The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It has been a while since I have posted anything. Just working my program and staying extremely busy with work and family. Things were sailing along just fine with my A until Friday night. He went out to a bar with some friends to listen to a band and when he came home I went out on the porch to talk to him and caught him lighting up a joint.
I was pretty suprised. He had almost 4 months of being clean and sober. He had gone out with his friends before but never drank or used, so I wasn't expecting this. I really thought this was going to be the end of it. It looked different than the other attempts, it felt different, but alas it is not different. Last night I could've sworn I smelled alcohol on his breathe, he denied it, and there is no way to prove it. His behavior resembled that of old drinking behavior, staying up all night, calling strange numbers at 2:30 in the morning. I'm angry, sad, scared, depressed. All the trust that we have built up in the last few months was destroyed. He told me he flushed the joint down the toilet after I expressed my feelings.
I made it clear to him that the trust was gone and that if he is going to use I can't be with him. So last night he says, "So if I succumb to this disease that I have and relapse, you'll leave and take the kids away forever"? How do I answer a question like that? I'm not sure what I'm going to do right now. I have a plan B but that includes me selling my condo and finding a cheaper place to live. Whatever I do entails him paying some type of child support; which I may or may not get. I would love to believe this is just a slip and it very may well be, but experience tells me to treat it like a full blown relapse. He was not committed to program before and his actions do not show that he's ready for program now. He mocks AA and the people in it, but their still sober. Their still doing the next right thing.
I was proud of myself... I didn't get crazy in front of him. I said what I had to say. I stated my feelings, then I went to bed. The next morning I got up took the kids to the beach. Had a meltdown at some point that afternoon. I was able to write down my feelings and then write him a letter explaining how I feel and letting him know I have not decided what to do yet. He was angry about the letter; because he came home with I'm sorry I love you, thank's for talking with me, but realized that wouldn't work anymore.
There is nothing he can say or do to mend this pain for me, its my job to fix it and take care of myself. His recovery looks nothing like my recovery and I have to painfully accept that. It will take me some time to get everything together and ready to sell, but it looks like that is the path I must choose for my well being and the well being of my children.
I'm glad I have this program and my sponser to help me work this out. This is the first relapse that I haven't run to my family and friends, or gone completely crazy. I'm o.k. I'm just going to continue with my life one day at a time. I feel confident that my HP will help me get through whatever it is I'm supposed to get through. Thanks for being here.
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Isn't it sad that we are always having to fight the disease that they are fighting. It seems like there never is a direct shot to the person that you care about. Sounds like you have a plan and have had some growth in the program. Good for you. Hope it all works out.
Very sorry to hear about him slipping. Unfortunately, the bouncing back and forth seems to be part of it doesn't it? I hear a lot of strenght in your post though, I know you are upset and disapointed, but you know you will be ok no matter what. That is the most important part!
That is what I hold on to. No matter what I will be ok. I hate the path my AW is on, but that won't take her off it. She is where she is and so am I. Every day I do what I can to make things a little bit better if I can. If I can't I know there is tomorrow.
I am proud of you for not loosing your cool, that would have just been one more thing to be upset about. I think you are doing great despite what is going on around you! Stay strong and know we are here for you!
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I admire your strength and courage - thank you for sharing - it is hard to share these painful parts of our lives, but when we keep them a secret, we give them power over us.
Your healthy recovery shows in your post. Take care of you and your children. Try to do something especially nice for you - You deserve it.
Stay in touch to let us know how You are doing,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
at times like this you really wish there was a shot or pill to make it all better...to make the pain go away and the situation melt..so u wudn't have to deal with it.. unfortunetly we dont have that luxury as its called "reality" and we can't escape it.
i think ur doing really well under the circumstances...stay strong...we are all here for u....
((()) Just remember you don't have to make any life changing decisions until you are ready to. You are emotionally raw and need time to let the dust settle. Whatever you choose we are here for you. Wish I could help to repair the hole in your heart but sending love your way. Luv Leo xxx
"So last night he says, "So if I succumb to this disease that I have and relapse, you'll leave and take the kids away forever"? How do I answer a question like that?"
Well, it depends on what you want/need to do, and what is in your best interest, but a simple YES may just suffice! Sorry, not trying to make light of this very sad situation, but I'm afraid this is an example of a using A, trying to turn the tables back onto you and making this about you and your decision, and NOT about him and his addiction.
I'm with the others... no need to make any "final" decisions right now, but it IS the time to dive fully into your program, and take care of your emotional self, as best as you can. As raw as it sounds, the old saying is still true:
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't... what are YOU gonna do?"
Take care of yourself... you are worth it, and this is indeed crisis time.... for YOU.
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
