The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My A husband who has been Gone for 8 months doesn`t understand why I need Money from him to take care of our 4 children!! He say that he has helped pay bills for 17 years and now it`s my turn to pay all the bills!! He complains about how broke he is and I say "well atleast you only have to worry about yourself..I have 4 kids I`m trying to feed clothe and house" And then he gets an attitude with me!! He has money to drink and smoke 2 packs of name brand cigarettes a day but cant spare a dime for his children.There are days when we literally have no food.I`m close to being kicked out of my house because I`m behind in rent...and he is boo hooing about his finances. If he is being extra nice and decides to ask how we are doing and I tell him either me or one of the kids are sick..instead of being concened he has to tell me how much sicker he was..he always has to make it about HIM!!!!
And he tells me today that it`s my fault we are not together!! If I would quit getting an attitude we could work things out. And since I have a friend(I wasn`t allowed friends when he lived here) We actually hang out sometimes...he accuses me of being a lesbian....I think all the alcohol has pickled what was left of his brains!! okay...thanks I feel better as usual...lol
My first husband and your husband sound like they are two peas in a pod...sigh.
What I did was get a divorce and get court ordered child support...he still did not pay a penny...but at least I had some leverage for him to stay out of our lives and not harrass me and was able to keep my daughter from his drug addicted lifestyle. I kept telling him to pay and he kept telling me he wouldn't since he couldn't be convinced it would go to our daughter and I would not spend it on my "new boyfriend" SIGH. I had none...I was too busy working night and day to raise my daughter with no child support from him.
I could never leave myself so vulnerable that I had to beg and plead with my EX for money. To me this would have been continuing the brainwashing and emotional abuse that I had escaped from. If he paid, good, if he did not pay I had to make the decision to turn him in. No discussion, no harrassment. He did not come to get his daughter for visitation either, not a surprise, but good in many ways.
If you don't like divorce, get a legal separation so the JUDGE will enforce child support, you won't have to hear his selfish complaints and manipulations.
Oh, and the thing about if you have a good friend you must be a lesbian is a classic also...SIGH!!! I, and many friends in similar situations heard the same. You see, it is about control. They don't want you to have any close friends as they are a support system and major "REALITY CHECK". If you have friends in your life it is harder to brainwash you and control you and convince you that what he is doing is RIGHT and you are just a selfish complaining witch.
Whatever you do keep posting here and turning to your friends to keep your sanity and back up your RIGHT instinct that your husband is a selfish sick person. Listen to your instincts they are right. Don't tell your husband about your friends, they are for YOU, don't give him more ammunition to attack you with. Try to get some court ordered help in collecting support.
I think you've answered the question yourself. Yes, all addicts are selfish, even in their recovery. It's their way of life. When they are active, they need their fix. It's all about them.
I'm sorry you're going through this. You know it's not your fault that your not together. I refuse to live with an active alcoholic. You did what you had to do to take care of your family. You're a good Mom.
Love and blessings to you and your children. Remember to be good to yourself.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Allison, we recommend alot of books here, but one book I always recommend to newcomers to recovery in Al Anon is the book Alcholics Anonymous, also known as "The Big Book." This is the book that people in AA use to work the 12 steps and stay sober. Well, "The Big Book" defines alcholism as a disease of selfishness, self centerdness and fear--that the alcholic reacts to their environs out of a belief that they won't get what they want, they'll get what they don't want, or they won't get their needs attended to.
Now, obviously for someone in AA this is a clock-punch between the eyes forcing them to look hard at their actions. But I also think it forces us to look at ourselves. The holy trinity of an alcholic's active disease (in my experience) is blaming [others], shaming [others], and manipulating [others]. The holy trinity of the (again, in my experience) family disease is blaming [the alcholic/ the alcholism/ the other family members], martyrdom [of ourselves/ of other family members], and resentments [of the situation/ self/ alcholic/ alcholism]. And if we look at our motives, most of the time there was a cost/benefit idealogy at stake: how will I look when it's all said and done? What will other people think of me when it's all said and done? What will happen in the end? And to me, these are very selfish motives--they're really saying "Can't you see? I put up with the family disease of alcholism! I dealt with the claws and fur and teeth of this horrible nightmare head on! Why aren't you attending to me? Why aren't you noticing me? Why aren't you cannonizing me? I have dealt with alcholism!What have you done that compares?" And again, these are very selfish motives for attention.
The only way I have ever found to rid myself of selfishness is to first and foremost work the steps with a sponsor. By working with someone who understands the program at a level I haven't experienced, I gain insight into the core of my soul, and I can catch my deficits of character. As the old saying goes, Knowledge is power. And when I'm aware of who I really am, what I'm really like, I can make efforts to change those parts of myself that are causing me pain, that are causing me problems. Ultimately, if I want to do god's will, I need to know the parts of myself that are keeping me from being like god, and I need to be willing to surrender those parts of myself to God. I surrender those things via daily 10th steps, prayer, professional help, working with my sponsor, and working with newcomers, and living ODAT.
Yes I believe A's are selfish. I have been reading a great deal about Boundaries lately and people with the lack of boundaries inherit characteristic flaws of being selfish, addictions, irresponsible behavior. My A has a very difficult time stepping out of his world. He's in his head all the time, and has lots to say to other people but not us. He's quite, moody, and self absorbed. It stinks no doubt... to me it feels like I'm so unimportant in his life. Lately I have been calling my family or a friend if I need to have "deep" conversations or just conversation at all because the A is not emotionally available for that. I'm sorry you are going through this, its a hurtful place to be. I have experiences that pain when it comes to how do I support my children when you won't give me any money to support them. Do the next best thing for you, whatever that might be. You and the kids deserve it.
Take care,
Twinmom~
__________________
"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
"The Big Book" defines alcholism as a disease of selfishness, self centerdness and fear--that the alcholic reacts to their environs out of a belief that they won't get what they want, they'll get what they don't want, or they won't get their needs attended to. Now, obviously for someone in AA this is a clock-punch between the eyes forcing them to look hard at their actions. But I also think it forces us to look at ourselves. The holy trinity of an alcholic's active disease (in my experience) is blaming [others], shaming [others], and manipulating [others]. The holy trinity of the (again, in my experience) family disease is blaming [the alcholic/ the alcholism/ the other family members], martyrdom [of ourselves/ of other family members], and resentments [of the situation/ self/ alcholic/ alcholism]. And if we look at our motives, most of the time there was a cost/benefit idealogy at stake: how will I look when it's all said and done? What will other people think of me when it's all said and done? What will happen in the end? And to me, these are very selfish motives--they're really saying "Can't you see? I put up with the family disease of alcholism! I dealt with the claws and fur and teeth of this horrible nightmare head on! Why aren't you attending to me? Why aren't you noticing me? Why aren't you cannonizing me? I have dealt with alcholism! What have you done that compares?" And again, these are very selfish motives for attention.
Thank you so much for sharing that. I read that and immediately it connected with MY experience. You have given me the strength to stand up to that treatment as I now realise that it is not only me that goes through it. Rather it is a symptom of the disease and that I shouldn't necessarily take these comments so much to heart.
