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Boyfriend of 6+ years on yet another bender for 10 days now. On the phone this afternoon he told me he can't try to be sober anymore; that he has to drink and will probably die with a beer in his hand. He said that beer makes him happier than I have made him in a long time.
Wow. Huge statement.
He has been battling with sobriety for a year, always with the help of AA. 66 days was the longest period of time he had maintained. He's at some in-between place where he has admitted that he'll never be able to go back to the active drinker he was, but says sobriety isn't for him.
He's talked about killing himself over the last couple months, including yesterday. I talked to a friend in AA yesterday, wondering about an intervention, and they said if I didn't know for sure where he is right now (I don't) and he's not trying to reach out there's not much they can do for him (which surprises me; they didn't even want his cell phone number).
I know this isn't about me, this rejection. I hesitate to call it rejection because he says that [after 6 years of living together] we can try being a couple and just living apart. I see nothing attractive in this. Feels like a backward move and I'd rather go forward on my own than backward with him.
I also think he's probably using meth [again] this time, too. His temper is quicker than usual and his mood changed frequently during a 30 minute phone conversation today.
I've never lived on my own (I'm 46) and am frightened but I'm not really sure what I'm afraid of. It's going to be hard, but I don't think it could be as hard as living with an active alcoholic/drunk.
I had a hysterectomy less than 3 weeks ago. He managed to handle life not being all about him for a couple days and then had far more important things to attend to. I guess I didn't need him enough. He keeps saying that there was no reason for him to just sit around the house with me - I have 6 incisions and just got the catheter out yesterday - the hysterical part is that he sat here day after day week after week month after month sometimes not even taking a shower for days on end... and that's nearly all that he would've had to do during my recovery time. Doesn't understand that the only reason I started doing things for myself is because he left me alone.
I've tried to figure out whether my expectations were unreasonable... but even he knew what to expect; he'd had me find information regarding the surgery and what recovery would entail. No matter how I look at it, he's in the wrong and I'm nearly spinning my head around trying once again to excuse/explain his actions away.
I've been going to Al-Anon for 7-8 months now, thank God. I've been able to get a handle on my circumstances and am better prepared to comprehend what's going on right now. I'm sure if it wasn't for Al-Anon I'd be somewhere begging him to come home so I can take care of him... start that cycle all over. Sure don't miss that.
I surely know where you are coming from, my husband sounds the same, that alcohol makes him happier than anything else in life, that he never wants to live without it, and that abstinance is unreasoanable. He says a lot more too...sigh...that life is not worth living if he cannot drink.
I just learned to live with it. Lots of people "kill" themselves early in all sorts of ways. Some people eat until their hearts literally burst, some people smoke until they clog up their lungs, and some people drink until they pickle their brains and other organs. No one seems to make too much of a fuss over anything other than the drinking part. So, just like my aunt had to learn to endure her husband's killing himself with cigarettes, I have learned to tolerate my husband's drinking.
I am not saying it is OK with me, it is more like that I layed down boundaries that he must not let alcohol interefere with (like working, paying bills, and shoveling snow, etc.), then get out of his way and let him fulfill his responsibilities and drink if he wants to.
I have been a lot happier since alanon taught me to detach and that someone else's sobriety is none of my business.
Wow, I can't believe you said he chose the beer. Were you at my house last night? The same thing happened to me, so I want you to know you are not alone in this world. I kept saying to myself detach yourself from him (with love). But I felt a lot of hate. Did you try to follow that advice that Al-Anon gives us? I haven't been going to Al-Anon for long, but I have read a lot of messages and a lot of people talk about detaching.
I hope you are recovering from your hysterectomy. It sounds like you are a very strong woman and really could mange life on your own. I am only a year older than you and I know how scary it sounds being alone, but just think, you would just have yourself to take care of. You could keep going to Al-Anon and make yourself stronger without being dragged down by someone.
If I ever leave this marriage over my AH's drinking, I plan on just taking care of myself for a long time. I don't know if I ever want to deal with another man's problems. The only men I have ever had in my life were alcoholics. I want to make sure if there is a next time, that he isn't a drinker and I recognize what I have done in the past by picking men with drinking problems.
Do you have family? Kids? I hate to think of you alone and in pain. Let us know how you are feeling now and if you are okay.
I will be thinking of you and saying a prayer that you are recovering physically and your heart is not hurting too.
Moon- Love the title to your post. That kinda summed up my life earlier this year when my boys and I had to make a decision on whether to stay with my husband or not. Even today, he chooses beer, hasn't changed one stride, but that is his problem, not mine anymore. Only for very brief moments does that filth sneak back into our lives.
I have found living on our own very empowering. I have no one blaiming me daily for things, except the boys ( that there isn't anything to eat) LOL. I am in charge of my destiny. This program and my friends at local meetings has saved my life, just as getting sober saves the alcoholic. It has not been easy, but if you keep putting yourself out there like you did in your post, you will be filled with wonderful responses from my family here, just like I was and still am today when I need it.
You should find that continueing the program and really working it, things should get better. I applaud you for reaching out and sharing with us.
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
I see you trying to make sense of his actions - honey, don't waste your time.
There's some big guilt, fear, self hatred, selfishness thing going on there, and it really has very little to do with you. He knows where help lies, and when he is sick enough, he'll go get it. It's hard, it's heartbreaking, but it's not your fault.
