The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Husband moved back home yesterday after being seperated for 6 1/2 weeks. We have talked to each other every day since he moved out - some conversations more pleasant than others but we have seen each other only 4 times since the incident that caused our seperation. After doing my usual running after work for kids and house stuff I came home to a cooked dinner. I should feel good - so why do I feel like there is this giant elephant sitting in my living room and that I am the only one who can see it.
I had a moment of clarity the other night about depression and leaving the pain of the past in the past. I am wondering how these fit into the current situation as things run in themes for me.
We are scheduled to go on family vacation this coming week and will be staying in our trailer which of course is much smaller than my house - will that elephant be coming with us? I dont want to be uncomfortable but I am not sure I know how to get around this enormous obstacle.
Any ES&H would be appreciated.
Karen
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Nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care. Love you all!
Karen
I also have been thru the same situation as you.....was seperated a few months from hubby as I could no longer live with active addiction.....
You and he will have to put much work into your recovery........and letting go of the past is not an easy task but dear friend it is doable......I still struggle with the things he has done from time to time....the thing is if we don't leave the past where it belongs behind us then we drag all that awful stuff right into the future......
There are still days that I wonder about things......as I am finding out I just have to let it go and let God....I love my husband as I am sure you do or he would not be there......the thing for me is......living one day at a time.....and letting the past stay there behind me......
Karen, the only experience I have with this is with a lady friend of mine. My husband and I never had this type thing.
Anyway my friend and I are friends again. We have not discussed what happened. As time is going on, and we are doing more together, the closer I feel to her again and soon I will bring it up.
I will say,"L. I am very sad for any pain I caused you." It was something very innocent,actually done FOR her but probably was not a good decision.
I wonder if the way you feel, do you feel you walk on eggshells with your A? Maybe when you guys get away, you can go to a public place and talk about it. Maybe say, I feel like I need to bring up whatever it was. See his reaction. If he is into it or not, stick to the "I feel" thing not saying you did this or that.
I don't believe things like that go away. I now am remembering I was like that with A in the beginning. I guess after all these years and being able to care for myself, I am not threatened by asking him stuff.
When I saw him yesterday, I brought up everything.
All I know Karen is, I need to take care of me, his reaction does not matter. When we stay focused on how we feel, we are not putting others on the defensive.
I am putting myself in your husbands place. Hard since I am not A....so probably won't work. Wish I could ask my A.
Well I guess I would do what I said, Or maybe say, I feel I need to talk about " " do you feel like talking or listening to me now? Or when could we?"
If things stay like they are now, someones going to blow. I can guarentee it.
When my A was being a turkey. Later I would say, geez doorknobs flying over the fence? What was that all about?
Or geez did you not feel well when " " or what?
All I know is I cannot live like that. But I ask myself how I would want someone to bring it up and do that.
Like with my mil. I know she hates me. I used to cry. geez talk about an elephant. Now I will say, well S, I know you hate me, but I have loved you over thirty years and am still here. And I bring her flowers or whatever.
When I feel better, I am going to take flowers and stuff to her room to make it more homey. She may hate it, but I don't care.
Anyhoo also, if you are going with family, why don't cha take some very comfy mattress or something and bring a tent for you and hubby....I know I know I am such a romantic.
I miss that stuff so much....hope you get some help here. Hey I want to hear about your trip too.
love,debilyn who has a huge animal in her house too, her name is Fannie Alice and she has a big snouter too
I don't know if this relates or not... but here is my elephant in the LR experience. My AW is still active (very active) and doesn't admit to anyone she has a problem. She even asked the kids (???), "do you thing mommy needs to go to rehab"? Of course they were shocked and said no, so that was good enough for her. <sigh>
She goes back and forth on being easy to get along with and very hard to deal with. Vacations are a coin toss, but the last few... I have let her feel or think whatever she likes. I make plans for during the vacation that will work out for everyone else going and if she wants to play... fine. If she wants to have a tantrium over something... well you just do that, we will do something else.
I hope your vacation goes over well, you deserve it!
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I think that they say detach with love. It doesn't necessarily mean that you forget/forgive but that you put some distance between you and the situation.
I just had a light bulb moment reading your post. My AHsober and I have been separated for a year (his choice). We have gotten together many times for our sons and car situations. What I have done is bring the elephant with me hoping that he will see it and want to talk about it. Of course, it just makes him mad (partly because he is very guilty about leaving our relationship). We are getting together tomorrow for a long drive to get the car. Leaving the elephant behind for the sake of having a pleasant trip won't hurt the issues at hand. They will still be there to be addressed at the appropriate time.
Well, there's a good reason why there's an "elephant in your room"--because there is! It would be wise to sit down with your husband and iron out specifically what led up to his leaving, what incited his return, and what daily expectations need to be met for him to stay. OF course, it would be good to understand each roles that each of you played. And remember, always, the children.
And, as for letting go of the past, JFK once said "Forgive your enemies, but remember their names." Obviously there was enough that went down for you to say No. I'm done. Name those times. Claim *your* role. One does not need to "forget" the past to "forgive" the pst. And don't ever feel as if "forgiveness" means anything less than, in the words of Merriam-Webster, "surrender the resentment." ***You do not minimize the action, dismiss it, or negate it; you let go of the feelings associated it.****
In situations where I'm unsure about what action I should take, I've found it helpful to check out my motives and whether I am carrying any expectations. When my head is clear about what I need to do for myself, then I can usually take an action and let go of the possible outcomes. But if I have some expecation about what the result should be, then usually I am trying to control.
And sometimes I just can't get clear on my motives, I just feel confused. It helps me, at times like that, to remember the page in CTC that speaks about not taking bread out of the oven before it is done, just because I want to eat it. Sometimes confusion means that I am not ready yet, and need to be patient until I am clear on what I need.
Finally, I'm learning that my first objective in a possibly stressful situation is to keep my focus on myself and maintain good self-care. I'm just better able to deal with whatever comes up when I can do that.
