The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My bf is in early recovery and I see one huge problem rising and it will have impact on both our recoveries. I’m not been heard by him, even he thinks he is listening.
When he was drinking, I was trying to tell him a little bit about myself and about my past. He doesn’t remember any of it, which was at the beginning of our relationship (2 years ago). I didn’t have nice childhood and its still with me. The other night he introduces me to his sponsor and we stayed up till midnight talking about me. It was wonderful, someone listened to me and my problems, even he is his sponsor. He was in shock after the man left, saying why I never told him. I said, you were not listening, he got angry, but I think he was angry with himself.
He thinks the whole world is running around him and no one else cant be little messed up as well.
My father was control freak and my mum divorce him when I was 3 and my sister 4. We had to stay with him every second weekend and we loved it. I remember just few bits that was scary, he told us that mum doesn’t love us and he is going to get us a new mum, better one ( his girlfriend – now wife) and we believed him. After weekend with him, we didn’t want to go back to mum, we were crying for hours. Mum of course loved us, but unable to say it loud. I never heard my mum saying I love you to me or my sister. So you can see the picture. Very insecure child, who believes the father that mum doesn’t love us grrrrrrrr…
Anyway, back to my original story. We had his daughter this weekend, she is 5. I scared to say anything or do anything around her. She is lovely little princess, but in my head is – I don’t want to mess her up. I afraid, if she likes me too much, she will say it to her mum, if she doesn’t like me, it will be hell for my bf.
He was dreadful father when he was drinking, taking her to pub etc. but now he is really trying and he lover her bits. He wants me to be friend with her, but still have problem to get too close. This morning he asked me to do her hair, and I said no, I have to go to work, I have only 15 min left, you have the whole day. I know I reacted too fast, I could easily do it for him, but deep down I want him to do it himself because she would love that. I want him to have fun with her, because he missed so much of her when he was drinking. Sometimes I am little pushy and telling him to spend more quality time with her, but its not really my place to tell him anything, its not my business. I feel bad, I am in between some big dilemma and don’t know where my head is right now. He is not talking to me because I didn’t want to do his daughter hair this morning, how stupid!
I rang him and tried to explain why, all I got was that I’m selfish, blah blah blah. Again, he didn’t listen what I had to say. It really go back to my childhood and its hunting me.
My recovering alcoholic husband tells me he doesn't remember alot of things.Things that any husband should remember.I guess it's the disease.
As far as being sick, he has always,in 36 years of marriage gotten mad at me when I'm sick. I could be in bed with a blazing fever,head all stuffy,miserable, and he'll say " you in a bad mood?" Only one time did he take care of me when I was sick, I had shingles.(very painful.)I don't know why he did that one time but I'll certainly never forget.
Now when HE has anything more than a hangnail, it's a major event to him.
Anyway, back to my original story. We had his daughter this weekend, she is 5. I scared to say anything or do anything around her. She is lovely little princess, but in my head is – I don’t want to mess her up. I afraid, if she likes me too much, she will say it to her mum, if she doesn’t like me, it will be hell for my bf.
Please don't be afraid to interact with the child. She can be an angel of blessing for you. Just cause you are not mum doesn't mean you two can not have special bond. And if she tells mum she likes you, mum should be greatful that daughter has a network of people who care.
as i said, i'm just scared, i will relax a bit more next time. She is little blessing in this house, even my dog missing her today , im not kidding, they absolutely love each other
, im not kidding, they absolutely love each other