we just live each day and are grateful that we are all well. The kids are all happy and we survive. I have learned that if I am not sure of what to do, I should do nothing, so I wait.
My little Conner is two and a half now and gets cuter each day. He is such a mush! He cuddles one minute and throws tantrums the next. He amazes me how smart he is. (okay, I am a Mother!)
I love them all equally, but I still remember how close I came to losing him, and I consider him a miracle.
I think back to that time. The fear, the anger, the insecurity. I am not the same woman I was then. I'm stronger, more confidant, have learned to stand up for myself and I am happy with me.
I have proven what I can do and what the kids can do. My huband gets angry and says he feels like an outsider. Sadly he is right. He says I don't love or respect him. I do love him, but any respect is long gone. I see a very superficial shell of the man I knew. He is sad, lonely and usually angry. He talks only of the past, always about his parents and childhood friends.
I try and include him, but he never follows through, so we move on without him. He alianates himself from all of us a little more each day. It really is me and the kids and then him and his Mother. It is very pathetic and very sad.
He tells me often that I don't need him, and I just tell him that I don't but I do love him and walk away.
I used to find myslf wishing she would die. Now I realize that when she does, he will be all alone, and the damage that he has done to his relationship with all of us will be too great to repair. So he will be really alone.
This disease really does stink. He chooses not to try and beat it, but for the first time, I really believe the kids and I have.
Jeannie, What a tough situation. I would strongly encourage you to keep taking the benefits your company offers. It's the prudent way to take care of you and your children. Your little one sounds so cute! One day at a time. D-Anne
I am also one of those nuts that loves to have my kids home with me. I love being with them and like you am not looking forward to going back to school.
I would also like to reiterate the last reply, please take careful consideration when deciding whether of not to drop your benefits. In today's day and age, this is a benefit that once let go is often very difficult to get back. You said that your husband just got a job, which leads me to believe that although it may have been difficult, you were able to get by on just yours. So, is the money being put out for benefits really going to impact you more than having the peace of mind that if need be you can continue to take care of yourself and the children. I carry the medical benefits for our family and it has often been a true sense of peace that regardless of whether or not the A in my life is active or sober, I will be able to continue to provide the medical coverage for us.
Perhaps reading some pages on Tradition 7 may bring some clarity to you as you work on this decision.
I can definitely emphathise with the issue of dealing with a mother who expects everything. One of my real issues with the A has been around holidays. Every holiday he has to spend with his mother. That is for 6 years every single holiday she is first priority. Now she has decided to get married and get married like tomorrow and kick his brother out into the street. No one is course stating that she is selfish (which she is).
I know this is a super big change for my boyfriend because his mother has always been around physically. Now she will be gone many states away. No doubt she will find some other way to make herself the center of attention. I think it is incredibly difficult to deal with someone who has a mother like that. If they do not have boundaries it is hell.
I also know my own mother was like that. She made my sisters lives hell till she died. She took up everyone's time. In some ways I am relieved his mother is marrying, someone else can take care of her. I was worried what she would come up with as she is well over retirement age and I am not sure what her demands would have been once she retired. On another level, being in al-anon I am really super clear I am out of it. It is none of my business. I have expressed some concern about the brother who is out in the street. I have also said he cannot come and live with me. I am through taking in my boyfriends friends and being punished for my good deeds.
I must say I admire the way you have made sure to take care of yourself. I think its impressive you have set your finances up ok. I am currently working at a job I do not like much in order to keep my bills flowing. I have learned not to be dependent on the A. In fact if anything the A has always been a drain on me. He has never helped me financially in any way. I have always helped him. I am also aware of nagging resentments of the many things he has done to me over the years, left me high and dry when his friends were around, put his family first always on holidays and my birthday and more. I dont' want to harbor those resentments but I also can't just let them go they are indicators that I am not a partner just someone on the periphery of his life.
Hi Jeannie often wonder how you are doing. Well it sounds like MIL hasn't changed at all. Still playing the same old games and winning at them. She chooses to alienate your husband from you and because he has never been self sufficient he loves every minute of it because the pampering from her continues. I am really proud of you. To me you have grown so much you are financially independent, have assets behind you and a wonderful loving family. Let's face it you probably did all this before but now you are managing your life to suit you and your children first. That is huge. HP will look after you and your family. I will never forget the kindness you showed to your father in law and also your husband's mother when it was needed most. As for MIL some people aren't happy unless they are unhappy. I hope that you are finally getting the serenity you so richly deserve. Luv Leo xxx
