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Hi all, I dont know that I know what to say right now, i guess I was just hoping for someone to share with me how i could apply the program to a situation like this. My parents have managed to stay together for the last 30 years, minus a few months. I just got a call from my mom last night who had been at my house all last week saying that my dad and her were seperating, for good. My heart hurts that my parents will no longer be together, and things will be different that's for sure. I just dont really know how I'm feeling honestly, I find myself sighing a lot today, kinda down in the dumps.
I've called my mom to offer support, she's going to need to come out of retirement now. She has her sisters and brothers to lean on for support right now so that's good. I spoke with my dad yesterday, a long tear filled conversation full of garbage that he had done to my mom and the reasons why she's leaving. I tried to call him again today but he's not talking to anyone today i dont think. He has no one else to talk to exept me and that's scares me since there's only so much he's gonna wanta tell his daughter.
They are both untreated alanoners and i cant say i have seen either one of them happy when they are together for years now. My mom snaps at my dad, my dad ignores my mom ect ect. I dont know, maybe they'll be happier this way. I just dont quite know how to support them both, and i dont know why it's got me so down, it's not my marriage, I'm all grown up ect. Maybe it's because reality bites a bit harder now. That marriage that i though would make it through anything, didn't, and that scares me. I'm just trying not to let the fixer in me come out, trying not to try and control the situation, and i think i'm doing pretty good at it, i just cant get it out of my mind and it's not a pretty tape that's playing in there let me tell ya.
How sad. I don't know what to say except maybe it is for the best, and that you will get through it. Just be there for both of them and take care of yourself though also.
Boy, that is a long time to be married. Their marriage must have made it through a lot of things, so I'm sure you thought it would outlast everything. Maybe it is more important to them to live life happily and they were not happy. It may be a great outcome for the happiness of both of them, you know?
I guess just try not to get caught up in the drama is what I would do, though I know it may be hard. And pray for both of them.
My Parents have been married for 43 years now (egads!!). I can honestly say, I dont know exactly how you feel as I have not faced what you are. But I do know, that my parents sound very similiar to yours. My dad is an A who has been not been drinking for nearly 25 years now, but he is "untreated" he quit cold turkey....but for most of those years of "sobriety" he has not changed much other than not drinking. My mother could certainly use Al-anon as well, imho. I know that they love each other, but for many many years they did not like each other. While things seem somewhat better now, I am truly amazed that they did not divorce years ago.
I know if they told me tomorrow this was happening, I would not be surprised. I would feel the same feelings you are I am sure. I would try my best to be there for them both. To be loving and understanding. Just as you are. I would be very careful not to get involved in any "situations" where I would be asked to take sides or try to intervene in their business. We need to protect ourselves.
It's okay to feel down about it all, that is for sure. But we can also be hopeful that a change like this will be for the best and that both parties will prosper from the change in the long run. I know from my own divorce, that while I was initially opposed to my ex-wife's decision to leave....after much growth on my part...growth that would never have happened any other way...I can honestly say, the divorce was most definately the best thing for both of us.
Feel your feelings, my friend...keep sharing with your friends here...
After all... we love you ... and there is not one darn thing you can do about it!
I've not been in your situation and don't have much to contribute that hasn't already been said. Just lemme give ya a big ole ((((((((((((((((((HUG)))))))))))))))
take two..
((((((((((((((((((HUG)))))))))))))))
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
i am so sorry. i think that no matter how old we are we are always our parents children and we always want our parents to be our parents. together. every single one of my friends growing up came from a divorced home. we are all grown up but if you ask any one of us we say in a heartbeat yes, we would want our parents to re-unite. even though, intellictually we know it would not be good for them, the little kid in us just wants our mom and dad to be there to tuck us in and make the world safe. even me, my dad was gay and my mom is an abusive nut case. no way that marriage could have been save, nor should it have been. but even still, even though they didn't speak to each other i still would have been so happy if they had decided to get back together. i never stopped wishing for that in my seceret heart as silly and as unrealistic as it was. so i'm a grown up with 3 kids going thru my own divorce, trying to do it differently than my parents did knowing that i stayed for so long because of the kids and because of my own scars. ofcourse you're sad. and now the extra responsibility that will come your way could feel overwhelming. it was for me. i had to/ have to listen to things that my mom should be discussing with my father. but that never happened and now dad's gone and my mom's got an alcoholic that lives with her. dysfunction is not fun. good luck and you are justified in your feelings no matter what they are. and it will get better.
