"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

bluebjade · Member

new here

Rebecca · Senior Member

welcome newbie

im prob not the best person right this very minute to be the first person to welcome u to this boardroom coz i had an off day yesterday...but 2day was better and we always need someon to talk to.

i understand ur anger, fear frustration and pain..... ur angry at him for acting like he does, u feel like poisoning his "so called friends" when they call or ring him.. u feel ur kids deserve more (and they do) ur mad at urself for putting up with it and ur mad at him all over again coz ur trying to hold everything together so on the outside ye look like the Waltons...

ugh uh... been there...done that...worn the t-shirt hun...

all u an do... is "DETACH"...this doesnt mean "IGNORE" like i thought it used to mean... this means you switch ur mind to something other than ur "A" and his actions.... focus on u kids and YOU. always reassure ur kids on how much you love them..... they will never tire from hearing those words from u. look after yourself...physically, mentally and emotionally..... ur kids need you.

it is posssible to live with an active A..many people will testify to that in here.... my story...i cudn't cope... so i made my own mind up to leave.... (im only 25..dont have kids) howver i have kept in contact with my A thru thick and thin...until he went missing last weekend... no one has seen or heard from him.... so u can imagine im frantic but trying to "LET GO....and LET GOD!... its tough.

we are always here for u..day or night... we are ur 2nd family.... never EVER feel like ur alone in this..

thanks for finding us....and welcome to our family..the door is always open... never 4get that!

take one day at a time......

luv rebecca xxx

Cyn · Senior Member

Blue,

I back up what Rebecca said. The door IS always open here. I dont have an A in my life any longer - but what a tough choice that was for me. I realized how much stronger of a person I am than I thought I was. I turned the focus back on ME - or even - I FINALLY for the first time in 29 years turned the focus on me.

I have taken some of the tools I have learned here from everyone and used them in my new relationship - and it has given me so much strength to deal with some of the stuff that used to make me run the other direction in a relationship. I have been with my new boyfriend for the past 7 months - and we are talking seriously about getting married. He is NOT an A but he has his own set of problems - as do I. The difference for me is that I let him deal with his OWN problems and dont try to fix them for him. If he is in a bad mood and takes it out on me - I just walk away or hang up the phone and tell him I love him. This makes me love myself more than I ever did - and I will go about my own business and focus on the things in my life that matter (i.e. my business, my job, my social life, taking care of MYSELF).

I have learned that working out is a very important part of my daily existence so I make it a priority instead of checking up on him to make sure he is taking care of things in his life. I have learned that showering and making myself something good to eat after work is important to my life rather than getting anxious that he hasnt called me yet today. I have learned how to leave my cell phone at home and go out with my friends while he goes out with his instead of not needing to have that leash to keep in contact with him all night long. I have relaxed enough to fall asleep at night WITHOUT talking to him on the phone knowing I will talk to him the next day if I dont that night, instead of panicking for hours on end that he might be doing something stupid and I might get hurt.

With Alanon I learned I was an enabler without knowing I ever was. We all do it. And our excuse for it is that we want to show the person we care about them. However the truth really is that we are unconsciously controlling the situation to protect ourselves from getting hurt. But the truth to that is that we cannot control anyone from ever hurting us - and we make it worse by not allowing the person to live their own lives. And the screwy part of protecting ourselves from being hurt is that the people you love the most are the ones you always hurt the most because they are safe and easy.

I used to be you - I used to get upset and sit and wait and ignore MY needs - now mind you I am not talking about the needs you feel your partner should meet for you - but the needs you should be meeting for yourself. Today - I come first. Because if I cant come first for me - how can I be a good partner - a WHOLE partner for someone else?

Just focus on YOU. He will do his own thing - and live his own life and the more pressure or guilt he feels because you are unhappy - the worse it will get. I know it is hard. And we are all here to help you.

Cyn

ollie · Veteran Member

Welcome,oh your letter i can relate to so well.

I lived with my h drinking and lying constantly for 3 yrs,he was in deep denial,he even used to accuse me of hiding the drink all over the house (never his)i like you, never told anyone for a couple of years,kept all the horror to myself,even our children who were adults i tried to protect them ,i ended up sicker than him.

