The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I talked to my husband last night for the first time in 6 days. We are going to go to marriage counseling on Thursday. We have gone to my pastor once before and things went better for about a week and a half before going back to normal. Plus he likes to have these huge blow ups and then pretend like nothing ever happened. He says he would "rather be happy than right." Which implies that I am wrong but he will be gracious enough to see past it. How good of him. Aren't I lucky?
I told him this time, there is no going back and pretending that everything is ok, if things don't change then that's it. I will not continue to walk through my life being blamed for every little thing and treated like I only made it through 31 years of living simply by the grace of god. Not even in my father's house did I feel like I was too incompetent to make simple decisions on my own. I was treated more like an adult in my parent's home then I am in my marriage.
I am greatly discouraged to learn that the behavior that my husband exhibits is typical whether he is drinking or not. (He has been sober for 7 1/2 years, and I never knew him when he drank.) He is always right, he procrastinates his life away (which I couldn't care less about until it causes chaos in my life), he calls me a control freak when I try to get him to do things that I can't do and without his action will cause chaos in my life, he doesn't include me in his life, it's like pulling teeth to get a conversation of any importance out of him.
One of my favorites lately is that he enjoys beating his chest about how improved he is because of all the AA meetings that he goes to, he tells me all of his flaws and what he is doing to work on them and the great strides he is making in the process. Meanwhile - to anyone who lives with him - there is NO evidence of any of this. It's all lip service to make himself feel better. He tells me that I never say anything that I need to change about myself - why should I? He tells me plenty of the things I need to change!
What's funny is he is the one that has been insisting that I come to Alanon so that I could "fix" myself and make our marriage better. I don't think that he had the slightest clue that I would learn what I have. That I either learn to find a way not to let this stuff bother me because I can't control it or if I can't live with it, then I don't live with him anymore.
The thing is, I can't live with it. I can't live with him not respecting me enough to at least listen to what I have to say, even if he can read my mind and knows what is going to come out of my mouth, he should still listen to me rather than cutting me off and shutting me down. I've had enough.
When I dreamed of my husband when I was a little girl, I dreamed of a man who would be my best friend, my confidant, my soul mate, my partner. Someone who I would feel safe and loved with. I used to feel that way with my husband but with each passing day it is slipping away. I just can't do it anymore. I will give the counseling the best shot that I can but if he doesn't acknowlede that these problems are not all my making then there is just no use in going on. I'm going to cut my losses no matter how hard it is.
I know that it is discouraging. All that negativity and blame that is thrown our way. My AHsober said that same thing this weekend. "You are just controlling". Once they label an action they look at everything as controlling and can't see the difference between helping and controlling. "You get your way all the time" and "I just roll over and die". I have had to work on boundaries to deflect some of that alcoholic talk. Hang in there.
Not everybody in AA is really in recovery - there are a lot of dry drunks there, bitter, unhappy people.
About a year after my husband sobered up, we went through some very bad times - his addiction breaking through in another area. I felt very bitter - here he was, going to AA meetings three times a week, spending hours every day at AAchat online, and then acting like this. It was like he was a hypocrite on top of everything else.
One of the many things that came together to help me get past this was going to open meetings with him, roundups and so on. On the drives home, we were able, at least some of the time, to 'talk program' - to relate to each other as fellow members of 12 step programs, rather than as, oh, A and victim. Through his shares at these meetings, and the talk afterwards, I saw that he WAS trying to live his program, though not the way I thought he should, maybe, and not with complete success. Through my shares, and the response to them from others in the program, I think he learned something too. When someone whom he respected would come up to me after a meeting and say how they were moved by something I had said, and discuss it with me, he looked at me with new eyes.
One of the hardest things to do is face the truth about ourselves. This applies to you as well as your husband. I'm on the opposite side of your fence (I'm in recovery) and it can be very frustrating at times. I'm sure I'm reading your post from a completly different perspective.
Perhaps you can remove yourself from your feelings and look at the situation from the outside for a moment. How much of what he is saying, (regardless of his 'defects') might apply to you. Do you consider yourself so perfect you don't have room for any personal improvement that might save your relationship. It seems to me sometimes we focus so much on the flaws in the other person, we fail to look at our our own attitudes, actions, and behaviors. Much like the same thing you are accusing your husband of.
You say "....to anyone who lives with him - there is NO evidence of any of this. It's all lip service to make himself feel better..." I find that when I speak in absolutes such as this, I am often wrong, nothing is ever true to that extreme, and it is just a ploy to prevent me from looking at my part in the situation. Sometimes when we are trying so hard to get another person to listen and understand our situation, we fail to listen and understand the other side, EVEN THOUGH WE THINK WE ARE TRYING. This applies to both of you.
Sounds to me that you have just plain "fallen-out-of-love" with the guy and are looking for reasons to justify a break up. If you really still loved him, I think your whole attitude might change....And sometimes a change in attitude is enough to change your perspective; a change in perspective is enough to change your understanding; a change in understanding is enough to change your feelings; a change in your feelings is enough to change the whole situation.
It seems that we all get labelled control freaks. What gets to me is that it is not the same rules for both. For instance old issues continually get dredged up by my AW during "discussions". But woebetide me if I mention something from the past.
She smokes "a lot".....maybe 30 a day or so. So she has a ready made opportunity to shut herself away and martyr herself. She doesn't drink at the moment but believe me she may as well for all the interraction we have. The good days are good, but the ordinary days are depressing and the bad days are just plain awful.
As she has so much experience with Alanon (her second husband died an alcoholic) I am continually explained what I need to do. She "knows" everything I am going through apparently. She kicked her AH out. Maybe that is what she wants me to do so that she can martyr herself some more?
