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I need opinions, or esh, or validation or something, please. I am having serious doubts about my own ability to recover. I'll try to make this brief and coherent.
My children are 13 and 11. I feel as if I've been single parenting them all these years because my A husband is either too busy with something else or inebriated. I have always been the one to attend school functions, sporting activities as well as transporting them or their friends to and fro. I have no issue with this. I love my children; they know this, and I sincerely enjoy being involved in what they do. The three of us have become so accustomed to it that if my husband started pitching in, we'd think it was abnormal. I find I only become frustrated with this when there's a conflict in the kids' schedules and I have to have both of them two different places at the same time. It's usually easy enough for me to arrange for a friend or another parent to drive one to one place while I do the other; it doesn't occur often, these conflicts.
Yesterday, my son had to be at football practice at 6:00. My daughter had a hair appointment that, unfortunately, ran much too long. My husband called me at 5:30 and I told him I was trying to arrange transportation to at least get my son to practice; I would be able to pick him up at the scheduled time. My husband offered to take him for me. I didn't hesitate to take him up on that because he won't drink and drive. I've often wondered if he's only used that as an excuse to detach from us, as he's always drinking when he's home, so he can't go anywhere or do anything for them. Anyway, I felt safe with his offer, and I have to admit to being relieved that it would be taken care of; one less thing I had to stress over.
My daughter and I got home from her appointment at 6:30. My husband had, in fact, gotten my son to football practice. I even remembered to thank him for doing so. Anyway, I was hurriedly preparing dinner so I could pick my son up in an hour. As I was cooking, my husband proudly displayed the tiny cooler he had packed for himself in the event he decided to stay and watch our son during practice. It was one of those small, insulated coolers that fit maybe two or three cans of soda. He had packed it with ice and had only ONE beer in it. I just looked at him and asked him what he was thinking. He said if he had had to stay during practice, at least he could hide in the car and drink that beer. With that little confession of his, all good will I felt towards him actually lending a hand for a change, went right down the drain. Instantly I felt angry and disgusted and I don't think I was able to hide it from him very well. I didn't say anything to him about it, but I didn't say much at all after that.
I guess what I'm trying to puzzle out, is why couldn't I have let that go and revel in the fact that he finally put an effort forth where the kids are concerned? Why couldn't I have taken his grand gesture of helping me out ONCE in the spirit it was given instead of turning it into another resentment? Was I wrong to be upset with it? Knowing he couldn't hold out another two hours before he proceeded to get drunk? Would he have risked being caught drinking on school grounds, embarrassing our son, just for the sake of drinking that can of beer? In the end, I'm assuming he dropped my son off at practice and came home just so he wouldn't end up in that situation. So instead of silently commending his thought process there, I stewed--and am still stewing--about it. How can I help myself when I'm so easily upset? Will I EVER be able to see through my anger to recover?
I apologize for being so long winded when I did say I would attempt to be brief. I'm not even sure it's coherent. Thank you for listening.
We try so hard to react to situations in ways that our program has taught us. We cannot expect to do it perfectly every time our A's do something that is beyond our comprehension. It's okay to be surprised by someone's actions, and it's okay to get angry sometimes. The important thing is to recognize when this happens and begin employing self-care tools as soon as possible. I know it is exhausting,frustrating, and disappointing living with an A. Keep working your program and this too shall pass.
I understand where you are. The thing I read a lot of in your post is you feel guilty, guilty about everything. I go through that too... that is a hard hard thing to stop. It's okay to be mad, and I can tell that you, like me, get downright enraged when you least expect it, and then you feel so bad afterward! Why couldn't I have handled this better!
Just lastnight, my AH had dinner waiting for me when I got home. It was such a nice gesture as he hasn't done anything for me in a long time, but when I got there, he was at the neighbor's house, and came back right when I got there, but was drunk! I was just so upset, tried to be calm and grateful that at least he made dinner for me, but WHY couldn't he just have one night with me without the friggin alcohol!!!???? Because they are alcoholics, they cannot control it.... and neither can we.
I just keep telling myself, progress, not perfection. Things ARE getting better with all of the tools I have learned here. Just keep on trying, I believe this is the hardest thing I have ever done. I am with you!!!!!
(((((((((((coffeebean))))))))))))))) remember that recovery is for you and your happiness and that it takes time one day at a time.. We all make mistakes being in recovery pleases don't be so hard on yourself!!!!
I've been there too! I think the fact that you are here is in itself progress. You are keeping steady with your own recovery.
There will still be good days and bad days...and days when it it very hard to understand and days when the anger seems to strong to get through....
But it does lessen...you know this really...
I often can't see the logic while the emotion is overwhelming me. But I know it will pass. If I stick with it...my need to get better....then I will get better.
I've been suffering the effects and the craziness of living with A for a lifetime...........and I want my own recovery instantly! But it doesn't really work like that I now realise. It's taken years to get to this stage. I can't expect to get well instantly no matter how much I want to!
You are here with people who understand and can help you, and people you can get support from. Isn't that progress?
Look for the bigger picture. The way forward. It's all progress. Keep doing what you know in your heart is right and you will get better too.
Thank you guys, for your replies. I am always amazed and comforted at the level of support I find here. Just when I think I am seriously losing my mind, you all remind me that not only am I 'normal', whatever that may be, but that I am not alone.
Hersh, you said you felt guilt in my post and that doesn't surprise me at all. I DO feel guilt at everything. Things that aren't my doing. I feel guilty for the negative way I feel about him. I feel guilty for not feeling that I love him as I should anymore. I feel guilty for honestly wishing I could live without him in my life anymore. I feel guilty because I realize he is hurting, too, for reasons that are unknown to me, maybe even to himself, and I don't care enough to want to help him figure that out. I feel guilty because as far as I'm concerned, I'm DONE with him. If a solution fell into my lap today to allow me to remove myself and my children from this house, from under his alcoholism, I would act on it and not look back. I feel guilty because I can't make it all a reality for my children. I submerge myself in guilt. It's constant fluctuation between anger and guilt.
I didn't mean to go there today, but it felt good.
Thank you all, again for your continuing support and love.
