The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello All, first of all I want to say that finding MIP, is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. All of the post, have brought to light, so many things that I have been sweeping under the rug for so long now.
Yesterday, my A, who for once was not drinking, so I took this opportunity, to try to talk to him, since I have learned that talking to him when he is drinking, is useless. As I started talking, it seemed like everything inside me decided to come out. Needless to say he was very angry. I got the speech that I was not worth anything, it is all my fault, ect. He got so angry, he raised his hand to hit me, but I told him when he did, I was calling the police. Amazing how he could suddenly control it when he thought there would be consequences.
We were getting nowhere fast, so I told him that I thought it would be better for the children and I, if he left. He said he was going to go find him a place to live, I will believe it when I see it.
Nevertheless, for the first time, I felt a sense of strength and courage.
The sad part is, the person I married, came back, he started being nice, loveing, gentle, and tried to do things for me. I don't know if this is good or bad, but my heart told me to look the other way, and to not get sucked back in.
I don't know if he is really going to leave, but I need him to. I really don't think that standing my ground is enough to make him want to change.
I would like to thank everyone here, for the insight, and kind words. With the help of all of you, I have started to come out of my shell. Not an easy task, but yet I am learning that I can do this. One day at a time. Thanks for listening Jade.
I'm so glad you found this site! It is a wonderful site, and I've been helped tremendously with all the insight from everyone here.
I found out, with the help of Alanon, that I DO have a voice, and that I MATTER. I wasn't abused physically or verbally by my A husband, but I was emotionally and mentally by all the lies, deceit, and cheating that he did. I found this site a little over a year ago, and it has been such a blessing to me.
I hope you will keep coming back here to get more experience, strength and hope. You are definitely worth it!
Jade, I am glad you found us and that you are gaining the courage to perhaps set some boundaries. The fact that he raised his hand to hit you really worries me. Now that you have told him you will call the police, you HAVE set one boundary. If the need arises, you must do it. You don't want to be hurling aroound empty threats. Once you become empowered, you gain your self confidence.
Best wishes, Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Good for you!!! Now you can see the results of standing up for yourself. Hold on to it. As Diva said, now that you have set that boundary you MUST follow through with a call to police and press charges if he gets out of control. It sure beats getting hit . I'm really proud of you and so happy you found the courage to change. You just may have earned a bit of respect from him by doing so.
You're smart for not being sucked in to the "niceness". Alcoholics are pros at manipulation tactics. There is a small chance he saw the light ...just continue to hold your ground. You can do that and be kind at the same time :) That is our goal, to find serenity in the midst of chaos.
Take care Christy
p.s. You sure did take a step!!
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
That's the way to be. Recovery to me, means taking back my life. Realizing that I do deserve to be loved and treated respectfully. By setting boundaries and sticking with them, you become empowered and stronger. You have to do what is best for you and the children. It's heartbreaking to see what this disease can do to the people we love. But we can't die for their disease. Remember just because you are asking him to leave, doesn't mean you don't love him. It means that you are making choices that are in the best interest of you and your children.
Love and blessings to you and your family. Glad you're here with us.
Live strong,
Karilynn
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
In my opinion, you took a HUGE step last night, in that you stood up for yourself, and what YOU need. I congratulate you on your courage, and the pattern that is evolving is one that is eerily familiar.
In my experience, most A's, while they are active, are searching for the "minimum they can do" to keep their life together as they know it, while still being able to feed their addiction..... So him being nice and loving right now is quite often just that - conditional love.
I simply encourage you to stay the course.... get yourself strong and stronger in your knowledge and recovery.... Judge him by his actions, and not his words.... he may be serious about recovery this time, and enter into a recovery program that will help you believe that he is...... or he may be trying to do whatever he can to keep drinking, by giving you morsels of what you need/asked for.... time will tell, and it usually isn't a totally black or white answer.
Take care of you..... and give yourself a well deserved pat on the back for yesterday!!
