The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
There is an alcoholic, not directly in my life, but indirectly there through a group I communicate with. The person I have trouble with is soooo sick... will NOT do anything to help themself, will NOT go to a meeting, will NOT go to detox... keeps drinking for days on end into oblivion and wanting everyone's pity, but will not take ONE darned step toward anything different. This has gone on for a year now; wants advice but has never bothered to take action on ONE BIT of it.
Funny, that I could be soo obsessed and soo frustrated with someone who is exactly where I have been... if I lived anywhere near this person I would be totally off the hook and call an ambulance and report an incident of alcohol poisoning. But my Higher Power has seen to it that it isn't within my power today. Thinking about having no more association with this person until this person changes, or rather, is changed, somehow. It hits too close to home, to that toxic spot where I've been, and gratefully have been lifted up out of.
Just a vent here, and reminders of how to let go would be appreciated.
Anytime I'm obsessing about another person or their recovery what I'm really saying is "You don't know what's best for you; I do; let me tell you how to live your life." What I forget is that there are people that don't want recovery; that there are people who, no matter how hard they try, won't get recovery (the chapter, "How it works" says "They cannot or will not give themselves to this simple program"); and there are people who can't get recovery, they try to work their own agendas, their own stuff.
In the words of one old timer, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink." People have to truly be ready to embrace recovery at their core level; other wise, my energy is wasted.
I feel for you. It is so hard when we know of a path that will help someone and they are directed to that path and refuse to walk down it at all, or even a little.
Remember the 3 C's You didn't cause it, You can't control it, and you can't cure it. You are trying to bring the message of recovery to the still suffering alcoholic, which is part of your steps.
Many a time have I met someone who was in pain and they were in an alcoholic relationship. I have brought the message of alanon, offered to go to meetings with them, given them the website here, and told them to call me at anytime. Sadly they have not taken me up on the offer, a few have, but quickly stopped attending meetings. I had to let them go. For my own sanity and serenity, I have had to let them go. I am truly powerless over alcohol and their desire to seek help.
My "A" (when he is active in working his program) has brought some of his buddies to meetings. All he cares about doing is "ruining their high" (his words) and then if they continue down the path of addiction, he says their high, will never quite feel the same.
I guess, in a sense, that is what I am doing for my friends who need alanon.
Also something I have had to do with some truly sick friends, is cut off contact with them. For my own sake I have had to do that. One of them was a highschool friend we were best friends for a long time. And when I started to get helathy I invited her to come with me to meetings. I talked program to her for over a year. And then one day my hubby pointed out how my serenity was completely gone. I had to do some thinking, and after bouncing ideas off my sponsor, I decided since she was choosing to stay in her own sickness and just wanted to complain, I let her go. I told her my what I had decided, and then left. That was over four years ago. I run into her now and then and she is still living in the sickness. It is sad, but she just is not ready to seek help yet.
Joni, I feel for you. You are so loving and caring, and I can see the desire to give back what you have been given, and that is a truly admirable thing. Sadly not all that we share with are ready to hear are message of recovery.
Take care of you hun.
Yours in recovery,
Dolphin123
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
The best thing you can do for that person is pray for them.
As for you, if you feel your HP is nudging you to distance yourself then do that.Listen to your gut.You starting that slippery slope downward will do nothing to help that person.You must take care of you,that is how you let go.
I hear your frustration. I to had a similar situation with a woman I did business with. After several attempts of offering help I had to detach. When she failed to get help for herself it was my only option. I refused to attend her pity party any longer. I would redirect the conversations in other directions as part of my detachment. If I could not do this I would politely end the call with her. It was the only way. She did finally get the message that I would not continue to prod her to program or offer help. I had planted the seed of program in her head - that was all I could do. We did lose contact after a couple of years and I hope she found help for herself. Only her HP knows the answer to that.
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Nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care. Love you all!
Karen
I often have to remind myself to let go - when I can't I have to get that mental picture of that person I can't let go of - picture them doing their favorite thing, then picture them doing that activity in the best of circumstances with their Higher Power - like fishing, reading, taking a nap, sitting in their HP's lap, etc.
That is how I Let Go & Let God . . .
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I had never heard the term "attending their pity" before... that really hits home. That is a party I can definitely CHOOSE not to attend... I am not obligated to sit in anybody's CRAP with them!!! It is hard enough for me to get up out of my own at times!!!
I have a good plan in place now for when I am tempted to interefere or get 'sucked in'.
I have to remind myself that other people have their own HP and that their HP will watch over them. Sometimes it seems as if we tell ourselves, "If so and so would just follow my directions and do as I say everything would be fine." We have to remind ourselves that our best thinking got us here and we haven't been able to manage our own lives. I also have to remind myself that people in the grip of addiction aren't happy and purposely avoiding getting better. They are powerless. Their disease is in control. It is a cunning disease and it keeps people right where it wants them.
I almost feel 'ashamed' at my frustration for others who are stuck in the problem... when for me, it took a decade to put 1 year of sobriety together.
..and Debilyn.... I do not know WHAT I would do without my animals... they literally keep me taking my next breath at times. I wish I could learn to treat myself and others as well as I treat my furry babies... I guess they are a perfect outlet for my codependency... LOL
Tonight I did indeed let it go... I spent time with my wonderful husband and our animals... he just passed a kidney stone and was off work, so we spent the entire day, animals and him and I 'cuddling' in the big bed watching movies and laughing nd lots of puppy-and-kitty napping. I could have 'reached out' to this person I am speaking of who is still so sick later this evening... but I elected not to. And tomorrow is another day, Lord willing... and I will hopefully make the same decision, "Just for Today".
Right now, I have an 18 year old nephew who is entering treatment. And I really love this kid. I know he feels "doomed" because the disease runs on both sides of the family. Plus depression.
Yesterday, I asked my husband - who has been sober 5 years- "What does it take for a person to truly believe they need help?" They need to hit their bottom. My nephew had a serious auto accident recently which might be the last straw for him.
His parents are doing what they can in getiing him into a program. Now it's up to him. When I see him again, I will just tell him how much I love him and when I don't see him, I'll be praying for him.
. I could have 'reached out' to this person I am speaking of who is still so sick later this evening... but I elected not to. And tomorrow is another day, Lord willing... and I will hopefully make the same decision, "Just for Today".