The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Thanks so much for all of your wisdom here. I have learned so much. I wish I had a computer at home so I could attend meetings and chat. Just have to sneak a little at work and post sometimes.
I just wanted to vent about how this roller coaster continues. You never know what to believe. AH is settling down a little bit from being gone constantly it seemed since I came back from our separation. He says that he will have dinner ready tonight and that he will stay home, but I have learned not to count on anything. He is partially employed, and went fishing today. He sounded okay on the phone (not drunk) but who knows? Just don't know anymore. It seems lately whenever he says he is going to do something, he doesn't. I took someone's wisdom on this board and am now not getting my hopes up for anything anymore. That seems sad, but at least it is saving my sanity. I guess that means if it happens, it will be nice!
Coming through this year seemed so much like a nightmare. First the horrible separation, just a sad, horrible feeling that everything was ending. What was going to happen? I felt like I was in a bottomless pit, truly like I was sinking. Two and a half months, and he said he would get better, he couldn't live without me. Then, I come back home, and 10 days later, he's drunk again. Stupid of me to think a spiritual book could help him, not a program (he despises AA). He began leaving all of the time, crying and saying he felt horrible, that he had done too much to me and he couldn't face it. He left and our relationship was just left hanging. I felt like our house was an empty shell, the kids gone, etc. Now I realize that horrible, empty feeling was just FEAR. That feeling just exploded and permeated every part of me. I was so AFRAID of everything, afraid of him leaving, afraid of him dying, afraid of him never getting sober, afraid of me finally having enough and leaving him, afraid of being alone. That fear is subsiding a bit now, thanks to all of you.... I am learning to do something for me if he doesn't come home, or go somewhere myself, do something for me. Sleeping is a little easier now.
I am feeling so much better now with these tools of the program. It is so important to read, read read and see how others are coping in the same situations. To be grateful and to be happy with yourself. To spend time with yourself, and not be afraid of it.
Thanks for letting me ramble on... it is nice to have a place to go... thanks all..
hi Heidi, hey you made a HUGE step uno. You said if he does show up then it will be nice.
That is sooo cool. That is a key. Be thankful when the A does have some good time, when he is feeling ok, when you guys do have sharing times.
Expect nothing, be happy for what happens.
It's so neat about your not being as scared. great in fact. Letting go is a big step. Put him in hp's hands.
I remember when my A first left. Ya wanna die, ya feel like your gut is pulled out of you.
Mine has left a couple times, then I had him leave a bunch of times. Now I know I am ok without him. Sad for about a minute, and get busy on my garden or go sit with my critters.
As far as "hopes" have hope for YOU. Decide on some goals for you. What are YOUR interests? Sounds like you want a computer. So what my kids and I used to do was, put a pic of a computer on the fridge, put pennies in a jar, start asking around if anyone has a computer you can borrow or a free on.
work on that goal! Look in the phone book for computer repair, for instance I know a guy here, he fixes some and he makes them too, and sells them for not much.
You could tell one how much you can spend and see what they can do for you.
Ya do the footwork. hp takes care of the rest.
It is so neat to see you progressing. so neat.
Keep on coming back, do you have the book, "Getting Them Sober?" Can ya go to face to face meetings?
Do you have freecycle where you are? We have it here, and people give computers away all the time.
Like me I was given a new pc. I have a good mac sitting in my closet.
Thanks so much for your kind words. It means a lot to me to hear that I am progressing! Sometimes I just don't know.
You are really an inspiration to me, thanks for all of your wisdom. I can tell that you really love yourself and your animals and you have been through a lot.
