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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am very much confused by myself today; hoping you guys could help me decipher my feelings a bit.
This weekend has completely thrown me into a tailspin. My A has been active for at least eight years. In the last two years, I slowly began to notice that I wasn't feeling the sort of love for him that I should have for my husband, A or not. This marriage suffers from the majority of the typical A behaviors and stresses. I have been very ambivalent about trying to save this marriage or throw in the proverbial towel. The last two years, particularly, I have only wanted to be free of him; lack of financial resources being the only thing that kept me here.
Weekends are especially problematic for me, as he is off on weekends, so he drinks, passes out, drinks, passes out and repeats the cycle for a full 48 hours. You know how that goes. I've managed to detach just enough that I no longer expect anything of him, so I am no longer disappointed when he carries through with his unreliability.
Herein lies the problem........for a short while this weekend, he seemed to revert to his pre-A persona. He spent some quality SOBER time with the kids and me, expressing a long-overdue interest in our daily activities, other little things that would appear insignificant to most people. I believe I spent most of that time with my jaw on the ground, uncertain of where this was coming from and untrusting of it, not knowing when the 360 degree turn around would occur. Then, late yesterday afternoon, he totally blew it. He was more intoxicated than I've seen him be in many months. Nauseatingly inebriated. Wakes up this morning, unaware of how quickly and stupidly drunk he got. Anyway, that's not really the point.
What I'm having trouble with today is my feelings towards him. I've become so accustomed to feeling nothing more than apathy and disgust for him, that I actually found myself feeling a tiny amount of benevolence towards him. While that might translate to being a good thing, along with that good will, I was also STILL feeling as if I'd like him out of my life. Is it possible to feel at both ends of the spectrum for the same person? Does that make sense at all? Does that make me a cold human being? I just don't know what any of this means, nor if it's normal.
I think you are not crazy. I think it is normal for us to feel many emotions at once towards the As in our lives. I mean, look at how their lives are, crazy. They go from guilt to using to not-using to feeling bad to not caring. How can we expect to have one normal reaction or emotion towards them???
I am sorry that you had such a good day and then such a bad experience with him. I am feeling the same way with my A. This year has been so hard, I've been let down and my heart broken so many times, I don't think I want to continue this relationship. Maybe if it ended he would take the initiative to get better. All in all, I think the most important thing is for the person to save their own life, to reach out and get help.
It is hard to know what or how to feel in our shoes. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone, and I feel many emotions also. I feel cold towards him a lot of the time, when I used to be so innocent and loving and trusting. I feel bitter and angry. I feel sad. That is when I know I have to do something to make myself happy, like exercise or go to a face to face.
What does it mean?.... that you are human, and have all sorts of emotions. <smiling> I went through a simular situation a little over a year ago now. My AW got sick, it was really just a summer cold, but she has breathing issues and thought she was going to die she felt so bad.
While the doctors were poking around on her and running tests, she quit drinking. It was about a week. Then she got really sick. But.... after a couple of days this sick person all of a sudden started acting like my wife again. Now don't get me wrong, she was very sick, but it was the person behind the illness that I recognized.
That was the point that I new... I mean really new, that this disease had taken her over. I knew because for a few days it turned her loose. Of course, when she got the "all clear" from the doctors she celebrated and hasn't stopped since.
I love my wife, and I always will. I may or may not continue to live with this disease, as my HP hasn't revealed that to me yet. Today, I live with her, we raise our children and have whatever relationship you can really have with someone who has handed their life over to this disease.
I am very sad that my AW is the way she is today, but... she is.
So ... no, you are not crazy and you are not alone. Your feelings are your feelings, it's what makes you ... you! ( feel like I am repeating myself alot today *g*)
Take care of you! You deserve it!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Is there really anything normal when you are deal with a family affected by this disease called alcoholism???
But, yes I have felt all of the realm of emotions toward my AH, I think maybe in 1 day - maybe even 1 hour, because it seemed like he could go from a perfectly normal human being to a incoherent slurred speech idiot within 1 hour or less. We could be sitting at a restuarant having nice meal, wonderful conversation and bam I'd look across the table and notice he had taken some form of RX. That was it - he was gone - The man I loved was no longer there - Instantly there was the man I hated with every fiber of my being. I wanted to scream, hit him, hit the wall, pull my hair out and then after I calmed down - just simply walk away - and just keep walking and never, ever stop walking - walk until I fell off the face of the earth.
Sound familiar?
So to answer your question are you normal - are you feeling what the majority of us all have felt? probably so
So, please keep coming back, as we do, learning to take care of ourselves, so that we can try to be better to ourselves and to our children or grandchildren whatever the case may be,
Keep coming back - Don't stop before the miracle happens in you - You deserve it,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
You seem to be in the right place because there are lots of members who have been where you are at having and not having the feelings you are now having and not having. Now after that simple little piece of fluffiness, try out and answer to this question. Are you hating him or hating the alcoholism (disease)? I learned that was where all the crazy feelings where coming from. I would feel up, down and all around in such an uncontrolled manner it made me feel drunk.
I was helped (in this program by a great sponsor) to learn the difference between when I was in the presence of my wife or in the presence of my alcoholic. I learned I should not cover my wife who was suffering from a life threatening disease with negative reactions, feelings and expectations or judgements. I wouldn't do it (hopefully) if she had cancer, diabietes (?) or alzhiemers.
I came to the understanding that I hated the disease that was tearing all of us up as a family and as individuals and which was sooooo cunning, powerful and baffling.
I also learned much later on that I get to be responsible for my feelings. I was able to take my emotions out of the "reaction" file and put them in the "responsible choices" file where they still reside today. I'm no longer married to an alcoholic. So I don't have the alcoholic to blame anymore for my wild, wierd or wonderful life and choices. I get to own that all by myself. There is still a world full of other people I can try to focus my discontent on however this program has always left me with a nagging sense of keeping my own side of the street clean first before going after others who don't fulfill my expectations.
Get some Al-Anon approved conference literature if you don't have some now. The Al-Anon big book is a great start and is titled, "How Al-Anon Works....". When I got into recovery it was suggested that I get to as many open Al-Anon meetings as I could in 90 days (90/90) and sit and listen. It was alsosuggested that I get a sponsor and work the steps of recovery including getting as much literature that I could get my hands on from the meetings I attended.
I took the suggestions. I am so grateful to my HP and Al-Anon for the consequences.
Keep coming back cause there are some great ears, tender shoulders, and awesome help for those that want it here.
Thank you, every one of you, for your respsonses. You are all so awesome! It's comforting to know that I am not alone and I am not suffering from any abnormal emotions. This roller coaster ride gets very frightening sometimes; better make sure I"m buckled in.
Thank you to each of you for your insight and for sharing your stories. You all inspire me to continue my own recovery which is so very new. As I start detaching, I start feeling guilty..I'm so wishy washy. Coming here has been a tremendous relief for me, even if I only read what everyone is posting. I gain so much knowledge and I am beginning to put it to good use. I do know it's not an overnight transformation and I have a very, very long way to go to get to where some of you are, but I have hope, and that's a large part of the battle, right?
Thank you, once again, for the reassurance. I love you guys.
