The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Have you ever found yourself in that really dark, scary place? I'm so sad and just can't shake it. Everyone has bad days and I know I've had more than my share since January, but I'm finding myself in so deep I can't find my way back. The divorce is dragging and becoming increasingly nasty. I know that's part of it but it just seems like there's more there than that. I'm tired.... It's becoming an effort to get through each day. I know I shouldn't feel like this. I have great kids and a very supportive family. I'm surrounded by more friends than I knew I had. I've even learned to let go of the people who hurt me. I'm trying to stop trusting and believing people I shouldn't. Some habits die hard. I still feel completely hopeless.
I knew this road wouldn't be easy and I still feel like I made the right choice. No regrets there. I am better than I was about shielding myself from his abusive behavior although sometimes, he still sneaks in and it still hurts. I even have a new person in my life who is very sweet to me. But I can't lose this sadness and it's draining me. Has anyone been through this? It would be nice to know there's light at the end of this seemingly endless tunnel. I know I should talk to friends or go to a meeting, but I don't want to. How much talking can you do? Doesn't make a difference.
Okay....that's my little pity party for today. Thanks.
I can't offer experience as I am in the very beginning stages of separating/divorcing....but I am sending sunshine, strength, and hope your way.....
Even though we haven't experienced this before....we know deep inside that happier days are ahead and we have made the right decision for ourselves and our children. I am so glad you posted...because the one thing I've noticed the most....is when I am lonely and need a friend the most....that's when all of my friends are busy. Which is where I was when I signed on.....I needed to know that someone was there for me....not necessarily to talk about problems...just knowing I'm not alone in the world helps....sooooooooooo......know you are not alone and hopefully the rest of the day will be better.....mine already is! Thank you!
((((finding)))) life can be so hard sometimes, but that is what makes the good times so special, I guess.
I am sending love and hope to you, will keep you in my prayers. Keep coming here, it will help keep you grounded in the hard times. It's OK to just type and vent, type all you want. It helped me. I about wore the keyboard out! Surround yourself with things you love, people you love and who love you. I know the habits die hard, but they eventually do die! You are worth it.
...But I can't lose this sadness and it's draining me. Has anyone been through this? It would be nice to know there's light at the end of this seemingly endless tunnel. I know I should talk to friends or go to a meeting, but I don't want to. How much talking can you do? Doesn't make a difference. Okay....that's my little pity party for today. Thanks.
Hi (((((findingmyway)))), glad you are here and reaching out. I've been through 2 divorces myself and I'll tell you, that sadness is normal. It is part of the grief process. A divorce is a death, the death of a relationship. Perfectly normal to grieve. Even if you were the one to want it, you still grieve. Even if its the right course of action, you still grieve. Just be easy on yourself, acknowledge your feelings, they are perfectly normal and okay to have. And talk as much as you need to. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Can't say how long your tunnel is, its different for each of us, but there is an end to it, you will get through this. And we are here for you, just as your friends at ftf are there for you too. As someone else said, it is important not to isolate, when we feel like doing so, that is when we need our meeting the most. I've had to force myself out several times. I've had to force myself to pick up the phone and make a program call for help several times. And ya know what? Its always made me feel better. Hang in there ((((((findingmyway)))))))). It'll get better.
Luv, Kis
__________________
Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
Actually, dear, I don't think you're describing pity. What you're describing is depression. I strongly recommend getting evaluated by a psychatrist ASAP. You are an important part of our community! Take care of you!
i've been in that dark scary place, i think i understand. it's unfortunate your divorce is dragging out, it's hard to grieve something that's not officially over yet, isn't it?! i left my ex because of his violence, it took 3 times to leave and stay gone, yet he's still a major part of my life because of constant custody battles. in some ways, it feels like he has more control over my life now that we're apart, than when we were together. that sucks! you didn't make an easy choice but it sounds like you absolutely made the right hoice.
you say your kids are great ... are you able to find support from them? i mean, sometimes children are the voice of our HP, you know? they tell us things we need to hear, from their innocence.
can you go to the online meetings, even if you don't feel like going to an offline one? as for talking to friends, you're talking here, which is great!! i honestly think you can't do enough talking when it comes to heavy issues like this, it's worse to hold it in where it can fester and make you even more sad. i wish you peace {{{more hugs}}}
I am separated and my AH said he is filing for divorce, but so far I haven't received anything. He won't talk with me and won't provide any answers for all of this mess.
I do know the sadness you're talking about. I had always heard that divorce is like a death and heard about the stages of grief, but until you actually experience that profound sadness it is impossible to understand or describe.
I think there are times when it doesn't matter how much good you have around you . . . you simply have to feel the pain. When we try to ignore it or replace it or cover it up, it only festers. I talk with my HP about it. I tell Him how much it hurts and describe it to him the best I can and all of the feelings that go along with it. Then I ask Him to teach me something through this pain . . to work with me through the pain and sadness . . . and to give me His grace so that I can have some relief from it.
What I find happening is that I have moments that have turned into hours and sometimes a few days where that intense sadness and grief lifts . . . it may return in different manners when something may trigger it (i.e., something that reminds me of my AH) . . . but I hang on to those moments when it lifts as a reminder that all things change and there is hope. Those moments where it lifts are also the times when I can look at the good things in my life and ask my HP to increase those things.
There was a comment about seeing a psychiatrist and I think that it is beneficial to speak with a medical professional. I would recommend seeing your family doctor. Some depression is just situational and some is clinical. Either way, there are medications, counseling, etc. that can help through this time. I know a lot of people have an issue with medications for depression, but I see it as the same thing as a diabetic needing insulin. The medication will not make all the unhappy feelings go away, but may balance your brain chemistry so that you can cope and function . . . unfortunately, the world does not stop when something this devastating happens.
You are not alone.
I am only giving my opinion here and I want to give a parable from the Bible (just my own paraphrasing). Jesus said that two men's debts were forgiven, one for a small amount and one for a very large . . . he asked who would love the debtor more . . . and of course the one who was forgiven more would. He also said He came for the sick and not for the well. It also says He was a man of many sorrows. I find my hope in that my HP knows grief. That through pain and grief I have an opportunity to grow closer to Him. In the long run, if life ran just like I wanted it too and everything was perfect, I would have no need for Him . . . and I wouldn't know the level of His love and grace that I do today. This is my hope.
Thanks for sharing and please keep us up to date on how you are doing . . . we care.
Thank you all so very much. Each of your messages really touched me.
Things are looking better today. It's funny because even when I'm knee deep in my funk, I know if I can hang on, things will get better. It's just that each time it happens, I lose hope and each time, it's harder to hang on. That scared me enough so that I called the psychologist I used to see to make an appointment. Nothing around my circumstances has changed, but my attitude is better today. I know I've gotten into the scary place too many times to ignore anymore. I think I'll go to my f-f meeting this week even though I haven't gone in months. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't be there because my A isn't in my daily life anymore, but I'll give it another shot. I might even call my sponsor even though I completely blew her off.
sunshine, 
strength, and 
hope your way.....
