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Okay so a thing i'm confused with on the topic of enabling, here's the scenario:
If you live with a binge drinker, out of the blue they go on a binge. You don't, or haven't said "if you do this again, your out of here!" you just don't really say anything, you try to go by the alanon rules and go about your business and let them figure it out, but when they are sober, they come back and "try again" Is that enabling to? I guess what i'm confused on is by continuing your life with this person, is this total enabling? Are you supposed to just not be with the person because 'it's enabling'?
(they have been trying to follow a recovery program, and truly want to stop the cycle and stop drinking but somehow something in the mind snaps)
You are doing wonderful not mentioning his using at all. That is detaching.
Just love him and leave the rest to him. Living with him is not enabling.
If you made excuses for him, if you took care of him when he got sick from binging, those are some enabling things.
I was reading the big book last night and it was very clear about your questions. Have you ever read it? It is really a cool book.
I never mention the Aism or behavior, I have nothing to do with any of it. If he passed out on the floor I would leave him there. If he got a dui and needed a ride home, he would not get one from me.
If he does not treat me with respect, I don't do anything for him. I am not mean or rude. I just don't do his wash or cook for him or anything.
Enabling to me is doing for them what they should be doing for themselves, paying thier own bills, taking responsibility for thier crappy behavior , and until I stopped lying for him to friends and family , stoped believing the lies , stopped making excuses for his behavior , in other words i simply stepped aside and allowed him to grow up and be responsible for his behavior.
I was so accustomed to doing these things it was difficut to stop but slowly I got it and my life got alot easier as I left his stuff for him and looked after my stuff. It is difficult to watch someone we love go down hill but until we stop enabling nothing will ever change for the alcoholic ,no need for them to change if we continue to do it for them.
It is okay to love an alcoholic , just not at your expence anymore, get your life back on track and allow him the dignity to do it his way. Louise
That is an interesting question, because so many people judge ME for "staying' with my husband. They claim it is enabling.
That is ironic since he pays all of the bills currently since I have been off work for nearly a year now. He does his own laundry and never asks me to cook anything for him. Since he buys the groceries I do cook meals enough for all of us though when it is convenient for me.
I don't "enable" him in any way, as I don't do ANYTHING for him really. He is totally self sufficeint. If I left he would be fine. He controls all of the money and pays all of the bills.
There were times when I was sick or busy and I have not cooked for him in days or weeks. He never says a word, just opens a can of tuna, mixes it with mayo and eats it on crackers or scrambles some eggs.
People think I am "enabling" just because I stay married to him...SIGH...which is NOT enabling.
I never buy alcohol for him, and won't even pick it up for him at the store if I am going anyway. That is MY boundary since I don't drink, I don't want to be associated with that "alcoholic lifestyle" always buying alcohol. I NEVER clean up for him or after him (he even cleans out the tub when he is through without fail), or make excuses for him or cover for him. Yet, I am often accused by alanoners of "enabling" just because I still live with an active alcholic. I am not saying life is all roses and butterflies, obviously it can't be with an alcholic, but I am NOT enabling him to drink merely by staying married to him...
So, I guess it depends on who you talk to. In my mind, enabling is "picking up the slack" or maybe "bailing someone out" to stop them from feeling the consequences of their choices. For instance, once my husband drank so much he did not make it to the bathroom as he was basically paralyzed from his central nervous system being so depressed from such copious amounts of alcohol. I left him a note where he passed out that he needed to clean up his mess and better do a good job as I did not want to live with a slob who pees everywhere and does not clean it up properly (obviously he is a very clean person and I knew this would get to him). I did not clean up a single thing, and just left the "puddle". I then left a note for my daughter on the door for her to use the other bathroom. The next day I woke up and my husband was on his hands and knees with a whole roll of paper towels and disenfectant cleaner crawling through the house cleaning up everywhere where he would have walked and trailed his mess. How did I enable him?
