The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have spent some time reading my old posts. Back 5 months ago when I first came here I was full of emotion (mostly anger and fear). My emotions were bouncing all over the place and I was so happy for that 1 hour a week that I could feel calm. It was during my new found friends in my home group.
I was reading those old posts to try to remember exactly what was going on when I wrote them. What was going on was a knock down drag out fight every day. That has changed for me and I am so grateful, I just can't even describe it.
I am much better at not fighting with her, but I am still afraid I am provoking her with my new found sense of "I'm going to be ok". You see I have found my happy face and it seem inappopriate to her, 'cause she is furious all the time.
Although I don't really think I am flaunting anything, she can definately see that I am more confident and able to enjoy "enjoyable things". If I walk through the living room and she shoots a zinger at me, but I notice that something funny happened on TV I laugh. Well, sorry but that was funny.
I spend more time inside watching tv, reading or wrestling with my son than sitting in the garage arguing and watching her drink. She calls that avoiding her. I guess she is technically right. I am not seeking her out to solve our marital issues after 10 beers. That just never seems to work. (Sad I had to have a group explane to me that doesn't work... I was just to stubborn to stop.)
Today I got an email here at work saying she really needed to understand my feelings. That sounds great, but based on her actions that is not what she really means. She means she wants my feelings to mirror what she needs. The only arguments we really are having now consist of "I love you... NO you don't" or "I'm sorry that upset you, please understand I didn't mean it that way... YES you did"
"If I find that I am defending my feelings or thoughts to you, I have to stop and change the subject or walk away. It is too painful for me to have to do that."
I don't know for sure that is fair, but it is what I need to protect me. That is my CODA training kicking in I'm sure... LOL
I have really related to some lately who have said they would almost like to go back to being in denial. But you know what, once you know there is no Santa Clause... there's no going back. I could go back to enabling, but now I know it's wrong.
I had a long car trip with my A-Father who has been sober for 20 years now. And I talked to him about how upset she is with all this and he said something interesting.... "That's the booze talking... if you get better going to a group to deal with alcoholics, that means she is one. She's not ever going to like that!"
Some of my recient posts have been rather downbeat, but over all I feel 100% better. I can't say the same for my marriage, but 1 step at a time. Guess I just wanted to pass that along.
Thank you all for being there, it means a lot to me.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Thanks so much for your inspiring post. It gives me hope to think that if you continue working the program, you can be happier! It is good to know that you have grown, and it is neat that you are looking back at your old posts to see how much.
It sounds like there is still drama at your house, but you are reacting differently and it shows. I always wonder how much longer can I deal with this situation and ever be happy?
I can understand what you're saying about being happy and trying not to make it seem inappropriate, but what are we supposed to do? Be miserable?
Thanks for giving me hope, and you're right, 1 step at a time, so important to remember. AND to be grateful for what we have...
great post ty, you got me thinking and i really liked what your dad said too. Never really thought of it that way, so ty dad! Your story of your wife I could really relate to. My husband did the same sort of thing too. I think when we get healthy, a's do exactly what we did when they were sick. When their active, we did everything we knew to do, used all our old tools of control, people pleasing ect ect to try to get things to be ok. When we get healthier, they are left with all the hurt and disease we were taking away from them and that's gotta suck, in turn they use all their old tools to try to make the pain stop, when that doesn't work, try a little harder until one day when they realize those broken tools just aren't going to work and they either get sober or try something else to fix it. Just my opinion of course, but what i'm trying to say is that we are as good of distractions for them as they are for us. Once you clean up your side of the street, that distraction is gone forcing the other to look at their side. Just hang on and ride the ride, your gonna make it.
First I just wanna say I like the 'program game face'.That's hilarious.My AH always tries to read my face.He's not gonna like that one either!
You're doing great,I can see the growth.It's so hard not to take the bait and get pulled into the drama and moods of the A.I struggle with that every day.
The other thing is,you mentioned that some people say they would like to go back to the denial.I have felt that way.It all seemed so much easier when he was drinking cuz I was in control of everything,and I didn't have to 'work on' myself.The thing is I know better now.I see how sick we were when he drank.I see how sick we are now too,but at least I am seeing it,not denying it.I can't go back either.There IS no Santa Claus.
Glad you are feeling better. This program is really amazing isn't it? You get better regardless of your A. In one way, it's a bummer. Because you're healing and you're wife isn't and that's hard. We want our A to get better. However at some point life has to go on. That's what you're doing, getting on with life and taking your life back.
I've always said when hubby and I have talked about his past behavior (now that he is sober) he asked why I put up with it. I told him the things he's said really wasn't him, but the booze. It didn't make it hurt any less at the time, but it was the truth. I like what your father said, that as we get better the A is seeing that they have a problem and are in denial about it. Never thought about it that way. Very good point.
Congrats to your father on his long term sobriety. That's awsome. My father-in-law will have 36 years this November. That's what makes me believe that sobriety is possible.
Love and blessings to you and your family. Your son is lucky to have you.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Your post sounds very strong. I'm glad you feel better and it does show when you talk about your life at home. Giving in to the arguments is really what the A wants to justify their misery and anger towards themselves. My A will often say " Don't you have anything to say about blah blah blah"? My answer is well I'm not sure what to say about that, its whatever you feel most comfortable with. He couldn't stand me putting my two cents into everything and can't stand it when I don't. Some days I can't win, but if I can go at least 2-3 weeks of no raging and arguing from him I feel like I'm doing pretty good now. Its not perfect and probably never will be. Daily he seems irritated, frustrated, and generally displeased with something in his life. I have really tried to focus on other things that are more positive and ignore his sarcastic, sighing, and heavy breathing because its his way of trying to rattle my cage and get me to engage in his mess. Not going there. I can see how he feels put out and unimportant to me because he's used to me taking up lots of time trying to make him feel better about his life. I'm glad I'm figuring out that its none of my business and working hard to stay out of it.
Keep up the great work.
ODAT,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
This program is really amazing isn't it? You get better regardless of your A. In one way, it's a bummer. Because you're healing and you're wife isn't and that's hard. We want our A to get better. However at some point life has to go on. That's what you're doing, getting on with life and taking your life back.
My father-in-law will have 36 years this November. That's what makes me believe that sobriety is possible.