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OK. I am lonely. I have tons of friends, a family who loves me. But, the one man in my whole life that I've wanted the most, is so distant to me. I know in my head that it's the alcohol. But, my body craves him holding me, holding my hand, brushing my hair back from my eyes, the way he used to.
Last night, we had a good evening, ate dinner together, got in the hot tub, watched a show on TV while in the hot tub after moving TV out to the deck (of course he was drinking). All of a sudden, he moves to the other side of the tub. Won't talk. Very rude and hateful. We got out, I came inside and went to bed. He stayed outside for over an hour, then came in and slept on the couch. When I asked him this morning why he slept on the couch, he said he didn't want to talk about it. I told him anymore he treats me like a sister instead of a wife. Silence.
I was so upset, tears just kept pouring out of my eyes, I couldn't stop it. I went into the other room. He just ignored me.
He worked outside on the deck today, and I worked inside, cleaning. Not much conversation. Now he's over at the neighbor's drinking. Hope he's not hateful again when he comes home.
I am not "over the hill" yet. OK, I'm 52, 3 years older than he is. But, I still want the body contact, the loving, and yeah, the sex. I feel like I've joined a Convent. Heck, I've had more action when I was single than I have had married, lately.
There is no physical problem with him, I mean, the umm, well, he can still you know.....when HE wants to. And even when "it" is apparent, he has no interest in using it. I mean, everything "works". Weird. If I try to approach him, he gets all standoffish. Never had a man do that before. I am not ugly, or gross. I keep myself clean, shave, wear makeup, fix my hair, dress nice, just for him. But, no reaction. The guys I work with all seem to think I'm OK, give me hugs, talk to me, laugh with me. At home......nothing.
I've read all the info I can on it, but it still makes no sense, and it hurts!
If that darn Keith Urban hadn't married Nichole Kidman, I'd just pull up roots, and go on the road with him. Bet he'd know how to treat a woman.
I am sorry that you are going through this. I can totally relate. This disease does so much damage to all aspects of our relationships that it still amazes me.
I dont think you are on a pity pot. You are just sharing how you feel about the lack of intimacy in your life. I know I have and continue to go through it. It is very rough. I however, have filled my life w/ so many different things that I rarely think about it any longer.
Karen
__________________
Nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care. Love you all!
Karen
Firstly, in alcholism, the sexual drive makes men impotent. So if your husband was aroused, odds are he couldn't get an erection. Additionally, if he could get an erection, as the disease progresses, men in the disease of alcholism cannot maintain an erection; and, as you know, no erection, no sexual drive.
Secondly, buy a vibrator. For you. If you're so darn sexually starved, start masturbating. Go to a sex toys store, pony up the $10 and knock yourself orgasmic.
Lastly, what I hear you saying isn't that you're craving sex. It's that you're craving attention, period. You want someone to notice you, tell you you're pretty, tell you how sexy you are, et cetera. Honey--do that for yourself! Get a sponsor--who will affirm your worth and guide you to self affimations by working the steps, hanging with healthy people, and making healthy choices. Work the steps, which will allow you to see with clairity your motives and needs without guilt, shame, anger, self pity, or resentments. Live in the solutions of recovery, where you won't need to live in despiration.
ok i love tiger's advice.i am in the same boat in a sense. i am seperated, divorcing but my body literally hurts from lack of touch. i did buy a neck massager which helps but it's not the same. i want some comfort from another body holding me and telling me all the sweet things. i do get these things from friends and love from kids and family( i mean program people). but there's something different about that. i have come to the conclusion that when i am ready to be in a healthier relationship then that person will show up. and in the mean time i will take all this pent up frustration and do something productive with it. like having the cleanest house in the united states of america.i've heard that women peak in their 30ies. i'm 33 and i hope that mr. healthy shows up before the "peak" is over. or maybe it just gets stored for future use. if so i hope mr. healthy is ready for me!!!!
Wow, I can relate too. Its does hurt! My A and I are not together right now but I have felt that longing and it sucks!!!!!!!! Especialy when the person you want to touch or hold you is right in front of you. I desire intimacy too and I have just entered into another 12 step program which strongly recommends no relationships. Ugh. I will follow the advice but I am lonely dammit. Honestly, it feels so frustrating to know I will most likely not have that for a very long time. But, I have to trust in my HP that thats just where I am supposed to be right now. You are not on a pity party. Its normal and you are normal, your a is not. Hugs, G
Hi sweetie, I gotta say I did not get from you at all how Tiger took it.
