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I am having some mixed feelings about A husband. I got married to my first husband at a very young age and started having children. I missed out on my teenage years and at the time just really didn't realize it. While girls my age where in high school going to proms, shopping at the mall on the weekends and "going steady" with a boy I was at home changing diapers and being a wife. I did all the right things. I didn't experiment with drugs or alcohol and before I married I didn't really date. My life was dedicated to being a good mother and wife. Fast forward 20 yrs., my boys were almost grown and I found myself going thru a divorce. Well I soon found out that I had indeed missed some of my teenage years and started going out and "partying" a little. Well I ended up meeting my current husband and he was more than willing to "party" with me. There were red flags everywhere but I chose to ignore them. It wasn't long before I felt that I had lived out my teenage years and no longer wanted to party. That's when all the arguing began and I soon found myself in a marriage that I didn't want to be in. I left several times to only return. The arguments kept getting worse and my self-esteem all but vanished. It became a vicious cycle of arguments, him calling me names and chipping away from my self-esteem, me eventually giving in and calling him names or finding myself having to always defend myself from the emotional, and verbal abuse. I would leave and be fine for awhile and then my self-esteem would take over and I would find myself "tucking my tail between my legs" and going back because I felt that I couldn't do any better. You all know the song and dance. Well my husband's mother passed away 1 1/2 yrs ago and between that and his alcoholism, our marriage went straight down hill and once again I found myself seperated from him. We seperated in November. We tried to "date" several times but his disease would take over and things would not work out. Well with his mother being gone, who I felt was his biggest enabler, and me being gone my husband has had to do some growing up. The last couple of months my husband has been trying to get me to come back home. I have seen some improvement. He's drinking very little (but still drinking) and he has become more responsible in his actions. He's paying bills on time, going to work, no longer drinking and driving and become a pleasent person to be around. Sometimes I feel that I am falling in love with him all over but at times I wonder if it's to little to late. I feel so guilty at times because I know that he can see this. He has been trying so hard. I just wonder if this feeling will pass.
I'm sorry that this was such a long post but I needed to vent. I am grateful to have this board to be able to do that from time to time.
i learned in this program that if we are confused we don't need to decide anything. confusion is actually helpful because it can make us slow down and think, or wait. i love this idea but it drives the alcoholics in my life crazy. they want to know it all right now. instant gratification. so when ever i am asked a question that i don't automatically know the answer to i just say...let me think about it. i don't know if this helps but it's how i decided to go back to my ah and then how i ultimatly decided to leave. love is patient, love is kind.......
I also agree with serendipity. There has to be a reason that you are feeling unsure. My head and my heart don't always have great communication. I have learned that some of my biggest pains have come from listening to myheart instead of my head. That is one of the reasons that I examine my motives for doing something.
Take care of you and you don't have to rush into anything.
Yours in recovery,
Dolphin123
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
I can definitely relate to seeing the mother being out of the way as a chance. At the same time I can empathise that you feel tremendous damage has been done to the relationship.
My boyfriends mother is moving and getting married out of the blue. LIke in a one month period. She has not dated for ten years meets someone and marries them the next month. I am not that interested in her life but I know that the fact she is not around will help a lot.
I appreciate your dilemma I hope you keep posting and sharing and working your program.
"The last couple of months my husband has been trying to get me to come back home. I have seen some improvement. He's drinking very little (but still drinking) and he has become more responsible in his actions. He's paying bills on time, going to work, no longer drinking and driving and become a pleasent person to be around"
I would encourage you to simply read, and re-read the above portion of your post Julie.... Sounds to me that he is making 'some' progress, but is still drinking - I guess the question I have to ask you is..... is this enough for you?? That - for today - he is drinking a little less? I'm certainly not saying there is no hope - I'd just like you to consider the likelihood that he isn't there yet, still hasn't fully chosen recovery yet.... In my humble (and honest) opinion - an active A is still an active A.... he can't "control" his drinking for long, and he does not yet sound like he has fully decided on whether or not he wants to get sober.
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Hello Julie , please go to Al-Anon meetings for yourself , give us a few months and see how u feel then , this is alife changing decission you are trying to make , date go to meetings and see what happens in a few months . Get the focus on your needs and see what happens . Louise
when i left my "A" boyfriend after nearly 2 yrs together.... he was lost in his world of alcohol and perscription drugs...not to mention more stuff...
THEN.. he cleaned up his act..."sort of" ... he drank less, got a job, a new place to live... he put on his "good act" for a few mths... i started going round to see him more and more... and feeling the same feelings coming back... then the s**t hit the fan... he started drinking more, lost his job, lost his place... started doing robberies to support himself and landed in the height of crap!
he disappeared for over 5 weeks... i feared he was dead... no contact with anyone... he developed cirrosis of the liver and went thru hell.
that was the mths of march, april, may, june and july for HIM.
now he's goin thru another "sober-ish" state... so just beware julie............
...............remember... alcoholics can manipulate you and make u believe whats not really true at all.... just have ur guard up... saves getting hurt again.....
