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Hi gang.... does anybody else struggle with that fine line that we often walk on here, between being supportive and loving to each other, vs. trying not to be giving advice, vs. almost 'enabling' each other in our journies of recovery?
I try very hard to post replies that are heart-felt, done with "Al-Anon love", preferably without judgement...... and also tend to want to call things as I see them, and not just tell people what they want to hear.... That being said, when I am analyzing my behaviors (as I have a habit of doing), I can certainly see some times when I don't say things very nicely, occasionally show myself being somewhat judgemental, etc....
I know, in my recovery, I learned to appreciate the (honest) people in my program who would "tell me like it is", share their experiences, and not sugar-coat things. I also remember, at various stages early on, there were times when I was not ready to hear that stuff.....
So I guess my question is..... what do you guys see, as being a "true friend" in Al-Anon and/or recovery, and how do you try to walk this fine line (or do you even see it as a struggle?)
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
hey tom, i love how you put it how you see it, you made me snap back to reality many times when i was dreaming. that is what im working one. i appreciate those who dont sugar coat things, its doesnt get you anywhere. i believe if someone says something that you dont like its usually because its the truth and you are in denial about the situation. so stay tough is all i have to say. you really have helped me grow. (((hugs)))
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stay in the now...dont look forward, dont look back....your life is what you make of it
I have noticed that there is a difference in the type of replies from the level of experience in alanon. Newcomers, kinda like myself, initially seem to just give opinions and take a more critical view of the alcoholic. Those with greater experience, tend to give more alanon specific replies . . . often quoting from literature or the steps, etc., and putting the focus more on the alanoner than the alcoholic. I think with greater experience, often replies are more blunt, because you have seen a lot of stuff and know how to just cut through to the meat of the matter.
To me it's like nursing (I'm a nurse). I have seen hundreds of abdominal surgeries and it's very routine for me. But for each patient, it is their first time. Sometimes I feel like I am not patient enough or am too blunt about what they can expect. But, unlike the new nurses, who often sugar-coat things, I think I provide a more realistic view of things. If it's going to hurt, I say it's going to hurt, but also that it won't hurt forever . . . that in the end, they will be better, even though they are going through a lot of pain right now.
I guess it is neat for me to see all the different levels of growth . . . and I always try to remember that we are all just human. I am a big time people pleaser . . . seeing this more and more in myself. So initially, I would feel bad about myself if I got a reply that didn't completely sympathize with me or tell me what I wanted to hear (that I was right and my AH was a jerk . . haha). I'm moving past that now . . . and truly trying to not let my often sensitive feelings get in the way of sound truth.
I like the 4 absolutes . .. absolute honesty, purity, love, and unselfishness. When these are applied to our actions and responses, we can feel pretty secure in our intentions.
I think that as long as you are questioning yourself, you are doing better than if you think you think you've "arrived."
To me a true friend in program is a guide , we share what works for us , suggest things to read etc and if people don't follow our (strong suggestions) give em a hug and tell them there will be a next time . to do it the al anon way. Aplaude thier efforts and support thier failures.
i think that is a great thought. maybe it would come under the "take what you like and leave the rest". that is one of my fav things about this program. frees me to be myself and not worry about having to take everyone else's opinions about me to heart. i can't aruge with someone else's esh. well, i could, i have but it really didn't get me better! thanks for the great thought!
Sometimes I cringe when I read replies to some of the posts.
You are so right. There's a delicate, fine line.
I find that those new to recovery need a lot of listening and a lot of nurturing. As they begin to grow and get the steps, traditions and concepts, they reach another layer of recovery. I have to remind myself that it's progress not perfection. I also use "if you say it once, it's a suggestion; if you find yourself repeating; you are controlling."
And finally for me, it depends on the person that I am either replying to or sharing with depending on whether it's online or in person or phone. If I have a "relationship" with someone in program, they already know about me. They understand my tone of voice, the love that I have for them. I have even reached that with many here online. We chat in the chat room and they have come to "know" me. As a result, I can talk program with them in the most honest way.
I learned this from my wonderful mother. She used to say "Maria, it's not what you say but how you say it."
Kind of like "Say what you mean, mean what you say but don't say it mean." It's amazing the difference of the same words used in different contexts. I am grateful for the emoticons too because it gives expression to the tone of my words.
A double winner once shared with me "It's a spiritual axiom that when anything bothers us, no matter what the source, something is wrong with us."
In my recovery stage, six years along the path, I so appreciate the honest truth as long as it's said with love, kindness and respect. I have learned alot from you.
yours in recovery, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Personally, I would prefer to be told the truth. It may hurt and I may not like it but I've spent too much of my life living with lies and denial. I appreciate someone who can cut through all my 'illusions' and reveal the bare bones. Of course, having said that, if they are able to do it gently, sensitively, lovingly or diplomatically I love them all the more for it! If I'm suffering from offended sensitivities or injured sensibilities, that's my problem and at least now I have some tools of Al-Anon to work them through. "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger" imho
In all honesty, I am more concerned with how I reply as opposed to how others reply to me. I try to reply lovingly from my opinion and understanding based on my experience. I try to reflect 'my truth'. That is the best I can do and it has to be enough. I'm only human and make mistakes sometimes. If I think I've been insensitive, hurt or offended anyone, if necessary, I can now make amends.
I am so grateful for all the members who have helped me to facilitate growth and recovery, such as it may be. I like that we are all 'works in progress'.