I'm so sorry.My parents divorced when I was 9.My dad was an active A and my mom an untreated alanon.I was glad he was out of our lives at the time.
In your case you may be experiencing grief.The loss of your parents as you knew them.Their lives will change now and you will be affected by it.I guess you already are.Just love them and support each of them as much as you can but remember not to take too much of it on yourself.You can't fix it,they each have their higher power.
If they were that unhappy this may be a good thing.Besides,who knows,they may get along better apart and start to like eachother again.A reconciliation is always possible.
The acceptance is the hardest part.Go ahead and feel the sadness,grief,it's perfectly normal.
I've been in your shoes hon. After 36 years, my parents divorced. I, however, had an A dad and I thought he had been making my Mom and us so miserable for so long that I had to say I felt a sense of relief. Of course I was still living at home then too, was 21 years old.
However, my Mom never got over the fact that he got over her before she booted him out on his tush. So I slowly watched my mom disintegrate. It was hard for me to see my parents cry. I mean after all I thought they were my rock. For me, it was about the "illusion" I had built in my mind. The denial that they were never belonging together kept me in the dark.
Just know that I love ya and am here for you if you need. Remember to take good care of you first and foremost Lady because with hubby, and kids, and varmints and new puppies, you sure already have a full plate hon. Call me ifn ya need.
love Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
A similar thing happened to me, but my parents had been married slightly less than 30 years. I don't think I have ever gotten over it but I learned to adjust.
There was no addiction in my family and my parents divorce was very amicable, sigh, they even shared the same divorce lawyer! All they were doing was dividing everything by the law, they fought over nothing, it still hurt a lot though.
The thing that helped me learn to adjust was my Dad sitting down and having a talk with me. He explained that there comes a time in an ADULTS life where they have to get over putting their parents on pedestals and realize that they are human and not perfect. My Dad said that "things had not gone like he planned" but that when we were little he had fulfilled his responsibility and provided a stable home for all of us. However, now that we were grown it was HIS turn to live more for himself. Tough words to hear, but honest, and fair. I was able to accept this as what my Dad said was true, he had always been a great Dad and seeemed to be a good husband to my Mom. My Mom said the same basically, although the divorce was not her idea. She said she did not resent my Dad's wanting a divorce since he gave her so many happy years and was there when she needed him, to help raise all of us. Now that all of us were grown and she had a good job and would be OK on her own, she did not resent him divorcing her and being free to do what he wanted without having to take her or anyone else's needs into consideration. There was no other woman involved either.
Since my parents had explained things so intelligently to me it really helped me a LOT to deal with everything.
I know things are different with your parents but maybe my parents ability to communicate their feelings will help you a little to understand some of the reasons why people divorce after many years of marriage.
Even though I understood it still hurt. They were amicable and stayed "friends" but about five years later my Dad did get involved with someone else. This woman was nice to him but had a habit of cursing and that did not sit well with my Mom (or my Dad really, but he had reasons to put up with it) so family celebrations had to be done separately. SIGH! They each gave me a separate college grauation party and my siblings dutifully came to both, but it made us all sad.
Our family home was sold and they each bought a new home in separate cities and that was hard. Later, our family home came up for sale again and my Dad bought it and sold his other home. Talk about creepy! At first I thought it would be nice, but it wasn't. I had to see "that woman" at "our" sink doing dishes in "our kitchen" and the tile that I had helped my brother put in the kitchen was still there. When I visited I always stayed with my Mom (we all did) and only visited my Dad during the day. That was hard too, trying to split time between the two of them.
These little things still bothered us over the years, I don't think the legacy of a divorce ever really fades away entirely. I hate divorce.
Perhaps things went so well between them since my parents weren't kids when they married. My Dad was forty and my Mom nearly 30, so when they divorced they were sort of elderly and had lots of wisdom about life and handled themselves with as much dignity as they could muster in such a painful time.
My Dad eventually died and my Mom was there at the hospital with us and with him when he died. They seemed closer than ever and it was a comfort to finally have them "together" again. They relationship after the divorce had slowly grown into a deep friendship and that helped us all to heal a little.
I hope sharing my thoughts and feelings with you helps you to deal a little.
and new puppies, you sure already have a full plate hon. Call me ifn ya need.