A piece of vibrating plastic is not going to be a replacement for an intimate relationship with your husband.
If you are like me, you crave your husband.Some people have not experienced the kind of love that is not satisfied by anyone but their spouse.
I know when I am in love, I want no other person, in fact it grosses me out to think about it.
Guess I want to say, don't read anything into his reactions. You have no idea how he feels. He could very well be angry at himself. I know my A cannot perform anymore, he is done in a second then feels awful.
Of course I don't becuz all I care about is that I am having skin to skin contact with the man I love.
I don't feel you are in desperation, or that you NEED reassurance that you are beautiful. YOU need to know your loved one believes you are attractive.
There is nothing wrong with that at all. I love me, I really do, but I do love to hear my A tell me I smell good or I am pretty to him.
Again as far as sex, I don't know if he is your husband, but even the bible says, the husband is to give his wife her do, and she is to give him his.
So of course you want him.
True too is the same old thing, we cannot rationalize insanity. But I bet if you can ever talk to him sober, it will be, if he can be honest, he is afraid he cannot perform. Heck from what I understand even non A men are not always sure of what may or may not happen you know?'
An A already feels bad enough with out that kind of embarrassment and guilt.
If it were me, I would talk to him when he is sober.
If all we needed was a piece of plastic that wiggles we would not bother with sex.
And we know that is not going to happen! I was celebet 10 years after my first husband died. I was approached but was not interested.
Then here comes my first love and that was that. dang him. haha
I can so relate to your post. I was previously married for 20 years the last 10 of which we lived together like roommates. We in fact slept in separate rooms and pretty much lived separate lifes in all other respects too. He was not an A. I did not choose to cheat on him with others but threw myself into other things until I was finally ready to divorce and move on.
My current relationship is that of living with an active A. We have been together five years. There have been times and pretty much only when he is active that he is sexual and affectionate (everything works fine the alcohol has no detrimental effect). Sometimes he has periods of an overactive sex drive and then he completely withdraws at others.
The last couple of years he has been working at sobriety on and off (mostly off lately). When sober he completely withdraws and yes it hurts. He has even told me it isn't me but is him. He opened up to me about having experienced child sexual abuse and his fears of intimacy and the fact that he experiences flashbacks.
Even this knowledge, however, does not make the loneliness go away. So all I can do is take care of myself. Find other outlets for my pent up frustrations. Only he can do the footwork to work through his issues and right now he chooses not too. He would rather drink himself into a stupor to block out all of his feelings (the guilt, the shame, the dislike of himself).
I hope someday he will have the courage to face his demons but in the meantime I take care of me and try not to pressure him.
I am actually relieved to hear that there is someone else out there going through this. I am in my 30's and my AH is in his 40's. After his last episode of drug usage it seemed like his sex drive plummeted. Unfortunately, the intimacy you described that I feel like so many women yearn for (hand holding, being held, etc.) also went away. I tried to talk to him about the fact that my needs could be met in these ways and not necessarily just through sex, but didn't get any response. I don't know if it was too embarrassing or shameful for him to express himself in other ways, because he couldn't follow it up, or what it was. But he also stopped looking at me or noticing me, etc. I said those same words to him, " I don't want to just be your roommate or sister." The more I tried to talk about my needs and how we could work together and get him to express his needs, the further he withdrew. This is the alcoholic way . . . when a big issue comes up . . . hide from it. We are separated now, but strangely I am no lonlier now than I was when I was physically with him . . . maybe it's a little better this way, because at least he's not in arm's reach and yet won't touch me.
One of the last things my AH said to me before I left, when I asked him why he couldn't even touch me, was "Who would want to?" Logically and realistically I can say that I am an attractive woman, I am smart, I am funny, I am very human with good points and bad points. Logically I can say, yes, there are men who would want to be with me. His statement was purely alcoholic in nature . . . throw the blame on someone else, take the focus off of him. But it still hurt like hell . . . still does sometimes.