I also got that "you don't need me enough" thing from my husband. My feeling is: he's never there - if I needed him to survive, I'd be in pretty bad shape, wouldn't I?
((((((Thank you so much, all of you, for your support.))))))
I'd been doing what I could to "Tradition 5" him for a long time ("...understand and encourage the alcoholic..."), even before I was acquainted with the steps. He was able to drink anywhere from a 6 pack to 27 beers in a single evening. I wished for a long time that he was a happy drunk, but he would get mean and nasty around #9 and it always got worse from there. It would get to a point, also, where somehow the beer wasn't enough & he'd turn to hard drugs: then he was really mean and nasty.
(-shudder-) Usually verbal abusive would turn physical at the drop of a hat; I've got the punched-in walls, broken doors, and my own scars to show for it. I've never understood why he couldn't clean up his mess - but, then, he usually ran away from home during his really bad drunks so how could he? People used to say to me to leave it there. How? I never knew when he'd come home and I was still living there; I'm supposed to leave broken glass in the middle of the living room/kitchen/bedroom? Please. I'm no longer going to accept the unacceptable. He doesn't keep a job, doesn't try to make up for it by doing things around the house to kinda earn his keep, and it's not okay anymore. I want to move forward in my life - I wanted us to move forward in our life - but our life today is literally no different than it was 6 years ago. He's always said he wanted to grow old with me; I think he just wanted to watch me grow old because of him.
My kids are 21 and 23 & I have a 2 1/2 y.o. grandson. None of them live in this house. Other than my daughter & grandson I have no family here. I have a few good, extremely supportive friends outside of Al-Anon & my Al-Anon family is very good to me. I can see my daughter picked up some of my traits, and it's sad. She can also watch my re-birth and re-creation into something far more attractive and worth emulating. My son was smart enough to join the Navy 3 years ago - he's really building a life for himself and doing exactly what we all say we'll do: not be like whatever parental figure was the worst. My grandson has already seen 'way too much drunkeness and heard far too much nastiness - whether he'll remember it or not - someone has to be the one to say, "no, this has to stop", and that person is me.
I hope Jim gets healthy someday. He has hepC and has been to the hospital once this past year for it. You'd think between his health and the negative consequences (been to prison due to alcohol, more than once) he'd want to get away from that which has caused him so much pain. I love him so much. I want the very best for him regardless of our relationship status.
He was really happy and proud a few weeks ago when he came home and announced that his [most recent] sponsor and he had decided that he was done with Step 1 and ready to move onto Step 2. It's so sad he had to re-prove the truth of Step 1 and that his work hasn't progressed from there. I know he's a great person under all the crap that he's created as an identity for himself and would love to be around during his metamorphosis. But I'm no longer willing to set aside the gift of Life that God has given me in order to handle Jim on a day-to-day basis. I no longer want to be his cushion from hitting his final bottom. I'm so afraid he will drink himself to death, really really scared. I can't save him anymore.
This last time is the lousiest thing anyone on the face of this Earth has ever done to me & I can't excuse it this time. It's embarassing to know someone could possibly be like that to anyone, much less have it be him abandoning me like this. It's like a sad story you don't want to hear and it's unbelievably sad to have it happen to me.
I believe in destiny/fate/karma. If he and I are meant to be together it will be made clearly known to me. Until then, I refuse to accept the unacceptable.
Great work that you've been going to al anon meetings. Keep it up! Only you can make a decision to live on your own. Realizing the enormity of the decision is an awareness that your are on the right path.
Keep in mind that your S.O is talking out of despiration. When he is ready to persue recovery seriously, he will. It is not on you to save him.
I do understand where you are coming from. Seems to me you have accepted the unacceptable for quite some time, not only with his words but his violent actions. You are trying to understand and rationalize a lot of the alcoholic behavior -as they say it is truly a baffling and cunning disease.
I had pleaded with my A to please just *stop for the sake of our family, with no luck. We did end up divorced, there was abuse and it was a matter of safety for my child and me. So yes, I understand the title of your post - he chose the addiction over the family.
As for you AA friend not helping in the manner you wish I am reminded that we cannot control another, although you can control you and your actions to all of this. You wondered if your expectations were unreasonable -I have found that if I expect something from the alcoholic then I am setting myself up for disappointment and I simply can’t be rational with an irrational person (the alcoholic)
Wonderful you are going to meetings, I would suggest you get to as many as possible, work with a good sponsor on the steps. Then you should find why his words have bothered you and most of all put up with the violent behavior. Please know you are worth so much more then that. You deserve to be safe and in a fully loving relationship and that must start within you *first. For a start, to get the gist of what I mean, if you have Courage To Change please read page 109 (a favorite of mine)
I went from relationship to relationship –needless to say, all the wrong ones. Just as jrtjosey, I have been living on my own for sometime now. I never thought I could or even would be happy in doing so, but I am and it is so very liberating! Now when someone enters my life it is a pleasant addition. I too have choices and one is who I want to include in my life. As my mother said, “I should not need anyone to make me happy, another person should compliment my life” I am seeing what she meant.
I thank you for posting moonstorm, it was a good reminder for me in many areas of my recovery.
Great work that you've been going to al anon meetings. Keep it up! Only you can make a decision to live on your own. Realizing the enormity of the decision is an awareness that your are on the right path.