Hello friends.

I had a revelation today about myself.I was having a conversation with my AH.I was talking about how I need to get closer to my HP ( God),and he was talking about his feelings and thoughts in that area as well.At one point he mentioned the online 'friend' and said " she helps me".I felt a knife stick in my heart.It really stung.It HURT.It was getting dark out and we were outside.I turned my head so he couldn't see the tears I was fighting back.

He was still talking and I got up and said I was going in.I went upstairs to my room,shut and locked the door and started to cry.He followed and wanted to know why I was crying.I heard the man I had married, he was back.He said he hated to see me cry.

Anyway I opened the door and we started talking again.It was not the dry drunk,it was the husband I loved.I felt I could be honest so I told him that when he said she helps him it hurt and I wasn't sure why.

I realized at that moment why it hurt.

It hurt because I was supposed to be the one who helped him.I had spent my life trying to help him.She did it in a few months!What I could never do with all my love and care she could do without even trying.

Then I realized that I had been doing that with everyone in my life.I have been trying to be everything to every one.I was going to fix my husband and make him happy.I was going to do everything for my mother,be the perfect loving daughter.I was going to say the right thing to my A sister and she would suddenly see the light and would be so grateful.I was going to be THE perfect friend.My best friend was in a motorcycle accident and I was going to be whatever she needed me to be.I was going to be the best Customer Service Rep at the company I worked for.All my clients would love me.I would make their jobs easier and they would be grateful.

I always said the right thing,and did the right thing.Until it all blew up in my face.Until I started having fits of rage and throwing things and screaming at my husband.No one was helping ME.No one was there for ME.Why did I have to do everything?

Well no one asked me to do all that.What I thought was being a good wife,a good daughter,a good sister,a good friend,was really being very selfish.My husband couldn't take the rages and the controlling and went looking for my replacement.My mother didn't appreciate anything I did,I found out from my sister that my mother was complaining behind my back that I cared more for my friend than her.

My A sister told my mother she was through with me because I didn't even call her when she was sick.I tried to lighten my load at work by breaking a rule,got written up and the client I was trying to help complained to my boss about me.

That was the last straw.I quit the job without giving a notice.I stayed away from my mother for 2 weeks,didn't even call her.Didn't return my A sister's calls.Made sure I had money to live on and told my husband I was quitting the job.

My life had become unmanageble.I was trying to do God's job.I was going to be everyone's higher power.I didn't realize this at the time, I was just angry.After all I had done for THEM,THEY could say these things about ME??

Tonite all this was revealed to me.I see now how I have made myself miserable.It's fine to be a loving daughter,a good friend,good sister,good employee.But not at the expense of my own life! I was so busy doing for everyone else I had NO time for me.Think about that. I had no time for me,Drucilla.Sorry,girl,I have NO time for YOU! I wouldn't do that to anyone else.

I was only off work on the weekends and I spent them running to mom's ( an hour each way) or listening to my A sister vent on me on the phone.I stayed late every night after work.And of course at home I was always trying to be the good wife.To be understanding of the DISEASE he has.He can't help being selfish,it's the DISEASE.He can't help saying cruel things, it's the DISEASE.

Where was Drucilla in all of this? I didn't know who Drucilla was.To me I was the perfect wife,daughter,friend,employee,sister,that no one appreciated.The one who was always dumped on,taken for granted,used.I didn't deserve this!It's their DISEASE!What did I ever do to deserve THIS?

So where does this leave me now? I see the light.I understand self care.I understand that I CAN go shopping just for me.I CAN go to the library and get books to read for ME.I CAN take a day and do NOTHING but sit on my porch and drink my coffee and feed the stray cats and watch the birds taking a bath.I can listen to music I like,BUY music I like.Buy clothes FOR ME.Get my hair done.Sleep IN!!! Watch an old black and white movie and not answer the phone.Turn my cell phone off.There's always 911 if there is an emergency.they can get there faster than I can.

If I do these things for me,make time for them,I will be a happier,calmer,more loving person.Before I was SHOWING love,but I wasn't FEELING love.I was doing all that stuff for everyone with hidden anger and resentment.

I am nobody's higher power.That's HIS job.And he can do it so much better than I can.I have never stayed with Alanon because I never wanted to look at me.Now I see why.There is alot of pain there.I'll work thru the steps and HP will take my defects and my pain.I will make ammends to myself first and then to others.I will figure out who I am and what I like.I will do what I can for people but no longer at my own expense.I see the difference now.I see that I can actually be a better daughter,friend,whatever,by being true to myself.

I won't be a perfect anything.And that's ok.Let him search for the perfect woman for him.Let my mom complain behind my back,my sister get mad.Those are THEIR "issues".The things they say and do speak more about THEM than about ME.I can let it go.Their opinion of me is none of my business.

Sorry this is long.Thanks for reading.       love and hugs    drucilla