Ionly wish i had found this board much sooner,there are people here who have lived with this problem a lot longer than i could,they are wonderful friends who understand totally how you are feeling,i am still fairly new here myself,but ive learned so much,and getting stronger all the time

A BIG(((((((hug)))))) ollie xxx

rtexas · ~*Service Worker*~

((((Bluebjade))))

Welcome to MIP and your recovery. You are not crazy or alone. Alcoholism is a disease and has some pretty well documented phases of what happens to the A and those who love him/her.

If you have read here much you probably see tons that is exacly how you feel, how your A acts. It's a fairly predictable disease and it is progressive (gets worse over time) for everyone.

Al-Anon is not to fix the A, it is to help you get your life together.

I hope you will stick around and try the chat (link is in the upper left corner of this page), and try to find a face to face meeting. It is great to sit down with folks who know exactly how you feel.

Take care of you!

PS Here is a link you might like to look at. It is a brochure I was given at my first meeting. Really opened my eyes.

===> http://www.bendfeldt.com/alcholism.htm

bluebjade · Member

Rebecca, thank you for your reply. DETATCH, sounds like something I want to do, but will take a lot of work. It is amazing, how you knew my feelings. I have a hard time expressing them. Don't get me wrong, I front him on his actions, but try to keep it behind closed doors.

When I do try to talk to him, he blames me for his problem. I have changed all that I can change. I feel like a circus clown, doing flips around him trying to get his attention. Then, when I do get his attention, he starts yelling, blaming, and telling me if I wasen't so lazy and self-centered, he would stay home and wouldn't have a reason to drink.

He is also very controlling, with me and the children. As I said in my other post, I have never talked about this before and I am still real scared about what I say. I don't want to say the wrong thing. I just need help with this problem.

So, I am going to try this detaching thing, and I understand that I am not suppose to ingore him. I just need to know how not to sit and dwell on what he is doing. Also, he takes care of the finances,(as I said he is very controlling) so I am pretty much stuck at home. At this point in my life I feel hopeless.

I will try to explain how I feel all the time, I hope it makes sense. I feel immobile, I have no ambition to do anything, even making dinner is a chore. I don't keep house like I am suppose to, so of course I get that thrown in my face all the time. My mind is on him and what he is going to be like when he comes home. I want out of this vicious circle, I am hoping that this is the first step to getting to where I need my children and I to be.

Again Thank You for you reply and suggestions. I know now that I'm not crazy and other people have and are feeling what I am.

By the way, I am so sorry that your A is missing. Oh, how scary that must be. My heart is with you.

bluebjade · Member

Oh my gosh, as I was replying to Rebecca, I recieved so many other replies. Your support is so wonderful. You know, I never really thought about it the way all of you have explained it, but it is like all of you know me.

It has been so long since I have thought about me, I almost forgot I am a person.. It has all been about him and the alcohol.

(((ME))) Ok I am thinking about that person, she is almost noexistant. I fully intend on finding myself again and am going to try my best to do things for me. If feels so wierd to say that.

Am I just not suppose to say anything to him about his drinking? If that is what I need to do, then I will try it, but it will be hard. I have lived this life for so long that change is going to take some time.

Thanks for all the support, Blue

omajoy · Veteran Member

My A is my adult son. I have spent years in denial about him and have NEVER discussed this with any of my friends (former, I have moved and have no one now) or very little with my family. The disease is so awful. If your loved one had diabetes, cancer, or some other serious condition, there would be solutions to try. But with alcohol you are the helpless one. Only the one with the problem can help himself. You will have a long road ahead with some desperate days. Just keep coming on this site, try to find meetings in your area and attend. IF that is not possible, try the on-line meetings. You need ONE person at least in whom you can confide and who can be there to support you. Do you have anyone who might be there for you...neighborhood, church, family, some organization? I will keep you in my prayers because I so identify with your situation. It takes lots of courage to even post for the first time. You have made that step. So keep going...one step and one day at a time.

twinmom2 · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Blue)))

