The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well, I slipped big time. I was feeling so sure of myself and calm and everything seemed to be okay. AH called around 9:30, said he would be home soon. I have learned not to expect much, so I didn't really. I fell asleep. I wake up and look outside, worried because he is not in bed. He is parked in our driveway, partying with the neighbors again. I started fretting and getting pissed again, pissed at the disease, at him, at everything. Why can't he stop? Why is he making a fool of himself again over next door? Well he finally comes in stumbling like an idiot, and I just lost it. I saw him there with that stupid incoherent look on his face and before I could pause and think or calm down I just PUSHED him as hard as I could. He fell into the bathtub, too dazed to get up or do anything. I regretted it the minute I did it, but I was SOOO mad. Nobody in my life has made me as mad as I have become lately. Then I threw his half-empty beer can at him. I just raged and told him he was the worst, that he can't do anything, that he can't take care of me, or the bills, or anything. I said he was hanging out with the unemployed loser neighbors and they could all be stupid losers together.
I calmed down a little and sat in the living room. I heard the neighbors - mad and talking about me. I'm sure they heard what I said. I am just so sick of this, and I'm really sick of myself for losing it. I am going on a trip to Wyoming tomorrow, so I will get a break from all of this.
Thanks for listening, guys. This is a really hard thing to do. I am mad at myself, mad at the neighbors, mad at AH, mad at the disease. I know it isn't him, it is the disease, but I am so sick of everyone around me having a substance abuse problem and thinking about themselves.
I will pray and meditate and help someone else today. I will try to do God's will, and make a promise to myself that next time, I will "pause when agitated". I HAVE to do this.
Easy does it there lady. I understand the anger, frustration and all that chaos that goes with Aism. Some days you just want to tear your hair out. Why is it we have to do all the ? We all slip in our program. I can't tell you how many times I've slipped! Thank goodness I have alot of padding down below! I think it's HP reminding us that we're human instead of super-human.
Enjoy your trip to Wyoming. Get some well-deserved . Take good care of yourself.
Love and blessings to you. Happy trails.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Try not to be too hard on yourself, as you ARE human, and the fact is that living around active alcoholism is too much for most of us to handle on our own.... The fact that you are posting here, recognizing what you want to change/improve about yourself, is a testament to the fact that you are growing and learning, and ARE getting better in your recovery. Sometimes, the frustrations of 'unmet expectations' get to be too much for any of us....
No, last night was not a "shining light" in terms of your recovery, but we take it, learn from it, and move on. Glad you shared, and take care of you.
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Thank goodness you are leaving. You need a break. You aren't alone in "losing it" either. I once knocked my husband off a dining room chair, he hit the floor (bloodied his nose) and then I poured his vodka on him. Yikes!!
He had "promised" not to drink (and was trashed at 10 a.m. on Christmas day). He had told me he was going to help me with dinner and get ready for the family to come over. Normally he at least waited till afternoon so I was really ticked. I knew that drinking that early meant he would be passed out through Christmas dinner and opening gifts when the family came.
Anyway, for years he didn't let me forget that I hit him (he has never touched me). We'd get in an argument and he'd say "Are you going to hit me again"? grrrr I was tempted many times to say "yes" and let him have it..lol
All in all, it served no purpose but to keep coming back to me with his teasing.
Luckily, I learned to just leave or walk away via Alanon. Enjoy your time away.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Thank you all so much for your support. It really means a lot. I will keep trying to detach and to work on this. Christy, thanks for your posting about hitting your husband. I was feeling abusive on top of crazy!!! Thank goodness he was so out of it he just fell like a limp noodle. It is so sad, really. He has never touched me either. I have no right to touch him, no matter how mad he makes me.
Heidi.. It's one of those "learn from our mistakes" things. We did it, it was wrong, now let it go.
I'm sure had either of us stopped and counted to 10 or said the serenity prayer it wouldn't have happened. That knee jerk reaction takes over every once in a while and possesses us.. It didn't feel as good as I thought it would anyway. *wink* I felt really bad, but for years I didn't say I was sorry. My hard headedness could only say "you had it coming". Sheesh! I bet my A appreciates Alanon too.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Heidi you are not the only one that has ever lost control.
When my Ason was in high school he had been going through the motions of singing solo's at church, giving short inspirational talks the whole nine yards. Doing everything he could to cover up what was really going on in his life. He had been out one evening with a group from the local bible college. You would think that I could have gone to bed and relaxed knowing he was in good company. YEA RIGHT!
They came to the door a little after 10 pm, and literally poured him through the front door. He was so drunk it was pathetic. Amazingly nobody knew where he got the booze or who bought it for him. I absolutely went ballistic! I put him in the bathtub, filled it with cold water and made him sit there while I made him a cup of coffee. I took a cup, filled it about half way full with instant coffee, added just enough water so that he couldn't chew it and made him drink the coffee all the time while I was pouring cold water down his back and over his head and screaming at him "How does that feel preacher boy?"
To this day I cannot believe that I lost control that badly. All it accomplished was my letting go of a mountain of anger. He was so drunk he had no clue what was going on. I so wish I had went to Alanon then instead of waiting until he was 36 years old and still driving me out of my mind.
I asked DH why he didn't stop me and he looks at me like I'm nuts and said there was no way he was getting in front of me right then, it just wasn't a safe place to be. LOL
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
I didn't touch my AH but I have had some rages,throwing things,turning over plants and furniture,screaming like a crazy person.I know the feelings of guilt that try to bring you down after that.It feels awful.
I didn't like myself for the rages and I didn't want to be like that so now I go to my room and come here,or I leave.Or do something rather than let myself get pulled into that anger again.It helps that I am finding things I like to do and I am able to enjoy my life whether he does or not.In my case the rages came from living my life to please everyone else and doing absolutely nothing for me.I've made changes in that area,now I am not so angry.I can let the A's do as they wish and I try to stay detached from it.Not perfect,but working at it.
Remember to take care of you.I know you hear that alot but it is so vitally important to recovery.I have to be reminded because I can so easily slip back into caretaking and mothering and letting my own needs go again.
You're doing great,don't beat yourself up.We are only human.
Why is it we have to do all the 
? We all slip in our program. I can't tell you how many times I've slipped! Thank goodness I have alot of padding down below! 
I think it's HP reminding us that we're human instead of super-human. 
Get some well-deserved 
. Take good care of yourself. 
