The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
He's draining the life out of me. Constant fault finding and criticism......says he doesn't want to argue! He wants to tell me all my faults at great length...and then for me to apologise...and realise how wrong I am...and then I won't be causing all these arguments!!!!
He just won't leave me alone...I have no energy left...just want to emigrate!
These are wise words from Megan...she shared them with me also, these words made the most important difference in my life out of all of the things I learned in Alanon. It took time but eventually I internalized her words that I did not have to attend every argument I was invited to. Slowly that burning desire to defend myself faded as I realized that it was a losing battle. I had defended myself to the bitter end and still it was falling on deaf ears. Why not save my efforts for more worthwhile pursuits?
It isn't easy to change a habit of many years but I kept working on it. Megan also gave some great suggestions such as taking a bath or shower, or the headphones, and a book to read.
I bought a cheap lock at Kmart and read the directions and put it on my bedroom door. When things got really bad I would lock myself in my room and blast the TV to tune out his angry words. I would pray while my heart pounded. Soon I couldn't hear him anymore and my heart slowed. Then I would sew, read, or do something else relaxing.
I had an ancient walkman left over from my college days. I dragged out my huge sweatjacket with the huge pockets from those days also. I put my walkman in my pocket and got those headphones that fit inside your ears. With my jacket zipped up and my hair in the way, he never noticed them. I would play nice relaxing music in the car and had a peaceful ride with him many times. So, I had a peaceful escape at home and in the car planned and ready at all times. No matter what he said I just kept thinking that I KNEW I was a good person and it didn't matter what he thought.
I even began agreeing with him which took the wind right out of his sails. LOL! He would start out saying something like "you THINK you are such a good and nice person and I am SO in love with you but I am here to tell you you are WRONG". SIGH! I would say "I know you don't like or love me, I have known that for some time and it is OK since other people DO like and love me a lot (Really just my daughter and Mom at first but hey that was enough for me! Since then I have tried to branch out and develop more friendships and not let him isolate me so much.)". And that was IT, I said nothing more. No matter what he said after that I would just say "Yes, yes I know, since I know you don't like me or anything about me, none of what you are saying is a surprise, I have resigned myself to the fact that that is how you feel about me". Notice that I NEVER agreed that I was a rotten person! I was simply acknowledging that my ears worked and that I understood English enough to understand that that was simply HIS (warped) view of me (but I left out the warped part, LOL).
Much to my shock this would shame him into trying to be nicer to me, LOL. After years and years and years of blame , anger, criticism, put-downs, etc. I realized he was just drunk and angry and just plain nuts. When he realized that his outbursts where really affecting how I felt about him, that I was becoming indifferent, then he really felt bad and worked on trying to change.
Soon I got to the point where I left BEFORE things got that heated. The second I would hear a raised voice, an annoyed voice, a DRUNK voice I would shift gears and move away.
It will get better...
Keep reading and listening to others (especially ones like Megan who has managed to find quite a lot of serenity after horrible chaos!) who have found a way out and are lovingly offering a hand up to find our way out too. I did, and it has made a HUGE difference. It will for you too...
I agree with what everyone has been saying - remember you have the power to say "I hate that you feel that way, but I am not comfortable discussing this anymore - I am going to bed" or "I can't discuss this with you when you are this upset" "I'm not comfortable with this conversation" and the most powerful message you can send someone is to simply walk away - even if you have to leave - have you a Plan B - get in your car and leave -
Take care of you, Annmarie, You are special and You deserve to be treated with respect and dignity - take care of You,
Remember, just because he says it - doesn't make it true -
Hope you get the rest you need,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Isabela, Thank you....the burning desire to defend myself...that's it. That's what I've beeen doing and thought I was best to do this. I thought I was setting a boundary or something. I'm confused at the moment, but this makes real sense to me....I'm going to heed your's and megans advice and try different ways of handling the chaos.
Rita,
You have always been kind and very wise. I hold dear you guidance. "I can't discuss this with you when you are this upset" means a lot. I'm going to use this.
I'm tired now, as you quite rightly picked up on. Can't sleep very well when his madness is in force. He's overwhelming at times.
Thank you all for being there and caring, I think this is progress...recovery...trying to be positive AM x
I to have had only 1 hour of sleep and am at work suffering, I know how you feel I too want to defend my self but I find if I do it makes him worse and more nasty towards me, so I just agree with everything he says or he will snap. I got to hear how everything is my fault his entire problem, I almost believed it until I got some great responses from my post. I thing it is hilarious the person that has the walkman on I will try that. God bless.
Remember just because someone says the sky is green doesn't make it green!! If you can't distance yourself from his hurtful speech, then repeat in your mind "The sky is green, The sky is green" - It will help you realize just how silly all of his words are and how untrue those hurtful things he may say can be.
You deserve the ability to have a good night's rest - Hope that you will be able to have that tonight. And hope that you will be able to walk away and set a boundary not accept unacceptable behavior.
Take care of you - You are special & you deserve to be treated with respect.
One Day at a Time,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