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I am so glad that you stood up for yourself. Doesn't it feel good? I still am working on this. It is very hard to set boundaries, I have heard here though that you need to stick to them when you set them. So far I haven't done that very well.
Keep on learning and growing. You will be such a happier person, and your kids, also. My prayers are with you... be strong and take care of yourself....
That is a great step in setting boundaries, taking care of you, expressing your feelings - talking to your A when he is not under the influence!!
It seems very scary that he raised his hand to hit you - I hope that you have an exit plan, a Plan B, if he tries this again - so that you and your children will be safe - Please take care of you and those wonderful children.
Thanks so much for sharing your recovery with us,
Rita
__________________
No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I'd say you took a step! You let him know that you will not tolerate physical abuse,that is a huge step.I like how you said you felt courage and strength.Feels good doesn't it?We who live with this disease don't often get to feel much strength but Alanon shows us we can.
Probably 'everything inside' you coming out was too much for him to handle.I am not blaming you,I have done the same.My AH has been sober 16 years and still there are times he just cannot handle MY feelings.I think they have so much guilt from the disease and the last thing they want to hear is that they are making our lives miserable.I try now to work through things on my own without getting him involved.I talk to a friend or post here.Reading and meetings helps as well, as do the steps.It's not what I thought marriage would be,I believe a husband and wife should be able to discuss eachother's feelings and issues and work through things together but with alcoholism it's different,sadly.
Keep coming and working the program.You're doing great.
Hello blue , u set a very big boundary last nite with a very clear concequence and he obviously heard you. and now the hard part stick to it !!! Seems to me that once we make a decission something changes in us and the alcoh olic knows it intuitivley he knows that what used to work for him . dosen't .
I hope u are attending f2f meetings for yourself u need support from people who understand exactly where u are and can help u walk thru it. This board is great but nothing compares to f2f recovery. Just my opinion. good luck Enjoy the attention and change in attitude but don't let your guard down , start to trust your instints again and take care of you . The alcoholic in your life needs you alot more than u need him and a part of him knows that. Unfortuantley we don't realize it. You will be ok with or with out him , keep the focus on yourself and your childrens needs , and u will be just fine. Louise
Thanks so much everyone, for the pat on the back. I really needed that. And for the kind, loveing and helpful words of wisdom.
I have to say, that at the time it felt good to let it all out, but now I am feeling kinda uncertian. I am confidedent, that I will be ok with or without him, to be honest, I don't know where these feelings are coming from.
I understand, now that I have set a boundry, that I have to stick to it. This is going to be a hard one, but I am going to give it all I have.
What has really amazed me about all this, is that through all the threats he made yesterday, they did not even phase me, usually when he does that I clam up, but I just couldn't stop. Some of the things he said, I started to let bother me, but my subconcious told me that it was his disease talking, I know I am not all of those things and my HP knows and that is all the matters.
In my heart, I have no faith whatsoever, that he will change. So I am going with my instints and sticking to my guns.
In the last couple of weeks, my mind has done a complete flip. I know now that I do not deserve to be abused anymore, physically or mentally or otherwise. I don't have to tolerate his actions. Just because he choses to kill himself, does not mean I have to go down with him. Just because I love him , it dosen't give him the right to manipulate, downgrade and abuse me.
So from the bottom of my heart, I want to thank you all. I feel like I have a whole new family.
yours in recovery, I didn't think I would ever get to say that. Jade
Recovery to me, means taking back my life. Realizing that I do deserve to be loved and treated respectfully. By setting boundaries and sticking with them, you become empowered and stronger. You have to do what is best for you and the children. It's heartbreaking to see what this disease can do to the people we love. But we can't die for their disease. Remember just because you are asking him to leave, doesn't mean you don't love him. It means that you are making choices that are in the best interest of you and your children. 
Glad you're here with us.
Jade, I am so Proud for You. 