The material presented
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hi, i've been absent and not able to read and reply like i was hoping to! 2 busy, overwhelming weeks ... i got sole custody of my daughter last Friday! with the ex getting only supervised visitation. that was a huge relief. then, he just got fired from his job, and i just found out 3 days ago that he's getting evicted from our old apartment. i ran from him back in January, to a safehouse, because of domestic violence. so i'm scrambling to find help getting stuff moved out and into storage.
which brings me to my question ... my A keeps stepping in and doing things for me, if i ask him (with please and thank you's and appreciation) but also when i *don't* ask him. then he shuts down without warning, tells me he's overwhelmed because he has to do so much for me and my daughter. he goes right back to the not-well behavior i'd been asking about here (dry drunk sort of stuff). i beg him NOT to do things for me, to take care of himself. i push myself harder and harder doing things even in the extreme heat, just so he won't jump in and try to do it. (i'm moderately disabled and i have a lot of self-esteem wrapped up in doing things for myself.)
we keep going back and forth on this ... i say, "i can take care of that" when he starts doing something for me. i remind him each time that he said he wants to take care of himself. he said he feels insulted by that. he even called me emotionally abusive today ... citing as a reason one of my calm statements of wanting to do things for myself. this is *crazymaking*!!! i'm damned if i ask him for help, and i'm damned if i don't. i'm damned if i accept his help, and i'm damned if i don't. if i had anyone, ANYone else i could ask for help with moving, i would. but i don't at this time, i haven't made good enough friends yet in my new area.
anyway ... why would an A keep jumping in and rescuing what doesn't need to be rescued, and fixing that which doesn't need to be fixed?? then blame me for it?? he insists he's not codependent, that he's fixed that in himself, and i'm the one that needs to look at myself. cool, i'm all for self-work, but it seems there's a hidden agenda going in inside him, something i'm supposed to say or do, and if i don't say or do it, then i didn't "do my own work." rather than letting me down my own work in my own way, or accepting it when i say "i've taken a look inside me and i know what my motives are. if you don't believe me, it's not my problem." that really sets him off. arrrggghhh!!
This is just my opinion but it's his guilt that makes him want to help and perhaps a genuine way for him to make amends in the only way he can. when he complains about helping u too much ignore it don't take it on . Simply say thank you for your help and let the rest go. There is no way to figure them out so stop trying. it is a waste of your time. And congrats on winning custody of yur daughter. big step . louise
To me it is that same old thing, he is not in a right mind to be figured out.
Mental illness topped with using, no way does it to any good to question why, what matters is it is making you uncomfortable.
You are very brave and a wonderful person to do what you are doing. I commend you big time!
As an A and losing everything, in the A mind is nothing but manipulation to get what they want. If he feels he can help you in some way, then you owe him. so when he is out on the streets ,he can say I did this, and I did that and in his sick mind, he is right.
Simply put, like a wolf, he is marking his territory.
With the abuse, I would get a restraining order asap and keep him away. The more he is around the more comfy he will be. One thing I have learned for sure, when they are insane, they look for their own interests and do not care who they hurt.
Again you are doing great. Glad you came back and checked in. That is why we are here. Keep us updated.
oops i forgot to clarify ... my ex isn't alcoholic, he's just abusive. my current boyfriend is my A, he's the one who's 21 years clean & sober. my A drives me crazy sometimes, but he's definitely not abusive :) although i am finding that 12-stepping helps me with dealing with my ex also, as far as i can give it to my higher power.
With my AHsober, helping is a big hook. Feels guilty if he doesn't and controls me if he does (see how competent I am; incompetent you are). I am working towards independence. I get lots of help from family, friends, and strangers. I have even figured out some things on my own. So I think that this is about boundaries too.