Welcome to MIP. Glad you found the courage to post on your situation. You will find after spending some time reading others posts that many of us are in the same situation. All of us at some point or another have been affected by someone we love's drinking. I can relate to your post very well especially on how you are feeling right now. I live with an A who is "dry" right now but not really working his program. We have two boys who are 3 years old. Before coming into Alanon all I could think about was what am I going to do about this man's drinking. I didn't understand why he had to get drunk all the time. I knew some things about A'ism but didn't really believe he had a problem when I first met him. After getting pregnant and him saying he wanted to get married and have a family, but the drinking and irresponsible behavior did not stop. I began to obsess about how would I live with an active A and raise two boys to become healthy responsible people if their Dad is a drunk and can't keep a job. I took responsibility for things in his life that he should have done. I made excuses for his drinking and lack of accountability with money, work, etc. By the time I had my kids I was physically and emotionally exhausted. Coming into Alanon and hearing that there is hope was baffling to me. I thought how can I have hope if he's not sober? How can I get healthy if he's not healthy? Well I'm learning a lot about myself and how I react to the A. I'm learning how to have a life regardless if he's sober or not, willing to be around or not. I do lots of things with my kids by myself and I do lots of things for me by myself, but I'm alot more calm these days and not so quick to listen to his BS and blaming me for everything that's wrong in his life.

Detaching with love is not easy... I still struggle with it. If you can get to a Face to face meeting or continue to post here and do the meetings here you will begin to see some clarity come to your life. Obsessing about them is our sickness, keep coming back and take it one day at a time.

Take care,

Twinmom~

hersh · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Blue:

I am fairly new here myself but wanted to tell you WELCOME!!! And, this site truly is saving my sanity and my life. I, too felt like you (and still feel sometimes, but it is getting so much better!) - my husband began drinking heavily this year after not drinking for a whole year (that was the most wonderful year we ever had out of our 17).

This is a totally new perspective that they teach you here, but I am not kidding you, it is not about getting the person you love sober, but for you to find your way back to serenity and happiness. I know by your post that you really feel like you live in hell, and it is so up and down all of the time. You feel like everything is going great and he is fine, then he gets drunk, flat on his face. It is such an emotional devastation. But, if you begin to take care of yourself and listen to people here and read posts, you will start to feel better, really!

I was so lost when I found this site and ALANON, I was MAD because I thought, how come I need help when he is the one that is drinking? Believe me, there is so much love and friendship here, people that will answer your call when you are desperate and feel as if your world is caving in. I have printed things out that people have written here that I read over and over in my times of agony, and they really make me feel comforted and change my view of things that are happening.

Again, please come back, you will feel better. It does take some time, but you won't regret it!!!!

Love, HeidiXXX

bluebjade · Member

I already feel relief, just knowing, that I am not alone in the world of an A. I'm not saying that I am happy that all of you have this to deal with,I would never wish this on anyone, I am trying to say that I just felt so isolated. I thought I just had a mean A'ic husband, and that there was no way around it. Now, I see that there are so many people with the same problems.

What is amazing to me is that in every reply, someone will tell me of things that they are going through and to every one I can relate. The support is unbelievable. I was so scared when I first posted today, but I already feel like I am part of a new family.

I tried talking to someone once, and their advice was get out, leave now. It was very easy for that person to say, because they don't love him, or have deep feelings for him. Here I can talk and I get the advice I really need.

There are no meetings where I live. I live in a very small town. In a dry county, like that should make a differance.

I was told that I need to talk one on one with someone, is there any way to do that here? I am also kind of limited as to when I can talk, because when he is home, he watches me, and I would be in a load of trouble for doing this.

I want to try to get a life, one that does not include alcohol. I want to be strong. For my children and for me.

I need to learn how to do the meetings on here. Is there a way to get there without it showing up in the files on my pc? He watches me very closely, he checks the computer and everything. I even have a secret email address, because I had to give one to activate an account on here.

I will be so happy when I get stronger and don't have to walk around on eggshells anymore. There is so much I want to say, now that I have the chance to, but I won't do it all in one day, it just feel so good to get this out and get feedback on it. I write in a journal,and it helps, but getting advice is so much better. I have had this packed down inside me so tight, that it is just a relief to release some of it. I feel like I have been given a priceless gift.

I'm sorry if I am babbeling, I just don't get to talk about this problem and it really feels good to get some of it out. I really do thank you all for your support. I am hoping in time, this heaviness I feel will lighten and I can have a real life.

twinmom2, you are so right about obcessing being my sickness. I never thought of it that way, but that is so true. I don't want it to be my sickness anymore, Ijust want to feel better. I can't remember all of your names, but thank you for taking the time to send a reply to me. I means so much to me. I am not used to answers, when I need them. You are all so wonerful. HUGS TO MY NEW FAMILY, Blue

Diva · ~*Service Worker*~

Jade, no one here is going to think you are a freak. All of us here will cheer you for having the courage to let go of your feelings after all these years. This whole thing of living with an active A will drive you crazy if you allow it to; that's where AlAnon comes in. It teaches you how to look after yourself and your children, and lead a serene, normal life. Find a meeting close to you and go as often as you can. Ten years are enough for you and your family to suffer. And come back here often. We have on-line meetings which you are welcome to attend.

