The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Just wondering if anyone out there has lived with an active A for a long time and is happy? I mean I know you are probably happy with yourself but with the relationship???
I am fairly new, learning to detach and all of the great tools here, but, what if AH never decides to get help? It is so strange to me because we were both so young when we began living together, I drank right along with him until my scary incident of driving in a blackout that lead me to AA. After two years + sober myself, I know now that all of these years I've been with him I was in a fog. Now that things are clearer and clearer to me, I am wondering how long I can do this if he doesn't seek help.
We do have good times with each other, but they are becoming rarer and rarer. Is that any kind of a way to live? He doesn't ever want to go to AA, has tried to go and hates it. Is there anybody who has experience with a husband who went another route of recovery????
I,too, am in a marriage where hubby is an A. I haven't gone to a face to fae meeting, only online, but I already have learned that I didn't cause it, can't cure him and I can't change him. I have let go and Let God take over. It's VERY difficult, but I am trying hard.
Hubby is a great husband and a wonderful father, when he's sober. From the outside I am the luckiest woman on earth. I have the privledge on staying home with the kids, I have a cleaning lady 5 days a week, and basiclly money is no problem. But I am miserable. He knows that.
Husband only drinks at night. He drinks vodka. He hasn't drank it in 11 days since I was all over him about quitting, before I decided to hand it over to God. He still drinks beer and lots of it.
I know I didn't really answer your question, just know you are not alone.
Well, I certainly don't fit your criteria, as my ten year marriage to my (now sober) wife ended in divorce.....
I guess I am certainly biased on this one, but I can't fathom that anyone can "truly be happy" living and married to an active A.... I guess there may be exceptions, but I think people can cope, make do, and get by... but happiness would seem a stretch....
Now, all that being said, the opening of our Al-Anon meetings does remind us that we can, indeed, find serenity whether our A's are drinking or not.... I think we can learn to have peace with ourselves, be comfortable with who we are in the world, but cannot imagine being "happy" with an active A.
Just my opinion
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
i was with my a for almost eight years and just left him recently. hopefully for the last time. see he would always promise to get help and did for short periods of time then slip. in the past year he has not been over to stay sober for over 3 weeks. i guess he never really wanted it. he will only recover when he chooses to and he can do that without me. so i chose to leave. i dont have to go down this road with him anymore. i was definatly not happy. there were many great times. he would only binge one night every three weeks, in between that he didnt touch it. but it didnt change his attitude. he beat me down verbally so much over these years that i lost who i was and now feel unworthy and unloved. so i have to work on this now. get back to me and get my life back.
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stay in the now...dont look forward, dont look back....your life is what you make of it
Sometimes I think you can and other times I think I must be CRAZY..:) Living with an active a is like living on a rollercoaster. Even when they are not drinking their mood swings can be unbearable. I love my husband and for the first 15 years of our nearly 20 year marriage he drank I never said a word just kept it inside and sucked it up.. Then the drinking became more often and 6 beers turned to 12 and so on.. Now, I have returned home after a brief seperation only to ask myself WHY again ?? Am I just out of fignt ? Have I given up on true happiness ? Maybe so, I am not sure anymore..
They do say that you can be happy but i havent experienced it not yet anyway !!
FIRST OFF LET ME SAY I FEEL YOUR PAIN-YOU SOUND TIRED
WHEN I MARRIED MY A WIFE I ACTUALLY THOUGHT AND WISHED THAT MY LIFE HAD BEEN FULFILLED--WHEN WE GOT MARRIED WE MADE A PACT THAT ALCOHOL WOULD NOT BE A PART OF OUR MARRIAGE (I KNEW SHE WAS AN ALCOHOLIC BUT SHE WAS VERY CONTROLLED WHEN SHE WAS WITH ME) WELL THE CLEAN AND DRY ONLY LASTED ABOUT SIX MONTHS AND THEN WE STARTED THE CYCLE
DRUNK OR SOBER--ALCOHOL WAS NOW EMBEDDED IN OUR LIVES FOREVER-EVEN THE GOOD TIMES WERE NOW DIMINISHED WITH THE CLOUD OF ALCOHOL
FOUR TRIPS TO DETOX AND REHAB IN THREE YEARS WAS ENOUGH-ALL THIS PLUS AA--SHE OBVIOUSLY WASN'T READY TO GIVE IT UP---BUT I WAS AND DID--THE BLACK CLOUD OF ALCOHOL WAS NOT HOW I PICTURED MY LIFE
AA IS NOT FOR EVERYONE AND IT'S NOT EVEN THE BEST AVENUE FOR EVERYONE--I DO NOT KNOW YOU OR YOUR SITUATION BUT THERE ARE OTHER COUNSELORS AVAILABLE THAT MAY APPEAL TO YOUR H IF YOU FOLKS HAVE THE RESOURCES...
AL-ANON CAN BE A MAJOR BENEFIT TO A LOT OF FOLKS---BUT I WILL 100% AGREE WITH "CANADIANGUY" LEARNING TO COPE AND TAKING GOOD CARE OF YOURSELF CAN GIVE YOU GREAT RELIEF WHILE DEALING WITH AN ACTIVE A---A LOT OF FOLKS CALL IT "SERENITY" FOR ME "SERENITY" IS A PASSIVE, PEACEFUL EXISTENCE WITH REALITY--- WHERE "HAPPINESS" FOR ME IS AN ACTIVE PARTICIPATION IN A RELATIONSHIP AND IN LIFE---I CHOOSE HAPPINESS FOR ME
I WISH YOU WELL--YOU ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT FACTOR IN GAINING YOUR HAPPINESS-TAKE CARE OF YOU FIRST AND MAYBE (IF YOU WANT IT) HAPPINESS WILL POKE THROUGH THOSE DARK CLOUDS---STARE INTO A MIRROR AND SMILE AT YOU--I'LL BET SOMEONE SMILES BACK
