Since January 1, when I became a part of this Alanon community, I have slowly progressed from a mass of nerves, my heart was broken and bleeding.  I wanted to die.  I wanted to hurt myself.  My A and I had been thru so much, including violence in our home, the law was involved.  My A wanted a divorce, and left me for 7 weeks. My A is still angry at me over something HE did.  This is my 5th marriage, we will be married 6 years in Sept., but have known each other for 28 years, and have spent a total of 11 years together.  He is the love of my life.  But he is an A.  And alcohol is the love of his life.  I cannot compete with that.  He does not want to quit.  Has been offered help many times but refused.  And forced to get help by the legal system. Oh, well.  He has his own HP.  My HP is telling me I need to get off my big fat butt. And I'm gonna listen, because HP only has my best interest in mind, and HP love me!

Anyway, during all of this stress, my health has suffered.  I no longer liked myself.  But now I am starting to.  I began a couple of months ago by getting my hair cut in a becoming, easy style.  I have bought a couple of new tshirts that I like, a pair of jeans that fit.  I have started putting on makeup every day.  I take vitamins everyday.  I go to the Dr. when I am sick.  When I am tired, I sleep.  Just little things. 

But, due to my age (52), and my job, where I stand in one place for 9 to 10 hours a day placing  tiny electronic components into circuit boards as fast as I can, and putting in over 2,000 screws a day, and bending 7300 little tabs by hand each day, my body is falling apart. 

I have gained about 20 lbs. since hub and I got back together in 1997, and I didn't like what I weighed then.  It is hard for me to bend over.  My body is sore, and aches all the time, from head to foot.  I am way overweight, I am only a little over 5 ft. tall, and weight 155, I think.  Yech!  I was a skinny, skinny kid and was evern skinny when I was in my 30's.  I hate being fat.  I hate the way my body looks.  I hate all these sags and bags and bulges.

Actually, all of this started when I went to my mom's over July 4, and she commented on my weight.  Then, just recently, my AH, said I looked like I have 2 rows of boobs, counting the love handles around my waist which have turned into love suitcases.  I mean I really hang over the top of my jeans.  It feels like I have a kid's innertube around my waist.  Hub says that is why he doesn't want to make love with me, is because I am fat.  Well, he's a drunk and I still want to make love with him!

I was taking Yoga classes with my daughter (she's getting certified to teach) but I cannot do so much of it.  I have a hard time getting on the floor and getting back up.  Cannot touch my toes. Plus, it doesn't get my heart rate up enough to help me burn calories or lose weight.  I want to get in better shape so I can do Yoga with my daughter. 

So, after much consideration, I am today embarking on a body self improvement plan.  I am watching what I eat, cutting down on sweets (my weakness, my A says I am a sugarholic).  I am even going so far as to go to talk to the people at Curves exercise place.  My friend at work has lost 30 lbs, and looks great.  It is going to cost me about $30 a month, but I had spent in the past, about $75 a month for diet pills.  And as soon as I stopped them, I gained the lbs. back, plus a few "friend fat cells" came along.  Now I weigh even more than before.  I weighted 105 lbs. in my early 20's.  Walked out of the hospital after giving birth to my daughter when I was 22, zipped into my regular jeans, weighing 105.  ARRRRGGG!

I am so excited.  It has been a long, long time since I have thought about myself.  About what I want and how I feel.  My body is telling me, I feel, it's now or never, girl.  I gotta get back in shape before I get much older.

I want to look good, that will help my self esteem.  But, more than that, I want to feel good.  I want to not be so stiff and sore, I want to move.

Also, I have decided to go off my Effexor, I am in my 3rd week of the weaning process.  It will take a month to get off of them.  And I feel mentally OK.

Also, I went to a friends house last night, and she gave me a whole plastic grocery bag of cosmetics!  She had 3 big boxes she had bought from where she works of discontinued (but not outdated) lip sticks, eye pencils, shadows, foundations, powders, lip pencils,  nail polish.  And she let me just pick out what I wanted.  How cool is that?  I don't wear a lot of makeup, but I like to experiment with it, and try different things.  I bet she gave me about $1000 worth of stuff, or more.

So, I am off to take a shower, put on a little of my new makeup, and head off to Curves to talk to them.  And this Curves place is where I have to drive right by it on my way home from work, so it will be easy to get to.  I won't have to go back out once I get home.  And I'm not telling my husband I'm doing it.  He will turn into the Food Police.

Wish me luck......I think I am on my way.  It is so strange once the inside of me started feeling a lot better, I wanted to start on the outside.  Now, I know looks aren't everything.  Beauty is only skin deep.  But there is nothing wrong with feeling and looking good. 

Look out, Nichole Kidman.  One look at me, and Keith Urban is gonna toss you back his wedding ring and run straight into my (toned and sexy) arms!  HAHA  I am gonna be one hot mama, and due to my continuous growth in Alanon, I will be able to cope with Keith, who is a recovering addict, to boot!  I just hope my hubby doesn't get too jealous!

Love in Recovery,

Becky1

(update)  I just got back from visiting the local Curves, and the program will be very affordable for me.  The girl was very nice, not pushy at all.  In fact, I had to hammer her with questions.  The facility is new and very clean, there were ladies in there working out.  They have music playing. I asked about a diet plan, she showed me their book.  As I was leaving I asked if they sold them there. She said yes and I asked how much.  $10.  I said I would take it.  Today???? She asked.  Well, yeah, I want to start ASAP. I liked it that she wasn't pushy at all, I probably would have left.  So, I got the book, made an appointment for Monday when I get off work, for her to train me on the machines.  I got a week free.  If I do sign up for a year membership, I can go to different facilities if I travel or just want to go with my friend who goes in another town.  And I don't have to make the monthly payment until September, so August will be free!  Cool!

Sorry if I'm sounding like an ad for Curves, here, that is not my intent.  I am not the type to just exercise on my own.  I'm not that disciplined, and at home, the A keeps me busy. It has just been so long since I've done anything like this, and I am so excited.  I feel like a teenager!  Woo-hoo!  Wish me luck.  I have a lot of years left to drag this old body around with me, so it might as well look and feel better, huh?