Best wishes, Diva

debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Blue, welcome.

You asked the question should I say anything to him about his drinking.

In alanon we learn to look at ourselves. I don't even mention aism or if he uses, or anything. If he says something, I say, it is your choice.

My A is my husband. If I had been a different person he would have tried to control me too. But I was not brought up in dysfunction and not one to be bossed and was very independant and arnery! (c:

Anyway, we have almost all been where you are. I have been at this almost six years straight, every single day.

When we learn to detach from the A's disease, we look at them as very sick people. I care about my A very, very much. No matter what it takes I hope he finds some recovery time. Right now he is homeless, just got out of jail from a dui.

I used to wait and hunt for him, go find him and drag him home.

Now I may not even feel like answering the phone. It is not my problem, not my issue. If he is using, he is being controlled by the disease, and is a monster I choose to not be around.

When my kids were little he had a temper tantrum. I ran next door in my nightgown with my kids, dog and cat in tow. Called the police, he left, I got a restraining order and we did not see him for ten years.

The kids are grown, he came back all in AA,strong in his program of recovery was so cool. He was a sponsor, headed meetings. We got married, he had a brain surgery in 99 had a medical relapse and has been insane ever since using and abusing.

He now has over 100 days sober and on program again.

I have learned to take care of me. Have my own money, house on 5 acres, animal sanctuary, flower/vegie garden, old 78 chevy short bed pickup I LOVE and do not need my A for anything but his company if he does not mess with my boundaries.

There is a great book called,"Getting Them Sober." volume one is the one I like. If you want one, let me know. You can send me your snail mail in pm or however you want, and I can send you one. I have someone else to find one for too.

It is a great, easy to read book that will teach you soooo much.

I want to ask you what you are afraid of? Does he hurt you physically? You can always email me privately if you like. Ya just click on our name and it will say send private message, click on that and a page will come up.

To get my private email you click on member profile.

Life with alcoholism is horrible. It affects everyone who is around them. Most people cannot stay married to an A.

It makes us sick too. That is why we stop looking at what they do, and work on us.

I sure relate to your not having energy. The constant abuse wears us down. I quit gardening, did not even clean much. Then when I healed up and woke up, omg myhouse was dirty! LOL

How to start? What I did was when he talked and was obnoxious. I imagined a wad of cancer yapping. I refused to allow a disease get to me. It was not my husband talking, it was the disease.

It took time. I wanted to respond, but then I got where I shut my mouth and left the room. Left the house.

After awhile it became natural to basically pretend my husband was not there. In fact he wasn't as the disease was in control.

For me, I detach by loving the man, hating the disease.

Before I say anymore, I hope you can tell me what is making you afraid. I want to help.

love to you, email me anytime. love,debilyn

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP, and I'm glad you found us...

Your questions and concerns are very common for any newcomer, and I think you will see very quickly that you are not, by any means, any kind of "freak".... What you will find, however, is that you may not have known how sick all this stuff has made YOU, and that in itself, is your first step towards getting better and healthier.... Often times, it is really easy to see how sick our A's are, but not nearly as obvious as to how sick WE have become.

I can still remember reading one of my first books on addictions - "Getting Them Sober", volume one, by Toby Rice Drews. A friend in Al-Anon had recommended the book to me, and I started reading it, convinced that NOBODY could possibly understand the chaos happening behind closed doors at my house, with my active A-wife. Well, I was shocked to see my life story, almost verbatim, splashed all over the pages of chapters 1, 2, 3 etc.... The reality is, that addictions are addictions, and addicts tend to follow an almost eerily similar set of behaviors and traits...

Please keep coming back, sharing, etc.... This is a good safe place to start your journey of recovery.

Take care

Tom

leo · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Blue just wanted to say I live in Australia and also a very small country town so I know exactly what you are going through at the moment. My husband is my A and the problem of his drinking is magnified when you feel like you are living in a goldfish bowl. Please know that you are already part of our family and we will not judge you in anyway. Post as often as you are able to, always somewhere here anytime of day or night. Luv Leo xx

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"