The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This weekened the girls got me out of the house again. They kept calling until I went out with them. At first it frustrated me. But then after I got out I realized that it is just what I needed. I took sometime after going out with them to think about things. I am a people watcher always have been. I love to see to people really enjoying each others company. Makes me wonder a little. I then had another frustrating phone call with my A. That is when it hit me like a ton of bricks. WHY am I doing this. Sure I love him but he still not being honest with me under the influence or not. I am not perfect, I have things on my own inventory I need to change but I know I deserve what is in my heart. I think I have to get to the point where I just have had enough. I got told by him that he had lied to me again about his employment and his progress on his recovery.
Sorry just need to vent a little. I am working my program. I do love it but I think because of the program I see finally what I really want in a relationship. I can't wait for him. I won't wait for him. I am tired of the drama and the antics that are going on with it all. I will probably love him always will but I am starting to wonder is it love? My idea of love is different then what I am feeling inside these days. I just am getting to the point where I am realizing that a lie is a lie weither it is one lie or several and to keep doing it over and over again just keeps hurting who I am trying to become. I entered this program when we were apart and tried to do it with him didn't work. So I will do it by myself. Because I am worth it, I want to get to a place where I can finally have the things I have only dreamed about. I don't know if it will ever happen that is up to my HP but I do know I owe it to myself to aleast try to make things better and if that means doing it with out him then so be it. My son and I are doing great. We just keep taking it One Day At A Time!
Sorry for the vent but it needed to finally be said.
Great post and in the right place. Lots of shoulders and compassionate ears here within the family not to mention a lot of oldtimers with great recovery experiences and suggestions. I remember feeling how you are feeling. I remember the loneliness and frustration and the fear and guilt from the early days. I also remember finally reaching the point that you just shared about and then letting go of the anchor chain that I was holding on to that kept me in a constant state of drowing. I was always beneath the surface of peace of soul and serenity and sooooo frustrated and discontented.
Sure I came to understand that the alcoholic lies, cheats and steals and more and that may be because of the constant state of fear and panic and the need to fortify their denial and not face the reality of their situation. I learned alot about alcoholism and the (my) alcoholic and it was the lessons I learned about me (my inventory) that motivated me to change my life and stop trying to change hers or continue to wait around until she got it.
I loved her dearly and It was killing me. The love wasn't being returned. The love was going completely over to the alcohol and drugs and other drinking and using people, places and things. I came to the courage to tell her, "I am leaving. I am not responsible for your life. I need to go on with mine." Of course she (the alcoholic) didn't want to hear that because my enabling was very important to the disease. She (my wife) didn't want to hear it also because she was loosing more pieces of her life due to her alcoholism. I learned that there really was two people I was married to. One was the alcoholic and the other my wife and I was so confused wanting and expecting my wife and always getting the alcoholic. When my wife was there I continued to react as if I was with my alcoholic and during these times it was me who was making a wreck out of the marriage. This is a cunning powerful and baffling disease and it owned me then. I left and came home to the Al-Anon Family Groups and was able to find and get a life that is beyond how I expected it would be. No it isn't perfect and I have no guarantees. In spite of that I have spiritual balance, happiness, joy and freedom from fear.
What I know about relationships wouldn't fill a tea cup and then its still tons more than before I found out what I know today. I must have a relationship with a Power GREATER than myself first or I have none at all. I must have a loving, kind and caring relationship with myself or I will never know what love, kindness or caring is about when I am giving it away or receiving it from others. I must have a loving, kind and caring relationship with all others around me that at the same time gives them the dignity of being responsible for the consequences of their choices and character assets and defects.
My Higher Power doesn't always want for me what I want for myself. My Higher Power wants me without fear, (humble/teachable) always open to spiritual guidance, always within the spiritual principals of this program and ready to pass on the recovery I have been freely given to others who are in the mess I found myself in when I reached out for help.
Vent like crazy! Throw tantrums and yell and scream and cry and whine...while at the same time going to meetings, working the steps, getting a sponsor, constantly holding on to your HP, and after learning something that is helpful and works...share that with another member of the family out of love, compassion and kindness. If it worked for you, It might work for others. Sometimes it does and sometimes not. Keep coming back and Mahalo (thank you) for your post. It was most supportive.
