The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
hello everyone. well my a and i have been separated for about three weeks now i think. im doing kind of bad i guess. im pretty sure im doing the right thing but still miss him. the biggest problem is i have let my program slip and need to get back on track. i know i'd be feeling better by getting back into program. ive been doing alot to take care of myself but i guess im just struggling with letting go of the relationship and accepting this has to be over. i was not happy in the relationship so what the heck do i miss so much? im just so confused. i really need some guidance and esh if anyone has anything to offer me, thank you.
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stay in the now...dont look forward, dont look back....your life is what you make of it
I am sorry for your feeling torn. Making a decission, and dealing with the greif is likely different. Give yourself some time and a break. You do have a wonderful oportunity to work your program without the distraction of the active A in your house and the pain you went through trying to come to this decission.
Do something special for yourself... maybe get away somewhere nice. This is a big step for the rest of your life. You are on a new path now. Enjoy it!
We are all here for you as you have been for us.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I'm sorry notsonew i dont have any guidance for you.. I have left my husband an active a more than once only to return again..While gone I waited for him to call and fought the urges not to call him. Wondering if he was out with someone else, visualizing that he was partying with another woman while i am home crying. Then finally, i give in and say, ahhhh it isnt so bad.. and before i know it I am right back in it.. Sick, I know... I am Angry that I am not strong enough to stay away from a relationship that isnt healthy.. You are very strong, and deep inside we know that the relationship is not healthy but YOU have the strength to do it and I admire you for that.. !! I am here cheering you on !
WELL WE ALL GO THROUGH THESE SAME FEELINGS WHEN WE MAKE A CHANGE IN OUR LIVES---SAD-LONELY-CONFUSED---DID I DO THE RIGHT THING
I THINK YOU DID THE RIGHT THING-AND I ALSO THINK YOU ANSWERED YOUR OWN QUESTION WHEN YOU SAID "I KNOW I'D BE FEELING BETTER BY GETTING BACK IN THE PROGRAM" WELL, LISTEN TO YOUR BEST ADVISOR (YOU) GET BACK IN THE PROGRAM----A LOT OF THESE FOLKS HAVE BEEN THERE AND DONE THAT---TALKING TO SOME OF THESE FOLKS WILL DO WONDERS FOR YOU--YOU ALREADY KNOW THAT
OPEN UP AND LET SOME SUN SHINE IN---YOU ARE A BRAVE LADY-BE PROUD OF YOUR STRENGTH...
I'm sorry you're having a hard time. I know it's not easy. The important thing is to take care of you. Someone told me that leaving (in my case, divorcing) is a process not an event. It takes time and it's a difficult journey. I've had ups and downs and sometimes found myself in darker places than I ever imagined. Just hang in there and take care of you! Know that there's so much support out there for you. Somehow, we'll all get through this.
You said you are confused because you miss the relationship even tho you were not happy in it.I think that is very normal.Even a bad relationship can be so comfortable because at least we know what to expect.Change is hard.Learning to take care of ourselves when we have been use to caring for and worrying about someone else is also hard.
I know when I first started to focus on myself, I felt like it was such a waste of time.I wasn't that important.Well,that was the whole problem.Other people were always more important to me than myself.
Acceptance is difficult,I know.Ask HP for help.Maybe you can find some books at the library that will help you in this transition, if you like to read.That always helps me.
I'm saying a prayer for you........love and hugs d
i quit smoking cigarettes 12 years ago and still to this day the thought comes into my head that maybe i do want to have a smoke. why not, it'd help me lose this weight, help me to be more social.....sick i know. addiction is powerful. i know that i not only loved my ah but i also became addicted to him. the addiction was hardest to overcome. that's what i used this program for. and i have those days when i think....it wasn't that bad, he wasn't abusive all the time, maybe he'll change, the kids miss him, if i let him back into our world he'd be here for the kids that can't be bad....really sick thinking! the addiction has lessened but the love of our memories will always be there. i can't say that i love him as he is today. he is so sick he is not someone i would ever choose to hang around with. so i have slipped and gone back, i have slipped and said really awful things to him and most reacently i have slipped and come here, vented, got some esh, said a prayer and focused on what is right in front of me which is not him thank god. we are human these are our feelings. they are true and ours to do with what we like. this program has taught be better ways to deal with my feelings. you're in the right place and no matter what this too shall pass...
We all slip in our program. That's normal. You've just gotta get back up and start all over again. You have no idea how many times I go back to step 1, eventhough A is in recovery.
You will learn the difference between being lonely and being alone. We all miss the relationship that once was, before this disease reared it's ugly head. Just because you left him, doesn't mean that you have completely stopped loving him. You're human. Feelings can't be turned off at flick of a switch.
Be extra good to yourself. You deserve it. Remember: you are entitled be healthy and happy. Love and blessings to you.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I think..... it is kinda "human nature" for us to start missing loved ones through 'rose colored glasses', and we remember the good parts (of which there were fewer and fewer), and minimize the bad parts (which were increasing in frequency).
This is why I value journalling so much... When you journal, and write down how you are feeling at the time..... you can use that as an honest reference guide to remind you of how things "really were", as opposed to how we "wanted to remember them to be".
A very short time ago, I remember you posting about how proud you were regarding gaining your own life back, you were accepting that your A could not or would not choose recovery for himself at this time, and that you had to move forward, and you were excited with what lay in front of you. So I ask you - what has changed in the last three weeks, to make you have those feelings of wanting/desiring your A once again?? Has he entered a program of recovery? (No). Has he changed his outlook on his using and drinking? (No). Is there any 'rational' reason to think this time things will be any better or different? (No).
The ONLY thing that has changed in these last three weeks is time, and you..... He hasn't "hurt" you recently, so that raw pain isn't as recent, etc....
Just my opinion.... I'm all for giving people 'another chance', if they have shown (not just stated) a willingness to enter into a committed program of recovery, have some time under their belts, and the boundary is set with that being one of the criteria for any reconcilliation.
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