Enabling is such a personal thing anyway. I know one alanoner who I think of as the "Alanon Police" LOL. She is put on some sort of pedestal by so many and sees herself as some sort of alanon role model. She is SO quick to accuse almost anyone of enabling. She is forever calling someone out on it. Well, one day I was sharing an episode where my husband wet his pants and she told me she would never stand for that and to go buy some "Depends" for him and to give it to him with a note that he needs to wear them on weekends (she was serious too, it was not a joke). Now THAT is enabling in my opinion! Why should I be responsible for shopping for his diapers when he chooses to drink so much he wets his pants? So, there ya go. I guess everyone has to decide for themselves where they draw the line on what they see as enabling. What is enabling to one person is merely compassionate family support to another I guess.
Shanda, I can relate to your question. Its hard living under the same roof with your A and trying to sort out the detachment with love. I agree too that enabling is doing for them what they can do for themselves. My A bf lived with me while struggling with sobriety, he finally went away to rehab and has been sober for 4 months. Enabling is second nature for me, but I determined I was enabling if I helped out in any way of his life that was affected by his drinking and drugging, like giving him money for gas or cigs, letting him use my car, picking him up when he was unable to drive, keeping the house quiet so he could sleep off his hangover, holding on to his car keys so he wouldnt go buy drugs after I went to sleep (he asked me to, I refused) But, it was clear I still loved him and I didnt beat myself up for doing things for him out of love- cooking a nice dinner for "us" to enjoy together, buying him a grill out of the blue because he loves to cook, suprising him with little notes of love, running out to get coffee from Starbucks and the paper so we could lie around on Sunday morning. I never feel guilty for loving my addict. But, when he went on a binge, I usually detached physically by staying away from him. That way I put the focus on me and didnt feel compelled to talk about his recovery efforts or lack thereof! I have learned so much about this disease, I didnt cause it, cant cure it or control it. His recovery is his recovery, I had to truly let go and let God. It is my opinion that it is not enabling to live under the same roof as your A, its only your actions towards him that can enable him. You and only you can decide if you can continue in your recovery with him there, its about you. love an hugs, g
IN TODAYS WORLD OF PSYCOLOGICAL MUMBO-JUMBO-WE ALL WILL HAVE TERMS THROWN AT US AS TO WHAT WE ARE DOING WRONG IN LIFE
YOU CAN GO TO THE LIBRARY OR WORST YET VISIT A PSYCOLOGIST AND ASK TO SEE THE BOOK ON "NORMAL" HUMAN BEHAVIOR--THERE IS NO SUCH BOOK
THERE ARE LABELS FOR EVERYTHING WE DO
THERE ARE A FEW HARD FACTS ON ENABLING THAT SHOULD BE FOLLOWED. AS VOICED BY THE PRIOR FOLKS THAT RESPONDED TO THIS POST---NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO--SOMEONE--SOMEONE WILL HAVE AN OPINION THAT YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG---EVEN IF YOU LEFT THE "A" AND DIDN'T HAVE ANY CONTACT WITH HIM--SOME WOULD BLAME THAT ACTION AS ENABLING HIM TO DRINK----YOU KNOW WHAT "THEY" SAY OPINIONS ARE LIKE...EVERYONE HAS ONE
LEARN WHAT YOU CAN-LISTEN WHEN YOU WANT-DO WHAT YOU THINK IS BEST FOR YOU--IF YOU GET THE RESULTS AND SATISFACTION FROM WHAT YOU BELIEVE IN--THAN JUST DO IT...
IF YOU REALLY WANT TO GET INTO A CONFUSING DEFINITION---TRY AND READ ON CODEPENDENCY AND TRY AND DECIPHER WHY IT'S A BAD THING
OPINIONS--OPINIONS I'VE GOT PLENTY AND SO DO MILLIONS OF OTHERS...
WHEN IN DOUBT---ENABLE YOURSELF--NURTURE YOURSELF--RESPECT YOURSELF--LOVE YOURSELF OTHER THINGS KIND OF FALL INTO PLACE WHEN WE SMILE FROM WITHIN...
DRAW YOUR LINES---STICK TO THE BOUNDARIES---ENJOY YOUR LIFE
