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Does this sound familar to anyone? It seems to be a pattern that I have seen since my AH started drinking again. So many times I am the one he is mad at the next day. He gives me the cold shoulder because I might have said something about his drinking that offended him. Well, everything about his drinking offends me! I am so sick of feeling this way. He drank, not me. We had such a nice day together yesterday (no alcohol). As soon as we got home, he slammed a beer in less than a minute and was starting on the next one. He started talking about having sex. Why does he act all offended because I said, if you keep drinking that beer, we won't be having any sex tonight? Does that sound terrible? I was just stating my boundaries. Now he is pounting this morning...boo hoo...
From what i hear, we are always the first to blame and the first they get mad at because we are closest to them, and they are disgusted with themselves so they take it out on us, i guess because it's the only way they can try to live with themselves for letting themselves down.
Alcoholics are going to blame, it's just part of the disease. They'll say anything to take the focus off of their own behaviour.
This makes it hard for us to know when we actually ARE in the wrong. We can't use their reactions to our actions as any kind of a gauge, because their reactions are so crazy. Therefore, we must be aware of our actions, and use some alanon tools to keep ourselves on the right track.
One of the most basic is "Mean what you say, say what you mean, don't say it mean". Another is to examine, honestly, our motives for what we say and do. Are we stating boundaries and taking care of ourselves, or are we trying to punish the A for drinking? Are we stating our needs clearly, or are we trying to manipulate others into doing what we want?
If you can look at your actions and words honestly and they pass these tests, then just let the A pout - it's not your problem. If you look at yourself and find that you have been in the wrong, then this is something to watch out for next time, and maybe to apologize for.
Nancy--The holy trinity of an individual alcholic's dysfunction is blaming/shaming/manipulating. This allows them to live in their dysfunction. As soon as the alcholic runs out of scapegoats (and people who are willing to tolerate untolerable behavior) they will be forced to changed. Your husband is blaming you for his behavior because he doesn't want to accept responsibility.
Please come back. Consider setting boundries. Already you are noticing inconsistencies in behavior that are unacceptable. Awareness and dissatisfaction with a situation are the keys to change.
Sounds very familiar .. I think my husband does it because of the guilt he feels for drinking. They know the effect their behavior has on the family and they feel guilty so they just do what they know ..
I agree set boundries but make sure what you are saying are boundries for you not punishment for your husband for drinking..
I have confronted the A on this. When he does something like crash the car for the umpteeth time, I have to pay. What great projection. They do something and make everyone else suffer around them.
