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Hi everyone, My A is in a bad mood today, I could tell when I got out of bed and looked at him. He is off work today and as usual he always has someplace to go, but before he does, he tells me just how bad I am and the children too.
How do I not argue with him, when I know what he is saying is not true? I have to say I didn't argue much, but I had to defend myself, on a few issues.
He does everything and I do nothing. That is his theory. I am tired of walking on eggshells around him. He acts as though he is disgusted at me and everything around him at home.
I feel like I am going to explode right now, but he is aready gone. Maybe I will cool off before he gets back. I am sure he will be drinking and have his buddies with him.
I'm sorry I cannot offer you more than a reminder that you are not alone. I am very new to recovery and am not yet wise enough to help myself, much less anybody else. This is the right place for you to vent and seek help. Everyone here is amazingly compassionate and ready to lend an ear (eyes, in this case.)
An old timer once said to me something I've always held dear--The first tradition for her was all about truth. That she could live in the alcholism with the alcholic, with the insanity and the nonsense, and all she really needed to do, at any given time, was pick up the phone and call someone in al anon; go to an al anon meeting; read some literature; they all said the same thing. People who are in disease are sick; they are desprate and disparate; they are hurting.
I used to joke that we could always shoot each other if the pain of the disease was too great. But I think you know, deep down, there's a power greater than you, your husband, and your circumstances. And you always have the right to set boundries, no matter what.
Remember, Just because he says it doesn't make it true. You know it's not true - he will choose to believe whatever he wants no matter what you say - If you argue, fight, scream, yell, jump up and down, stand on your head, or any other crazy thing - will any of that change his mind - NO - because his mind is controlled by his disease.
That doesn't not excuse his behavior but it does give you a way out of not getting on the "Merry-go-Round" of an arguement that no one can win. Sometimes we can ignore those comments or we can respond with a few statements like "I hate that you feel that way" or "You might be right" "I'm not able to discuss this right now" and just let it go - Try not to let him have control over you and your day. And remember you have choices also, if he chooses to keep on with the ranting and raving - the unacceptable behavior - set a boundary - "If this behavior continues, then I will need to take sometime away from you for a while" - then take a walk, you and kids go to a friends for a visit - whatever you need to do to take care of you.
I know it's hard and it takes a while to get there - just keep coming back -
One Day at a Time,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
One of the things that I have learned in alanon is that I can start my day over again whenever I want. It is something that I have used many times. I have had many good days with bad things in them, I have also had bad days with many great things in them. It is all in my attitude. Today I choose to be positive. It is a choice I have to make everyday, and when I feel myself start to go down the road towards negativity, I can start my day over again.
Another thing I have been working on is not arguing with my "A", what good does it do anyway. When he says he does all the work around here, I let it go and don't comment on it. I know the truth, he knows the truth and our kids know the truth. Fighting back with him won't make him see my side of things, just drags me into the frustration. Why do the same things over and over expecting different results.
There is a wonderful woman who regularly attends my face to face meetings. She always tells the story of the first time her hubby tried to argue with him and then something she heard at an alanon meeting popped into her head and she slips out with "You know honey, you may be right." She said her hubby stopped in his tracks. He didn't know what to say, so an argument stopped before it even began. The really funny part is that she would say that sometimes and then when she left the room she would mutter and her breath "Your not right, Your not right".
Keep coming back, and Know that you are not alone.
Yours in recovery,
Dolphin123
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
Fighting or arguing with an active A is a pretty frustrating and fruitless exercise.... I guess it boils down to what value, and how much harm, it is doing to your emotional state.... I just found, that it simply wasn't worth the effort or anxiety for me to continually defend myself with my A....
I mean, when you think about it, it can be almost laughable.... She was downstairs drunk for most every waking hour of the day, and I was raising two kids on my own upstairs.... had them in daycare, did all the housework, cooked the dinners, bathed them, put them to bed, etc., etc.... Several times, after the kids were in bed, my wife would come upstairs and tell me with disgust what a lousy husband/father/provider I was..... For a long time, I used to fight back, defend myself, etc..... But it became too ridiculous, and I simply chose to NOT fight after awhile.... Even alcoholics struggle to fight, when there is nobody to fight with...
Hope that helps
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Thanks everyone. You are so right, It is just an argument alone.
Does anyone else have this problem? He did not even drink today and still was ugly to me. He even said he was moving out. All I could say was good luck? He said i didn't care about him and I just said yes I do, but if you want to move, who am I to stop you. He has not spoke a wort to me since. I won't lie, it is bothering me, but at least he is not putting me down. Oh and he is also sleeping on the couch.
All I did was get up this morning. Oh well good for him. I am really at my witts end. And Tomorrow is another day. Jade.
Yes, I've had these kind of days. I work long hours and would be eating my dinner when he called at 8 in the evening. This was enough to upset him. He inferred that I was always eating, not true. Nothing about the fact that he could drink every night and does. In many ways I often felt like I was not a human being where he was concerned. He would wave me out of the way if I stood in front of the television while talking to him. So I can empathise with these bad black moods.
But I think you know, deep down, there's a power greater than you, your husband, and your circumstances. And you always have the right to set boundries, no matter what. 
