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Thanks for the enabling responses, i pretty much have learned all that, but just one more question to clairfy it all, so doing things for them while they are 'using' is enabling, but if they are working on their sobriety, then doing things for them is not enabling, right?
And allowing them to come back to live and start again, but letting them clean up their own mess, is or is not enabling? I think i got an answer from a few of you, just want to double check on that, because it's what i'm really confused on. Mainly because everyone tells me i'm stupid for always allowing him to try to pick up the pieces and start over again, but the reason is, is because I truly know that he really doesn't want this for himself, so what else can i do but allow him to continue trying for himself and just keep living?
Well, like I said, ask several people what enabling is when it comes to fine details and you will get different answers. What most people agree on is that enabling is protecting your addict from the NATURAL CONSEQUENCES of their addiction, like cleaning up for them, being quiet while they sleep it off, lying and making excuses for them, etc.
I can see your dilema about that fine line too, between being a loving relationship partner and enabling. When they are using do you stop being "nice" in general? Do you stop doing all of the normal little things that people who love for each do out of LOVE everyday? Everyone must answer that for themselves.
What I do is simply act "normal" and do nice things for my spouse when I feel up to doing it or see the need. I cook his favorite meals at times when he buys the ingredients, or may iron his clothes for work in the morning while he showers if he is running late due to oversleeping (not from a hangover).
The consequences of has alcoholism are ABNORMAL so don't fall into that range I think. I don't clean up after him when he pees on the floor, or make excuses for him or take over duties that we have negotiated are his. I have had to put up with overflowing garbage, three bags full in the kitchen once when he went on a binge, I refused to take over his job of taking the trash out.
I also don't put myself on some kind of high horse to try and "punish him" by withholding affection when my spouse is drinking. I don't go out of my way to give him the cold shoulder or ignore him. My husband is not interested at all in recovery and has never tried to attain it. He is a drunken alcholic with pride and joy. So, him drinking is everyday life, normal, for us.
As far as taking him back after a slip, I think that is YOUR choice. There will come a time when that gets old even for you and then YOU will feel it is time to move on. Don't let anyone prematurely pressure you to reach that point or you may have regrets weighing you down. I would keep taking him back and letting him try as long as you find it in your heart to do so.
Enabling is enabling whether drunk or sober. Whatever they or anyone else gets themselves into... be it kids, siblings, friends etc. it is theirs to clean up. It is never yours to fix. Never.
And allowing them to come back to live and start again, but letting them clean up their own mess, is or is not enabling?
In my eyes no, this is not enabling as long as HE is picking up his own pcs. and you aren't there pitching in to make it easier for him. Now, if he quit/lost jobs, ran out of money, lost his place to live and you took him in to rescue...that IS enabling.
Just ask yourself, "Did he make this mess"? "Can he fix it himself"? Abbyal said it all: Enabling is doing for someone when they can do it themselves.
Christy
Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
MY OPINION AND ONLY MY OPINION----I DO NOT THINK YOU TWO HAVE ESTABLISHED THE RULES OF THE ROAD BETWEEN EACH OTHER--THE BOUNDARIES SEEM ILL DEFINED
PERSONALLY, IF YOU THINK THERE IS HOPE THAT "BINGE" (THIS IS ANOTHER VARIABLE TERM)DRINKING CAN BE CURBED BEFORE IT GETS WORSE--I WOULD DO SOME SERIOUS READING ON ALCOHOLISM OR MORE IMPORTANTLY ALCOHOL ABUSE AND SEEK OUT A COUNSELOR TYPE PERSON WHO CAN TALK TO BOTH OF YOU (UNCHECKED IT WILL NOT GET BETTER)
IF YOU CAN COMMUNICATE YOUR CONCERNS WITH HIM NOW---MAYBE--MAYBE HIS BRAIN WILL STILL BE RATIONAL ENOUGH TO SEEK AND ACCEPT HELP--IF HE CAN'T DO IT NOW THAN....
THE POSITIVE SIDE OF ABUSIVE DRINKING IS.....THERE IS NO POSITIVE SIDE
IF IT CONTINUES---IT WILL CONTINUE (COULD BE A LIFETIME)
READ THE POSTS--FEEL THE PAIN--LEARN ALL YOU CAN WHILE YOU CAN
I want to add, from AA literature, it says over and over, do not talk to them about "their" disease. We are not their counselors, and it enables them in the way it is less likely they will seek outside help.
They know where they are and what they are doing so much more than we do.
You don't have to tell someone they have cancer or any other disease or tell them what they are doing to themselves or us.
As far as you allowing them back home, this is where you set YOUR boundaries.
I agree with Christy again. If they are actively using, then when we take them back, we are "helping" the disease to be comfortable. Even if they end up under a bridge, they need to. They need to be made to feel sooo miserable by the disease to stop, and do anything to get help.
My boundaries are firm. 90 meetings in 90 days, I will go to open meetings if he wants me to. Read literature, take care of himself physically, get to the VA for help. Stay clean, be honest, be moral. In other words develop a program of recovery.
The consequense of stepping over a boundary is he is to leave. If he doesn't I call the sheriff.
Others do not understand unless they are in alanon. Ask them if their loved one had a brain tumor and acted strange, how they would respond.
I hope we have helped you. I am so so glad you are here. love,debilyn
Doing for them while using is a fine line , dosent mean we don't do anything for them just not pay the bills , make excuses etc . I made up my own one liner when faced with the same dilema u find yourself in . Just for today I am Married and I will act like it.
Which for me meant to do his laundry , cook his meals ( if he chooses to not eat it ) fine. but I was doing what a wife does. Personal boundaries are diff for all of us and no set rule ,only you know what u can live with . What may be totally acceptable to you wouldn't be for me . That is your business only you know.
Talking to other people who do not understand is a waste of time and energy ,tell your friends that for now u have decided to let him come home and ask for thier support you don't need negativity comming at you 24-7 it is not any of thier business. This is your life not thiers.
The best way to stop that for me was to not tell them what was going on and talk to Al=-Anon members who totally understand your situation. Who will point out your options not give advice the final decissionis yours and yours alone. Keep going to meetings use your phone list and talk to people who understand . good luck Louise
