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Does anyone have any experience with getting behind on bills because of As? I'm sure someone does.
This is the situation. AH is working part-time, odd jobs (he decided he didn't want to print anymore - his career for 25 years or more - and has taken odd jobs here and there). For the most part he has been paying his half of the bills (thank goodness our money is separate!).
But, last month he couldn't make his half of our house payment or his car payment. I ended up paying both because my name is on both and I didn't want them to fall behind. I am now realizing that I cannot do this - he has to be responsible for paying his share of those bills. BUT, I don't want to lose my house.
I still haven't decided if I want to leave or not, really confused about that. Things just aren't getting better with the drinking.
In the meantime, TODAY I want to keep this house until I make my decision. Does anyone have any advice that has been through this situation? He is barely making it on what he makes - I buy all groceries, etc. I can't support both of us but what happens when you begin to lose the house??? Help!!!
You need to look after yourself and if you want to keep the house should you separate then you need to keep paying for it. This needs to be well documented and if you can please see the bank and alert them to the situation. I know it is difficult. This is an area where you need to focus on taking care of yourself. Do not feel guilty about that.
Well I am not in the same situation as you are, we live in an apartment, I am the one that rented it my name was the first one on the lease, I have added him, but that was a year after we moved in. Up until June when he took that fishing job in Alaska, my "A" hasn't worked for a year. I am the one bringing in the income. It isn't easy and sometimes I am scared that my income will stretch to fill my needs. HP has always taken care of me.
So, I know someone out there on this board has some ESH for you. I can offer you hugs :) and prayers. (((((((((((Heidi))))))))))))).
Yours in recovery,
Dolphin123
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
Personally, I feel the house is the most important investment-falling behind and than facing foreclosure is pretty devastating. Missed payments are very difficult to make up. I would redirect my priorities for the future-if cutbacks have to be made-I would make a list and make the house the most important-the first thing I would do is trade down on that vehicle and get out from under that payment. This may take a little manipulation and bartering to convince your A it is the right thing to do.
You sound like you have a good handle on your current situation and are in control of your future. Keep your eye on the target and all good things will fall into place.
I understand your frustration this is a very difficult path. It has taken me almost a year to get myself straightened back out. I had bad spending habits prior to throwing out my A my way of filling a void I was feeling inside. So in part it was my fault but never the less it is a lot of stress and worry. I finally had to leave it all in my HP's hands and that is when things started going better for me. That is when I got the line on the second job, and retaught myself to cut corners on spending where I could. But it has given me time to focus on how I could change the way I was doing things with my spending and get a budget all fixed up. But as to your question You have to put yourself first this has been really hard for me to learn. The way I see it if you don't take care of you who will? You have to be good to you because you are worth it and deserve to be happy! Something to think about: How many things are you depriving yourself of while you take care of them because they are spending there funds on what they want but can't help you with neccessities?
One of the hallmarks of alcholic dysfunction is financial ruin. Most of us have experienced this in some form or another.
I would go to the collecter and honestly tell them the truth. This is what happend, this is what I can pay, this is what I cannot pay. This is what I can do to set the situation right, this is what I cannot do.
Then, *swallows hard, trying to take her own e/s/h* leave the results up to God. In my experience with financial institutions, honest action is the best offense/defense regimen.
It took me along time to make the decision to stay or go..but the one thing i am grateful for that i did do in the decision making time was to pay the things that were important to me. Keep them current. The things that were not so important, his car, his credit line, were left unpaind. I made no new debts in my name. I also tightened up my spending and saved a few bucks here and there. I decided if things got better I would take that money and spend it on us...If they didn't...well I would have it. I hope this helps.
(((((Hersh)))))) Things for right now are OK on the financial front at my place, but I never know when that will change. A year or so ago, I was not sure either about the house payment. My A had been forced to leave due to a restraining order I had filed. I somehow convinced him to pay half while he was not living here. I don't to this day know how I did that.
Anyway, I think you received some great words of encouragement here. I agree the house takes priority over the other bills at this stage. Especially since your name is on them too, and since you need a place to live no matter what, and for today you want to stay.
Even though my A and I are doing pretty OK today, I always feel financial ruin could be waiting just around the corner. But, you know, that is true even if they are not alcoholic. The economy today is so shaky, and it seems almost everyone is a paycheck away from disaster.
If you can, squirrel away a few bucks whenever you are able. Out of the grocery $$$ or whatever. I believe every person should have access to a few bucks of their own. It took me a long time to decide this, but now I put even a dollar or two away whenever I can. I may just need it sooner than I think! My husband and I also have our $$$ separate.
I just want to add, even tho it is very hard. Try and keep the focus off the $$. Don't let it be a deciding factor. We have a HP in this program for a reason. To turn over these matters to, so we can concentrate on us.
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
I had the A quit claim the house to me so he is not on the deed. That way if he gets sued they cannot take my home.
I called the mortgage co. and got a loan modification. Basically they redo the loan to make the payment smaller. I called the loss mitigation dept.
Did the best I could to get his name off of everything. He completely ruined my credit. I cannot get a loan at all and have three houses! My son is buying one from me. One on my propery is a rental, and the one I am in.
When I married him, I had my own home, a new pickup a cool jeep and money in the bank.
Now I am struggling to keep my home,have a 1978 Chevy shortbed pickup that needs a $150 transmission, so I am driving my sons van! It has all these stickers on it like,"I'm stoopid and baked,,,,lol My glasses are falling apart and cannot even afford $99 sears ones. geez. BUT I am serene and hp does take care of me and the critters!
Just this last time was the last time I have to pay his taxes. I have lost my big tax returns since 2000 to his owing taxes.
Do not file married jointly if you owe. I did not know I would have to pay his. I always got a lot back so they took what I would have gotten back since he has not worked.
My taxes were taken from my check from my job. He was a contractor, his own business.
ug. anyhoo take care of you. I also got a legal separation so I was not responsible for any of his bills.
Just wanted to let you know your post hit me close to home. I really feel for your situation. My A dad was also a printer for 25-30 years, working steadily, never missed a day. Now, in the past 6 mo the drinking has gotten really bad and he can't keep a job.
This is really affecting my mom's financial stability as she has been trying to support him and herself and my bro on her salary alone. I don't know what she is going to do. She had said for years (when my ad was working) that she wanted to leave him but did not want to loss the house as she could not keep it on one income alone. Now, a dad's drinking is so bad he can't work and my guess is she will eventually loss the house with him or without him.
I can fully understand how hard it is to give up your home! I think people will put up with just about anything to keep their house. I can empathize with how difficult your situation is.
Sorry it is not more uplifting. I am pretty new and feel funny giving you options or opinions. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone, that this situation affects many people.
Trying not to worry about this is as impossible as anything I can think of. Perhaps give a call to the bank, (and other creditors) and tell them the situation. Nows' not the time to be proud. Tell it like it is; and tell them what you CAN do in the way of making payment. Most of the time they will help you out. Also remember that if you are even making partial payment on debts, you won't be sued. And I think your mortgage co will hang in there with you as well. Brother is a banker, so I know these things. But....once falling behind in payments it is doubly difficult to make them up. For now, just do the best you can. Stand tall and be honest.
I hope all will work out, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
