The material presented
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My "A" is constantly battling just like everyone else! I hate it when he looks at me and says "That's it!" - "No more!" Because I know that means he'll be drunk by the tie he comes home form work! The worst part is trating me like I'm stupid. I can't help that I'm mad when he comes home. I smell it as soon as he walks in the door or I can see it in his eyes. He'll look at me and say "What? I haven't done anything!" I'll say you must be kidding and then he gets mad and thus begins a huge argument (or silent treatment by both of us). I started a job working from home at the beginning of July. Today, I finished my shift on the phone/computer about 20 minutes ago. I work in the bedroom but saw him come home out the window. I was excited to see him and went into the living room to say hi before getting dinner started. I opened the door and found him passed out on the couch and I could smell the alcohol! I just closed the door and came back to you guys! My older son will be home from cross country practice in about 1 hour. I hope he is awake by then but I'm just going to stay in here! I'm tired of seeing it, smelling it, and most of all feeling it!!
Sorry you have to hear that stuff and No, I don't think they really think we are stupid. It's like a little kid that says "well maybe I'm doing this but YOU are......." It takes the focus off of them and redirects it at you. By doing that they don't have to take a look at themselves. Try to detach from those words and don't go there with him. Blind him with butt (walk away)
Hang in Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Hi...My name is Phil...Im a recovering alcoholic...without a drink ..one day at a time for almost 22 years..and have been active on the AA board..since it started..
Ive also been a member of Alanon..for quite a while also...
I come to this board and read periodically..but I dont stay long..
What alcoholism does to marriages..relationships...and those around us..saddens me..
And I was on a path of addictive destruction for 28 years...I'm not proud of it..
There were 2 different people inside of me...
The one that wanted nothing more than to be a normal loving human being...and then the one that overrode all that and kept saying...I need more alcohol..NOW!!
That second person with the addiction....had no choices...and along with the addiction were all the isms that go with it...anger...mind games..blame...where to get the next drink..and all the con games..and the self centered to the core stuff that went with it..
However....even tho I was insane...I have to be held responsible for my actions...whatever they are..
I paid a big price..and those that I came in contact with paid a bigger price..
I see so much on the board...referring to...If they loved me they would do something about their drinking..
I just wanted to add..that they do love you..and inside want to be that good person..that you likely once knew..
But there is no choice...That addiction is so powerful..it overrides love..it overides logic..and it overides sanity..
I had to loose everyone and everything in my life...and had a gun in my mouth..because of guilt and remorse..when I surrendered..
And Even then...the compulsion to drink was overwhelming..
And I did want to die...
Im not here to give advice to anyone...but most alcoholics will not give up until theyve hit a bottom...
The addiction wont let them make a choice..until that happens..
And to try to change that addiction...by reacting and blaming..and jumping up and down, and screaming..with threats..is NOT going to change it..
Im sorry for your pain...I truly am...Each and every one of you...We did not ask to have this disease...The good person inside of us..just wanted to love you...but alcoholism..took all the good stuff...and turned us into someone we never wanted to be...
This Alanon program has helped me to deal with others...in sobriety..It is a great program...and it works if you work it..
And you are great people...youve had to put up with and go through a lot of hell..because of this disease...
I care...
With love...Phil
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Giving to others, from the heart..is what its all about..
Oh dear lady, I can so relate to your post...sometimes we just get sick and tired of the whole mess in which we live.....
I think you did the right thing by ignoring it and just staying busy with work or in the chat room....I don't think they think we are stupid, they just don't really give a damn when in active addiction......it is all about them and the high.....and not much else...selfishness is the best word I can think of to describe an active A......
I hope you can find some peace and detach yourself from the addiction....there is a lovly world outside of addiction....my prayer for you is to find it...I know all about the silent treatment....heck me and hubby would not talk for days at a time and that becomes so cold after awhile........try the best you can to just let it go and pray that god will take over......
I'm so sorry you are in the midst of this disease! I can remember the frustration when my husband would come home and I would know something was different about him, but not sure what it was ~ LOL if you want to. I would go through the questions...do you drink? have you been drinking? have you taken drugs? you sound different, are you sure you haven't been doing/taking anything? your eyes look funny, you sound funny, you smell funny, on and on and on until I would just think it was ME that was the problem...that I was paranoid. Of course he would deny having done anything wrong. He would even say that he was sorry that I was paranoid, that he was sorry I was thinking he was acting weird. He would always, ALWAYS place the focus on me and off of HIM. That was his strategy, to take it off of him. He even told me that later when he was in recovery. Dirty stinker!!
I want to thank you, Phil, for your valuable insight into the A's mind. I heard many say the same things at open AA meetings. It opened my eyes to the fact that A's don't really want to be that way.
It can't be. A's will never ever be able to stay sober for us, or anyone but themselves. Some of them try, out of fear of losing stuff, but that isn't a good enough reason because they still don't really want it for themselves.
My A was doomed (and so was I) until I got him out of my life.
He is sober now, for himself, and still out of my life.
Thank you , Phil! I am grateful to everyone on this board for thier support. I'm not sure what I am doing most days when my A is in that dark place.
Your response made me sit here and cry and cry! I also am so sorry for what I have lost. I know that there is a beautiful man inside my husband. I see him many days. But when he comes home after drinking, I feel like he has been hijacked by this evil force field! I know he loves me and our family and I wish that he didn't have to fight this battle. His mother was an alcoholic when he was growing up and he has many painful memories of it! It seems so unfair that now those painful memories will pass to our kids and to me. I want my husband back fulltime and I don't know if that is ever going to happen. He constantly tells me that I don;t know what it's like and I know he is right! I can't imagine what he must feel. But I don't think he knows what I feel either.
