There have been a lot of stories lately about bad news - A's in recovery acting badly, problems with AA, etc. I thought I'd share something small that happened in our lives, to inject a note of hope.

My husband has been in recovery about three and a half years. I started alanon at the same time, because he was told in rehab that I should. Our first few years were very rocky - he stopped drinking and drugging, but developed something of a sex addiction. Like some here lately, I sometimes wondered if it was worth it. But, we both kept going, working on our own paths, and slowly getting better.

So, fast forward to now. Last week, I did something stupid (I won't go into that whole story) and put a big scratch and ding in the side of my car. Totally my own fault - I made some errors of judgement, and then compounded them by panicking. No other vehicles involved, no one hurt, just about $600 damage.
Right after it happened, I started to think about the spin I would put on it to my husband. He of course had done lots of stupid costly things when he was drinking, and sometimes some since. These flashed through my mind, I thought of saying "Yeah, maybe it was stupid, but what about when you...." and decided not to. So, I didn't say a word of that type, just told him what happened. I worked very hard at not being defensive (which is one of my faults) and though I told the story so he would understand why I made the choices I did, I didn't try too hard to put a postive spin on it.
He was great. He couldn't resist scolding me, but as soon as it started to get angry, he said "I'll call you back" (I'd told him about it on the phone) and called back when he had calmed down. He did not put a lid on his feelings, and try to pretend that he was not upset, but he also did not allow himself to rage or preach. I, on my part, did not get defensive and try to brush off his feelings and observations.
We are working together on a solution, and this is not a problem or source of tension in our home.

Big deal you, say, you worked it out like adults, what's so special about that? What is so special, is that he is the same man who once went into a rage (he wasn't even drunk at the time) about a loaf of bread that I had allowed to get slightly crushed in the freezer. He raged at me about that bread for over three hours - until I cracked, attacked back, and the whole thing became a several days long fight. Just one of several thousands, all happening the same way - he would find a real or imagined fault of mine, I would get defensive, and off we'd go. Ten years ago, this incident with the car would probably have ended up with blows, threats of divorce, nights spent sobbing, you guys know the drill.

Recovery is possible. When we both work our own sides of the street, we can change those old ways of acting. After twenty years, we are finally learning how to have problems without making them worse. It happened to us, it can happen to you.