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Thanks for the enabling responses, i pretty much have learned all that, but just one more question to clairfy it all, so doing things for them while they are 'using' is enabling, but if they are working on their sobriety, then doing things for them is not enabling, right?
And allowing them to come back to live and start again, but letting them clean up their own mess, is or is not enabling? I think i got an answer from a few of you, just want to double check on that, because it's what i'm really confused on. Mainly because everyone tells me i'm stupid for always allowing him to try to pick up the pieces and start over again, but the reason is, is because I truly know that he really doesn't want this for himself, so what else can i do but allow him to continue trying for himself and just keep living?
My AH is now in recovery and living at home. I chose to let him come home because of medical reasons. I do believe that you can enable someone while they are in recovery. He has choices to make, and I have to learn how to step back and let him make them. I may give him feedback, but I have to stop myself when I start to say: "If it were me, I'd do ........" Or tonight someone asked him to go to a 12 Step Intervention. He's still very tired and has a tendency to overdue it. I would have preferred for him to stay home. Not because I want to spend time with him, but because physically he will be wiped out for the next day or 2. But he's an adult and has choices to make. So he went. I am proud of him for choosing to do that. You gotta give it to keep it as they say.
I also am letting him clean up some of the messes he has made when he was active. It's not my responsibility to do that for him. I also believe that you can emotionally enable a person, addict or not. I see this with a member of my family. I believe that you can be loving and supportive of a person's recovery, but you still have to detach with love.
Remember you have your own recovery to do to. Your recovery must be about you, regardless if the addict is active or in recovery.
Live strong,
Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
i think for me the leaving and comming back never occured to me to think of it as enabling. i think enabling means doing for him what he can do for himself. doesn't mean i can't love him, live with him, make my own choices for my serenity. i think your topic is more like losing yourself into what everyone else thinks. or better finding yourself as you step into recovery and trying to figure out how you want to live your life. are you happy? i think that's what really counts. enabling or not you have to be ok for you. i got to the point where it wasn't going to matter if he was sober or not or trying to work a program or not i knew i was ok and i was going to continue to be ok. our relationship changed alot in 12 years. i try not to get caught up in the titles. good luck and lots of love