It's not you. I am a nurse and I often take care of elderly people who are truly alone in this world . . . no family, no spouse . . . and the only physical contact they receive is when someone comes into their room to wash them. I think about that . . . how sad when the only touch you get from another human is just to perform a job function. We all need human contact. We were created by our HP to need this and to give and receive it. There is nothing wrong with you.
Thanks for reminding me that there is nothing wrong with me:)
i'm not going through this with my current A *knock wood* but an A i was married to years ago was exactly as you describe. OH it was SO frustrating!! i was literally starved for affection so badly that i would go get my hair done or get a manicure, just so i could feel human touch (ugh i feel ashamed admitting that, but it's the truth). since then, i have heard so many women admit they do the same thing, it makes me so sad that it happens.
if you know of anyone who can give you hugs, a good friend? a family member? GET HUGS! wherever you can get them in a healthy way.
i learned a way to "cheat" a hug, from a great therapist ... if you hug yourself, your arms don't wrap all the way around, so you don't get the same endorphin rush as you do from a real hug. but if you use a towel or a blanket - make it more special by using a beloved quilt or afghan that's hand-made by someone you love, or yourself - wrap it around your shoulders, cross your arms in front of you, grab the blanket and TUG. it'll wrap you tightly, it'll release some of the endorphins of a real hug, and you might find yourself suddenly letting loose with crying! that's normal. i just don't believe humans can survive without endorphins!
I was married for 22 yrs. to a mostly active A and he never lost his sex drive. My problem was that I wish he would've. He used my not being attracted to him sexually anymore (because of his drinking and chewing tobacco) as another way to try to control me. If he didn't drink one night he would expect me to be all over him only to have him start drinking as soon as we were done!
I think every A is different sexually and it's impossible to know what yours is going through unless he talks about it. AND everyone spouse is differnet in what they can tolerate in their marriage.
After leaving my A husband I didn't think I'd ever want sex again........Until I met a non A man that treasures me and wants to please me sexually. It isn't all about him and that is quite an adjustment!
What you're going through is so difficult and I hope your program tools can help you through. You're certainly not alone and you will find what will work for you.
Alamom, thanks for reminding me how this disease attacks every area of our lives. I am very busy, and have a very full life, but I can't imagine never missing "it".
Kari, please do contact Keith Urban ASAP. Remember when Tom Cruise said he wanted to be a priest when he was younger? OK, he's an actor, right??? So, who's to say that it wasn't Tom Cruise dressed up and posing as Nichole's priest, Fr. Whathisname? When you get ahold of Keith, be sure to give him my address, as I'm anxiously awaiting his arrival to take me away from all of this. Hell, yeah, I'm attracted to Keith! Why not......he's a recovering addict!:music::eyepopping
Tiger, we have toys in the bedside table, along with massage oils, etc. But it's a lot more fun if he's involved, too. What has me confused, is everything seems to work just fine, when HE wants it to. No problem with getting, maintaining, completeing, etc.
Debi: Yep, a piece of plastic is a lot more fun when he is attached to it! I wish I could talk to him about it, but I can never get an answer. He just totally blocks me out, even when sober. And, when he's sober, I always hate to ruin it by saying something that will set him off. When I do mention anything, I do it lovingly. And he looks at me like he has no idea what I'm talking about, like I have totally lost my mind.
And to all else who replied. Thank you, thank you. I have learned a couple of new things, thanks to you. It helps to know I am not alone. And, in the end, it is me who decided to stay in this relationship when he was wanting out a few months ago.
Yesterday morning, I had told him that I was lonely for him. That I didn't want to be treated like his sister. That I needed him. Last night, he was going to the neighbor's to watch a race on TV. He asked if I wanted to go, I declined, saying I had stuff to do at home. He goes "Well, I thought you were lonely". ARRRRGGGGGG! See what I mean!
Bet he'd know how to treat a woman.
Thanks to everyone for your ESH. 
:music::eyepopping
I wish I could talk to him about it, but I can never get an answer. He just totally blocks me out, even when sober. And, when he's sober, I always hate to ruin it by saying something that will set him off. When I do mention anything, I do it lovingly. And he looks at me like he has no idea what I'm talking about, like I have totally lost my mind.
See what I mean!