The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
On the weekend the A crashed my truck again. The whole side is all dented. He has no remorse nothing. He is like a psychopath. All he can say is "Me Me Me Me and some more me's".
I know I can no longer live this life of his crazy chaos, lies and psychoapathism.
I have been working on plan B for quite a while now. Now I have to rev it up and take concerted actions. I need to set goals and move.
I do know my hp is in my life. Yesterday I met a man who does body work. I will work on that relationship and see what happens with it. He has said he is willing to help me. I will pray about it and see what I can do.
My rage over the past few days has been incredible. I am also incredibly sad that I live with a reckless, lying sociopath. Needless to say his intake of drugs whatever has been incredible for the past few weeks. I do believe he has some kind of anniversary reaction every year at this time. He has some kind of calamity happen every year. I comfort myself with the knowledge that this is the last anniversary reaction I have to deal with. I am not sticking around for another. He can have the anniversary reaction on his own.
What hurts me is that I think things like...I heard of an accident by a woman (admittedly she is 82) who died suddenly in a traffice accident. I thought why can't it be the A. All he does is bring me pain and grief and agony why does he get to stay here on this planet and she has to go. The woman, a former supervisor, devoted her life to good causes, the A devotes his life to himself and he has no concern for any other human being. If he had some concern he would drive with some respect, not run red lights, not speed, not crash into everything all the time.
I don't like to be wishing him dead. I don't like to be as enraged. I don't like to be as exhausted. I also don't like to be knowing without a shadow of a doubt that if I stay that I am in for more of the same till there is nothing left of me.
So sorry to hear about your truck. I hope you are still able to get around. I have read so many of your posts, maresie, I am amazed at your strength and intelligence. Living with an alcoholic has caused me a life long problem of hating myself for negative feelings. I was a hero and a caretaker to push those "bad" feelings down and try to set my family right. I have only recently been able to move out of those roles. With friends and coworkers I was a clown to stay hidden. I also kept trying to amuse my mother to alleviate her stress. I think it worked somewhat, but I value that mostly she was humorless because it made me be serious with her most of the time and probably gave me a basis for taking myself seriously.
It was very frightening but also satisfying to me earlier in my life (and I am talking in my 20's and 30's) to wish both my mentally ill mother and drunk father dead. Well, my father died 3 years ago. I think I have grown some but it hurt in many other ways--probably why I have grown.
My mother's life is different since my father died, but I would not say better. I really think it was validating to her to be married to my father. This surprises me because she in no way ever "pushed" marriage as a good thing to her 6 children. My mother will be 80 soon. Her life has been long and sad struggling with her own mental illness and my father's alcoholism. She had a lot of dignity and strength, but I think the flip side was she was stubborn and couldn't or wouldn't make changes. She has never believed my father was an alcoholic because he worked and didn't have to drink everyday. Since his lung cancer took him before his drinking could kill him, she can continue to believe he was not an alcoholic. I feel good that I feel no need to set her straight. It used to infuriate me. Now I wish her peace.
My father repeatedly risked his job and his life with drunk driving. When he died, neither his wife or any of his children had something positive to tell the priest who did the eulogy.
When I was a young child, I was so afraid Dad would get killed in an accident. Around the time I was 12 years old, this fear became that he would kill someone else and disgrace himself and our family. I don't think I could give further thought or feeling to him being killed. Not a good progression, but predictable I would think.
Maresie, guess what I am trying to say is I think is don't go under, you are too good and strong.
Thank you for your validation Athena. I did not have contact with my family of origin for many many many years after I did a geographic. My mother and father's death loomed very very large for me. There was an incredible hope in me that they would see what they did. They did not. My mother lived, ate and breathed denial.
My father also lived ate and breathed denial. Both my sisters live and eat and breathe denial. I had a lot of hope that they would start recovery after my mother and father died. In fact they went further into denial.
I don't think it is a stretch to say I hooked up with my father. There are many many similarities between my boyfriend (although he says we are just roommates now - for once I think whatever - I am beyond being hurt) and my father. I did not see them for years. Now I do.
If my A does not have transportation, it is not my fault. If my A gets drunk and kills someone while operating my vehicle, it is partially my fault... at least that is what the insurance company, the deceased's family, and my conscience will say. Do not want to be caught in that situation today. Wouldn't be taking care of me, if I were to let that happen.
Hi Maresie (()) for what you are dealing with at the moment. Sounds like your inner strength is still there and you are looking at the outcomes that are best for you and not your A. Had a bit of a laugh when you said you are working on the relationship with the body work man is it so he can work on you or the truck? Keep your chin up, you have a big heart and good things will eventually come your way. Luv Leo xx
Sorry to hear about your situation. My A(son) doesn't drive my car or truck. He has 2(at least DUI's, and no drivers liscense. But he can't understand why I won't let him use either vehicle.
Dear Leo: I think being overly generous has been the death of me. I rescue and the A runs with it. Getting out of that pattern has been incredibly painful. I think it is as much pain as remembering being abused as a child. The behavior is so compulsive, the pay off was once there. Now it is gone. There is a period of withdrawal. I think it is immensely painful to realise my central relationship is based on compulsive, destructive behavior on my part as well as his part.
Not a good progression, but predictable I would think.